First Day of Summer

My lumbar laminectomy and discectomy and fusion is temporarily scheduled for June after school gets out. I say temporarily because I could wimp out, the insurance could not approve or I could decide to do it earlier. June is going to be a busy month because within about three weeks, the Big Guy is going to retire and have a retirement party in which he has been explicitly told to make sure that there are single men there, I'm going to have major surgery and my sister's going to have her baby.

The doctor said that the problem is really my L3L4 discs and that they are slipping to the right and that is why I have so much pain on the right side. I will be in the hospital for three days. I'll be flat on my back for a week. Able to drive after three weeks and hopefully back to work at the beginning of school in August. He said that I should be back to walking pretty soon. He said I may not be able to mountain bike once I've had the surgery because it's a lot of bouncing. I'll give up mountain biking if it means I can walk again. I have to loose 600 lbs.

I'm going to set up a form so everyone can sign up for the days they are going to come bring me food, feed my dogs and duck and visit with me. Because I know that though surgery's a pretty big deal, my sister having a baby is an even more big deal and my momma's going to be busy with Baby and not me.

Kisser eBook Review

First, let me start with this is the first book that I downloaded free with my LA County Library card!! Sara, Jessica and I had a Nice Little Saturday, Saturday and dined at the Olive Garden, then made our way to get our library cards. Getting the book onto the Nook was a no brainer, once I read the directions all the way through. Before I read the directions it was frustrating. One of the downsides of my LA County Library card is that not all books are available when you want them, so you have to go on the waiting list. Unwilling to wait, I browsed through the available now books and came up with Kisser by Stuart Woods.

This is a book I am glad I didn't pay for. I thought it was a book that Sara recommended. I was hoping he was going to be my next Jack Reacher. A big negative on both those ideas. Stone Barrington is 'retired' cop and lawyer who has both a secretary and a maid. I think this book might appeal more to men. Scene: Stone meets with the undercover cop and the girl who is going to help her. They disappear in his house. He goes to look for them. Finds them naked in his bed. They say, "Want to join us?" Scene: Stone starts to get it on with his girlfriend and she has an orgasm before anything even happens. Stone's tired because he's sleeping with three ladies at the same time. Men, I think would prefer this book; whereas I'm like oh my God, this is ridiculous. It was a fast read. Since I didn't pay for it I might read more Stuart Woods books. I think they'd be great for a plane ride.

Without Fail eBook Review

I like Jack Reacher best when he knows who the bad guys are and kicks ass all throughout the book instead of only concentrated ass kicking at the beginning and end. In this book, Jack Reacher is first hired by his dead brother's ex-girlfriend to do a security audit for the Secret Service to see how vulnerable the Vice President-Elect is. He does. He finds holes because he is, of course, way smarter than the Secret Service. He subsequently starts 'consulting' with the Secret Service to see who is threatening the Vice President and subsequently starts sleeping with his dead brother's ex-girlfriend. I was disappointed in Jack Reacher because I didn't want him to go down that road. But he did. In typical Jack Reacher fashion, he was completely honest with her and said, "We both know how this is going to end." But who can resist the Jack Reacher? Certainly not me.

Update

I still have one duck. She seems traumatized and keeps honking. This morning I swear she was looking for EDub. I asked my dad if he thought she would be sad and he said no. But then he admitted that he doesn't know that much about duck feelings. Peggy said that poultry can get depressed. Great. Now I've got to find poultry Zoloft.

Minus One

The Saratoga Animal Shelter is now less one duck. When I got home and went to feed the ducks, PDub came blazing out from underneath the table with a lot to say. I couldn't find EDub. After looking everywhere in the Little Backyard, I went reluctantly to the Backyard and found her on the deck. I don't know how the dogs got her. I don't know how they got in the Little Backyard. I don't know. What I do know is that I am sad girl. Sad sad girl because she was so pretty and let me pet her. I am grateful that I cancelled my college classes because I was so tired and in pain that I found in her the daytime. I don't know how PDub will do without her.

Fat Old Men

Far be it for me to take pleasure in someone else's pain, but today Gretchen went to the doctor for her 'abnormally large toe' and was told that she has gout. I'm so excited by this information because I can't think of anyone who is less of a fat old man than Gretchen. Now we can be fat old men together!

This news comes at the perfect time because yesterday my doctor's referral lady called and said, "The doctor reviewed your CAT scan and it confirms that you have multiple bulging discs and so she wants to know if you're going to have the surgery." I said, "Ok, well first of all, I haven't talked to anyone about these new results and so I don't know if this is going to change what the doctor recommends as far as surgery and second, huh? Like I'm just supposed to decide over the phone that I want to have surgery?"

The CAT scan showed bulging discs pretty much all down my spine. It said, if you read between all of the medical jargon- you are a damn disaster. It confirms that my back hurts so much yesterday and today that I don't want to stand up or move anywhere today unless it's to take more pain medicine.

But back to the Fat Old Men Epidemic running rampant in the F Wing. This is obviously caused by some kind of Fat Old Men mold in our adjoined classrooms and I will be able to parlay this into a workman's comp issue and get my back fixed.

Critical Condition

It is uncertain if or how long Seymore will survive his most recent tumble.

Snapshot

Number of different types of bird currently in my backyard counting EDub and PDub: 5

The Hangman's Daughter eBook Review

Ok. So first off, I don't get why this book is called The Hangman's Daughter. She's hardly in it. Sure she get kidnapped by the bad guys, but other than that she pretty much stands around yelling that she wants to marry the surgeon and not her hangman cousin the next town over. The story is this: some kids are being hunted and killed and they think the midwife did it and so the hangman is charged with torturing her and getting her to confess, but he thinks she's innocent, so he sets about trying to find the real killer.

I swiped through the last 150 pages of this book. I wanted to find out who was killing these kids, but I wasn't interested in the details. I don't know if it's because the book was translated from the German or if it's the same in the original German, but the writing was trite and simple. The characters were simple. I don't like books that count on my knee jerk reaction that blood letting is bad to make a character bad. I don't like books that count on my reaction that the person who is enlightened and just 'knows' that blood letting is bad is good. That's what this book did. And I definitely am not interested in reading about women being killed for being witches.

Overall, this books rates an eh, I finished it.

A la boucherie

This weekend I went to San Jose for the Language Teachers Conference. It's by far my favorite conference. I learned about the new French Language and Culture AP Exam. I gave a workshop on Google Docs and Interactive Notebooks-which are both in my top five favorite teaching tools ever. The whole getting to the conference was stressful. First, there's a lot of work to do. Second, several people around me at work are doing this HGC diet and are, well, hungry and sometimes, a bit irritable. Tuesday I hit the "I can't work any more wall" and cried. My back hurt. My feet hurt. Pete told me I probably need to work on my anger because I'm still mad that the lab didn't actually do the test to find out if I'm a fat old man and the doctor's office took a month to get back to me on it. So despite the fact that they told me my levels were fine and I was most likely not a fat old man; nobody actually knows sweet fuck-all. (That's the anger talking.)

So enter me into the Hyatt Santa Clara at 7:00pm. Enter me into the largest sea of men I have ever seen. While I waited for my colleague to check us in, I stood, mouth agape, double checking that my stressed out and fatigues eyes were not playing tricks on me and that indeed the lobby, bar and open conference rooms were filled with men. I had walked straight into Sausage Fest 2011. It was the B12 energy shot my overworked body needed. I had two immediate thoughts: 1. How quick could I sidle up to the bar and get some liquor in me and take advantage of the situation? and 2. Thank God I had chosen the padded push up bra.

My elation and giddiness nearly overwhelmed me when I realized that some of these men were at Sausage Fest 2011 for the Johns Hopkins Arthritis Conference. My thoughts then turned less to romance and more to getting my back fixed. I did due diligence and downed a few gin and tonics in the hopes that I could get myself to talk to someone. But as most everyone knows, I talk a lot of shit, but I'm not so good at sidling up to the bar and starting conversation and my colleagues still hadn't even noticed we were at Sausage Fest 2011 (nor were they the type of colleagues who would have appreciated me using the expression Sausage Fest 2011.) So I remained an observer at festival. Friday the Sausage changed from the Johns Hopkins to the Custom Chrome Harley Davidson variety. Despite the lack of direct interaction with the men; overall it was a successful conference.

When I got home, Mischief had only been mildly active and only found and redistributed a few hangers in the backyard. And either someone didn't make it in time to the duck house or someone got expelled from the duck house. I'm investigating the situation.

Anticipointed

Yesterday Jessica, Sara and I left the sand and sage brush for Los Angeles County. We had two goals. Or, Jessica had a goal and I was on a mission and Sara went along for the ride. Jessica wanted to go to the Quilt and Craft show at the LA County Fairgrounds and I wanted to take advantage of the fact that we were going to LA County to get my LA County Public Library card.

I have been pretty excited about getting my LA County Public library card ever since Married Ladies Book Club when Sabrina said that the LA County Public Library has lots of eBooks. I checked as soon as I got home and sure enough, they pretty much have every Jack Reacher novel available as an eBook and the LA County Public Library card is available to permanent or temporary residents of California. I have been telling everyone about this development, but pretty much I'm the only one who has shown the appropriate amount of enthusiasm for the topic. Last week I was going to go to Little Rock (CA, not Arkansas) to the LA County Library there, but I had too much work to do. So I jumped at the chance to take the field trip to the LA County Fairgrounds. I told Jessica, I will go only if these conditions are met: 1. We stop at Total Wine because I am near about out of wine and 2. We go to the LA County Library, so I can get my library card. She agreed. I've had my library card application in my purse since Thursday because Friday I had to go to a workshop with the principal in Downey and I was cautiously optimistic that our conversation would go like this:

Me: So...we can get a LA County Library card and get eBooks.
Him: Well, let's stop on in while we're down here!

All this would have made the Best Weekend Ever, if only I hadn't taken my wallet out of my damn purse to pre-fill out my library card application and then hadn't forgot to put it back in, so when Sara, Jessica and I stopped for lunch I realized that I was sans wallet and therefore sans driver's license and would not only not need a lunch sponsor, I would be unable to get my library card!

Guinness Book

I got home today before it was dark and found what has to be the largest tumbleweed ever in my front yard. It's so big, I don't even think I wrestle it in the dumpster until the dumpster gets picked up tomorrow.

Mythical Creatures

Sooooo, a couple of weeks ago I used my free couple of months of Showtime to watch the first in the Twilight Saga. Before watching I knew the following about the story:

• Besides Harry Potter this is the most read series of books by high school kids.
• Taylor Lautner takes his shirt off, but anyone older than 20 is a borderline child molester for thinking he looks hot. And he was also the star, two years in a row, of "Imparfait: The Powerpoint" a glorious teaching tool in which I choose whichever celebrity the girls think is the hotest and tell what he was like as a 'child' which includes him eating dog food, having rocks as friends and being quite ugly.
• There are vampires and werewolves.
• You are either on Team Jacob or Team Edward.

Well, today the Pack and I watched New Moon. And I didn't get it. Then I got it and then I got weirded out by Jacob's wig. Then he cut his hair and took off his shirt and I tried really, really hard not to notice that he spent the rest of the film pretty much shirtless. And then Randi tried to jump at the werewolves and I had to throw her out. Yeah, sure, I don't get why with all of the special effects they couldn't have gotten Jacob a better wig because it was horrific. Sure, I thought, geez, how can these kids spend so much time not kissing?? But mostly, I think I get it. I mean, what girl doesn't want two guys fighting over her and saying ridiculous things like, "The only thing that can hurt me is you."? You know what my version of this story is? A mythic creature that comes to life and starts to fix things around my house versus a mythic creature who spends all of his time cleaning up my yard. Both of who say ridiculous things to me in a raspy sexy voice like, "While you were at work, I fixed the garage door opener and the door will shut now," while the other one (wearing only board shorts) one ups him with, "I filled in all of the holes the dogs dug and poured you a concrete patio." Don't think I wouldn't spend a lot of time not kissing those guys. Because I would.

Sun After Dark eBook Review

This is going to be a brief review because I didn't finished the book, but I think I'm done with it. Pico Iyer is a travel writer and this is a collection of some of his travel writing. He visits the Dalai Lama. He visits Tibet. He goes on a field trip to a Bolivian prison and then is surprised when he barely gets out with his life. I found this passage particularly insightful

The traveler, if he comes from a place of comfort, travels, in part, to be stood on his head; to lose track of tenses, or at least to be back to essentials, free of the details of home...he has traveled to look at himself (and his world) through the eyes of the local, for whom the real source of comedy and strangeness is that newcomer, walking the wrong way down the street.

Other than that, eh. I think in general I would rather travel than read travel logs.

It Was the Best of Times and the Worst of Times

By far this week was the Worst and Best of times in Education. The Worst, obviously, was the four days of bureaucracy and paperwork that was Sunday through Wednesday. The Best was Thursday when I took a group of students to the Huntington Library. We went because in Français Avancé we studied the Gutenberg Bible and I wanted them to see it. The Best because we left at noon and had no traffic and I had a gin and tonic in my hand at 6:45pm. I can't think of the last day in education that was more pleasurable. The students in my group had the good manners to pretend that they were enthralled when they saw the Bible and then proceeded to be even more genuinely excited by everything we saw. The Huntington Library had the forethought to plan for my field trip and had a science exposition that had all of the Zodiac signs in French and the students in my group were squealing, "Mademoiselle! Look! It's in French! That one's mine!" and frantically taking pictures on their cell phones. After touring the library and art galleries, I had to let my group loose in the gardens because my leg was numb and there was no way I could have continued to shepherd around my little flock.

The only stressful part was when I heard a group of boys speaking French. If the language hadn't given them away, their short pants and fanny packs would have. At that moment my only thought was dear God, do not let one of my girls try to talk to these French bastards because all I could imagine was a Damien*-esque mini-dragueur milking his accented English for all it was worth and then losing one of them while he gave her a private lesson in a secluded spot in the Japanese garden. (Because let me tell you, the Damien-dragueur stress is the main reason I don't take students to France.) Luckily for me, most of the girls were too nervous to try out their French on the "super hot French boys." The ones who did talk to them told me that the one boy showed her his déoderant (was she supposed to be impressed he had some??) and his cahier and she told him, "Oh c'est très moche."

*To be fair to mon cher ami M. le maître de conférence Damien, when he came and talked to my classes he was nothing but appropriate and did not try to get any phone numbers or girls to come home with him. I would like to believe that even M. mon cher ami Damien would draw the line at bringing my students home to my house. Mais on ne sait jamais.

Bauerware

I have been in Delano, CA since Sunday morning for work. Why? I can't tell you. Secret Squirrel Shit, but suffice to say that I will never leave my domestic domicile for the same reason that I went to Delano ever again in my life. I was conjuring the spirit of Jack Reacher 45 minutes into my time there. I had to find my Happy Place and Choose My Attitude. And I only Choose My Attitude when I have been forced into prolonged periods of feeling like punching things in an environment where the expression of those feelings would be highly inappropriate. I will slash tires and punch people in the face before I ever have to do that again. To add insult to injury during my time there, my sister said I can't have her Nook. I'm calling Bullshit on the past four days and am planning on blocking them from my memory. Two more GTs and I'll be there.

Anywhoos. Before I left, and because I knew I would be gone and the last time I was gone Sarah died and then Black Cat was killed, the Pack and I had some serious discussions about behavior. I was very concerned because Saturday it snowed here and Puppy Clark is sans coat because he took it off and Randi and Earl ate it. I made the Big Guy promise that he would come and pick Puppy Clark up and take him to his house if it stayed cold. Then I worried that sans Puppy Clark, Randi and Earl would discover exponential Mischief.

During my departure preparations the Pack decided to pose themselves in the perfect family photo:

(Look at Earl's eyes and tell me that dog isn't high.)

My dad checked in on everyone to make sure that they were still alive and hadn't killed anything and Steffi came by and double checked and gave everyone treats to make sure that they were alive and hadn't killed anyone.

When I got home I immediately noticed that Mischief had found some hangers and decided to redistribute them. And then there was a moment when I couldn't find PDub, mostly because she's dark colored and it was dark and the light on the patio is out. So far no dead animals to report, though Steffi said Mischief chewed up the new bed I bought Puppy Clark so he wouldn't freeze to death, but since it's dark and I can't see it, it's not there.