Proud to Be An American

Tonight I had a party to celebrate Pete's birthday and him becoming an American this week. Pete's been in the USA forever, but finally decided to make the big leap to citizenship. He's got his own reasons, but I maintain it was based largely on the crazy ex-Canadians we met at Amy's Mexican Food at my birthday challenge dinner who told Pete if he died the government would come in and take everything and Steffi would be left without even a washcloth and could likely send her off to Thailand as part of the sex trade. Pete says that had nothing to do with his decision, but again, the time line clearly shows crazy ex-Canadian talkers and then Pete applying. So you make your own conclusions. All the bike boyfriends were there but Clarence who is "getting ready to go to Oregon" which could mean he's leaving any where from today until two weeks from now.

I decided to make a Chocolate Guinness Cake for dessert. Bob Hollywood had made it as his Christmas party last year and its primary ingredients are Guinness and Chocolate. My main concern was keeping Earl away from it while it was cooling because you will remember he has a soft spot for cakes I've made for Pete. It turned out very good, while the lasagne turned out a gooey mess.

Pre-party nap.

Wine cork center piece.

Pete wanted to have martinis, so we had a martini bar.

Evan (EDub) and Pete

The Orginial EDub and PDub

Bill

Chocolate Guinness Cake
Yummy.

Banishèd.

Unreasonable Gone Wild

This duck is not a Team Player.

First, she knew I was having a party tonight and I wanted duck eggs to put in my baking because I said, "EDub, could you lay some eggs soon, so I can put them in my baking?" I was very clear. She responded by biting at my pants so hard I had to shoo her away so she didn't rip a hole in them. Then yesterday I came home to discover that this duck had laid EIGHT eggs right next to the fence in a new nest which required me to move tree branches, move over tree branches and get hit in the face by tree branches all while being crouched down in order to reach them. And I had to throw them all away. THEN, then today I walked outside to grab the egg I was sure she had laid last night so I could use it today, only to discover as I was moving furniture to clean the duck crap off the patio that said duck had laid her egg right in the middle of her pile of crap on the patio! Another wasted egg! (I did not take a picture, because I don't want anyone to have an image of exactly how much duck crap was on the patio.)

I didn't know it, but Black Cat was visiting, but left when I started washing off the patio. Twice in one week. Maybe he's ready to start getting serious.

Freakonomics and Nothing to Lose eBook Reviews

Freakonomics is a great book if you're interested in interesting questions like if you're vacillating on a name for your child and want to pick one that will give him/her a great chance in life. (FYI, according to the book, it's not Shenequa.) I was most definitely interested in the chapters on why some students do better in school, because I had just had a conversation with the principal where we were trying to figure out what parents of failing students might need to help their students. Eventually we came to the conclusion that we were not experts in that arena, given that his kindergartner is reading chapter books (and told me at age 2 1/2, "Bethany, C says 'k.'" and I of course have a pack of dogs and two ducks. (Aside, last year, when said principal and I were throwing around ideas for parental help he suggested that I could teach some parenting classes. I politely replied that someone else might be more qualified.) Again, according to Freakonomics what those kids need is some more educated parents to start with. Recommended reading. Highly interesting and not so full of blah, blah statistics that you will want to poke your eyes out.

Nothing to Lose Lee Child. Let me summarize this book. Jack Reacher walks from Hope to Despair, beats up some guys and then walks or steals a car back. Repeat for 250 pages. If Jack Reacher were around, I'd kick his ass because this book was so not his best. Hope-Despair-Hope-Depair with no real reason why he would be walking back and forth and why there's dead bodies. And certainly no bad guys to keep you wanting to read nonsense. Maybe the Hope-Despair daily traipse is supposed to be some kind of metaphor/theme. But you know what? I don't read Jack Reacher novels for the use of literary devices. I read them because I want to imagine Jack Reacher kicking some damn bad guy ass. And this book was a disappointment.

De Retour

Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots

I had my "trigger point shots" today. I had my momma take me because I wasn't sure if I would be able to drive afterward since the whole procedure was clouded in mystery and the Internet was ambiguous. I won't recount the entire conversation with the doctor because I'm always just frustrated about the whole issue. She said I can't go back to physical therapy because "That does nothing." And I need to lose weight. Well, obviously. Like I don't know that the Hawaii Five-O guys would be more likely to show up if I were significantly thinner. I don't like shots that don't come in a glass, so I had to lay down so I didn't faint. Now my butt just feels like it's on fire. I canceled my college classes so I can lay around watching quality television with my ass on fire. I have to wait 10 days to feel their 'maximum efficacy' and then I have to go back in a month and see if I need a second round before we can discuss going back to the original shots that the pain doctor recommended a month ago. Grrrrrr.

Additions

Jon Hamm is also invited to the four day weekend fête, if he shows up looking like this:

Decisions

The Shelter can not decide which one of the Hawaii Five-O guys we would prefer to spend the four day holiday weekend coming up, and so feeling pressed to make a decision we have decided on both. But the little guy needs to wear his tight shirt and the tall guy has to wear a t-shirt that ends right at his tattoos. (I don't know their names because I'm not ever really paying attention to the dialogue.)

Oh Earl

When he's not being a Mob Boss, Earl is the Best because I couldn't find my CD to load Photoshop Elements onto the Little Laptop in preparation for the Photoshop Elements workshop me and the Big Guy are going to on Saturday. (I'm looking more forward to the time spent with the Big Guy and less the workshop, since I already use it to scrapbook.) Anyways, I said, "Earl, I'm going to need you to find the CD." And he did. He went right to the drawer with the CD. Sure it could have been a fluke. Sure I could be anthromorphosizing the dog a little too much. But we can't ignore the facts; he did find the CD. And he is super lovey. And he smokes a lot of pot.

Not This Time, Lance

My new bike!

My spinner bike came while I was in Sacramento and my daddy helped me put it together when I got home today. I had to get a spinner bike because:

1. It is the ONLY exercise I can do and the only thing that makes me feel better. I went to the spinning class after the three days I couldn't move and after I warmed up, it was the only hour in four days that I was pain free.
   
2. I wanted to sock 24 Hour Fitness and their "Workout when you want, how you want" campaign in the face because all of the spinner bikes on the floor have been broke since July and any time I asked about it they told me, "Uh, it's in the computer." And I have not been in any way shape or form motivated to get up at 4:30am to go to the gym to ride a broken bike which means I have not been getting an appropriate amount of exercise to counter the amount of calories I prefer to consume, so....
   
3. I was forced to go to the T/TH 5:30am spinning class at 24 Hour Fitness which made me want to sock the instructor in the face because she wouldn't shut her damn mouth. No really, she talks non-stop for an hour. To which all I wanted to do was shout, "Shut the fuck up and let me exercise!!" You will be happy to know that I neither socked the lady in the face nor spouted expletives. I did put myself in check, and said, "Self, you chose to come in here. You must stay quiet. Do not talk." But in reality I was just thinking about how much the fun of exercise was ruined by incessant fucking chatter, sooo
4. I was not motivated to get up at 5:00am to go to the spinning class and I was not getting the appropriate amount of exercise.
   
5. Bill said it was probably a wise choice since I wanted to sock many people in the face and that maybe I should also get a punching bag. I would have, but I wasn't sure how I was going to put it up by myself, plus I have concerns about breaking a nail.
   

I am now motivated. I am excited about my new bike. I can't wait to ride a spinner bike that works and not to hear flippant chatter whilst I am doing so. This is good because it appears that I am never going to get help for my back. My referral for the spine shots was denied by my doctor because she says I have to go in to get shots from her. I was beyond despondent. The return call to the doctor went like this:

Lady: She says you have to come in here for some trigger shots before the epidural.
Me: (holding back TEARS and SOBS) Why?
Lady: Because she says so.
Me: (Release of TEARS and SOBS)
Lady: Are you still there?
Me: (Angry tones interspersed with bigger TEARS and SOBS) If she could do something to help me why didn't she do it 7 months ago?? (HICCUPS, TEARS.)
Lady: She can see you November 10.
Me: I (SOB) can't (SOB) see her (SOB) until November (SOB, SOB) 10???
Lady: Ok, hold on honey. Let me see what we can do.
Me: (Unstoppable TEARS AND SOBS.)
Lady: October 27, can you make that?
Me: (unintelligible answer because of TEARS and SOBS.)
Lady: Will that work?
Me: TEARS AND SOBS

I am not someone who generally breaks down in tears in front of people. Clark, yes. Other non-canines, no. And then I said, self, you have to stop crying because you can not down to the workshop to find out how to implement a service learning club in after school programs with unending TEARS and SOBS because you will be branded as someone who cares so deeply about service learning that you break down in tears and you don't even know what service learning is.

All is well here at the Shelter after my four days in Sacramento for the After School Conference. No dead animals to report.

Betrayal

I saw Black Cat in someone else's yard. I know Black Cat and I never had "the talk." We never said we were exclusive. We never talked about expectations or boundaries. I just assumed that Black Cat was coming around because I had something a little special. A little something something he wasn't getting anywhere else and that his time here meant something. I thought we were sharing moments and building memories. I felt harmony when he was around; at one with the animal kingdom. I thought he wanted me. Oh, the red flags were all there: He was very vague about his personal life. He never invited me to his pad. He only came by very late at night or on the weekends during the day. He never stayed very long. He never answered my calls. I figured he was just busy and was playing it cool. I never considered that Black Cat was playing the field and just stopping by when it was convenient for him; 10-15 minutes here, a half hour there when the wife and three kittens were out. It's clear now, Black Cat. I understand that Black Cat has needs. And as much as I don't want to be Black Cat's sometimes weekend fling, I have needs too. Until some other cat, more faithful, more open, more willing to commit comes along, I'm willing to put up with Black Cat's philandering because he takes care of business when he's here.

Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet- Book Review

I thought this book was corny. Don't get me wrong, I finished it, but I started skimming because I just didn't care. I thought that the characters were from iStockCharacters.com and didn't really have much dimension to them. I thought the ending was predictable. I thought it was an easy read that didn't require much thought. Probably good for a plane ride.

Freakonomics

Bill suggested that I might enjoy reading Freakonomics, so I downloaded that and started last night. These guys are giving answers to some interesting questions. My dream centered around the interesting question of why Earl doesn't always want to come in to sleep at night. He sometimes prefers to stay outside by himself, basking in alone time, probably counting his buds and smoking in peace and quiet and then about 2:00am barks so I let him in. The answer, as presented in my dream via the book, was to build a bar in the corner of the deck and to drink more wine, thus making it so Earl would want to come in with everyone else more.

I also dreamed that the new Drew Barrymore movie was about her being a polygamist and married to Gael Garcia Bernal in Mexico City and some white guy in the USA. There was also a rather disturbing scene of another dream in which I had to drive my truck down a road with illegal immigrant men on either side who were standing so close I couldn't even get by and when I hit the gas I still didn't go, or, run them over and then one jumped in the back of the truck and I had to jump out and scream, "Get out of my truck!" Freakonomics didn't provide any answers on those ones.

For the Record

I have inspected Earl's feet and limbs to see if there is something stuck in there that would necessitate the ferocity with which he chews on his feet. Je n'ai rien trouvé. I have checked more than one time. I finally just gave up. Like how I gave up thinking something is wrong with Sarah when she fake limps. I had to face reality - the dog just likes to chew on his feet.

Friday

• Randi made friends with EDub who was hunting moths. Do not worry. These guys were "talking" for 20 minutes, about half of which was a starring contest, which I think could go to Randi. I've got video of it, but let's face it- a dog and duck in a staring contest is not that interesting. I locked the screen door just in case she wanted to go out and do the talking even more face to face. There were a lot of moths, so they continued to make friends until I got annoyed and shut the door.
  

• Earl finally advanced to the Elite Pro Category of Extreme Feet Chewing and rubbed his mouth raw. He's been training extra hard lately with six to seven training sessions a day, working all major feet and limbs. I think this morning's training session lasted 30 minutes and ended only when I left for work. We had to talk about this sudden intensified interest in his feet. He ignored me. I'm considering an intervention because it's starting to affect our lives; this feet chewing business. Even Randi was like, "Play with meeeeeee." But Earl couldn't because he was "training." (He's training even as I write this.) I think he's hoping to win some kind of course record.
  

Cutting for Stone- eBook Review

Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese is the story of Shiva and Marion Stone, twins born to a nun in a missionary hospital in Ethiopia. Marion tells the story, weaving in what he knows of his mother and father (Sister Mary Joseph Praise died in childbirth and the father ran away when they were born) and what happens as they grow up in Ethiopia. Marion has to flee the country because he is wrongfully suspected of being an Eritrean sympathizer.

I loved this book. I loved the story. I loved learning about Ethiopia and Eritrea. I loved reading a story about Africa that didn't involve boys walking through the desert and becoming soldiers. What I didn't love was the ending. Not because I wanted something else to happen, but because what did happen didn't seem plausible. It seemed forced in order to end the story.

Overall, an excellent read.

Detecting

Yesterday Sara and Jessica came over for dinner and what turned out to be too much gin on my part. At one moment our conversation was about my detecting skills and how, since they just have one cat each, it's pretty easy to find out who committed any crimes at their houses by first ruling themselves out: "Who shit on the floor? Wasn't me, must have been the cat." Whereas I have to do real detecting.

This morning when I got up I found that someone one had thrown up in the corner in the sewing room and I could not immediately rule myself out as a suspect. I didn't think it was me and I sure as heck didn't want to believe that I had been so drunk that I threw up in the corner in the sewing room and didn't remember. It threw me for a loop. The sewing room would have been an unusual place for me. I started thinking, good God, what else don't I remember? And planning a day checking the sent mailbox to see what drunken rants I may have sent while I was in here. Luckily, it wasn't me. Subsequent lab results revealed that the contents were the chewed up bone from the pork roast, which had been in the trash. And I know, no matter how drunk I was, I did not go digging through the trash can to eat a pork bone. Not when there were still brownies left anyways. I'm pretty sure I've not seen the end of this pork bone. I'm sure I'm going to be dealing with its consequences for a few days.

I am no closer to knowing who actual culprit is, though the prime suspects are, of course, Randi and Earl, since they are always trying to get in the trash.

Teamwork on a Saturday Afternoon

When I first looked down, there were three ants moving this piece of dog food. I thought it was a three legged scorpion or hitherto unknown type of poisonous attack animal, so I screamed. These guys moved the piece of dog food over 25 feet, from the dog food bowl to the driveway. But in the time it took me to get the camera and change the batteries, there was only one guy left. He's still pretty awesome.