Hallucinations

While I was in the hospital and right after I came home, I had several hallucinations due to the narcotics I was ingesting every three hours. I say hallucinations because I was talking and reacting to my environment more than if I had been dreaming. Among the things that I hallucinated were having conversations with people who weren't there and waking up and being on the set of "Dallas" (I thought, where's JR?) By far the most shocking hallucination was when I saw the Virgin Mary. I said, "Dad, I saw the Virgin Mary!" He said, "Was it on a potato chip?"

The Virgin Mary was not on a potato chip. She appeared right in front of me in red. I'm not saying I had a religious experience only that those narcotics are some heavy duty shit.

Book Reviews

I thought I just slept well last night, but turns out today I am extra tired. All I've been doing is laying down, reading, and napping, though I did do laps twice and most importantly dressed myself while my mom was at the quilt guild. The doctor did say I would be doing nothing for two weeks, so I guess I'm right on track.

Tripwire Lee Child. Do not read this book if you are looking for some Jack Reacher ass kicking. Jack Reacher kicks no ass in the book because he is too busy being a man-whore with a dead General's daughter that he thought was cute when he was 24 and she was fifteen. Yes fifteen. And Jack Reacher spends a inordinate amount of time describing the feelings he had for the fifteen year old when he was 24 and it is creepy. Why couldn't the author had made her 17 at the time. The whole premise of the book was hard to follow. Reacher has some guys looking for him which is related to a dead soldier in Vietnam. The book plays out in two distinct voices: Jack Reacher when he's not in bed with the now 30 year old, 15 year old and the bad guy explaining what he was doing. I didn't like it. So much so that I'm not going to read another Jack Reacher novel for a week.

Shit My Dad Says Justin Halpern. I had to stop reading because laughing made me hurt. Cute. Funny. Do not think it anything like the crap that's on the TV under the same name.

Life of Pi Yann Martel. Life of Pi is the story of Piscine Molitor Patel of India. "Pi" is an incredibly earnest and religious young man who finds God in Islam, Christianity and Hindu. He is told he has to chose just one religion by everyone, but he has a difficult time, because he just wants to love God. His father owns a zoo and decides to sell the zoo and move to Canada. He boards the animals and his family on a ship and they set off across the Pacific. Tragedy strikes, the ship sinks and Pi finds himself on a lifeboat with a Bengel tiger named Richard Parker, a hyena, a zebra with a broken leg, an orangutan. It doesn't take long before it's just Richard Parker and Pi on the boat. What follows is the incredible survival story of a young man who spends 227 days at sea with a tiger. I had heard about this book, but never though to pick it up and in fact, when I started reading it, I had no idea what it was about.

Home

I came home to my parents and am recovering from my surgery. The recap:

The Surgery: According to my parents and my pain killer hazed conversations with the surgeon, all went well. Also according to my parents the surgeon said, "It was pretty bad in there." I know my scar isn't 2-3 inches like he said, but 7-8 because of "what they had to do." I don't know what that means and the surgeon didn't take any photos.

The Hospital Stay: I was able to confirm using the appropriate body fluids that I was not pregnant. I had a morphine drip for the first 24 hours and then some pretty heavy narcotics and muscle relaxers. Right after the surgery as they were putting me in the room I had to answer a series of very difficult questions, like, "How do you renew your spirit?" High on morphine, I looked at my mom and said, "I don't understand the question." The nurse said, "When you feel bad, how do you make yourself feel better?" I responded, "I go for a bike ride?" What kind of questions are those for someone coming out of surgery? Why couldn't they have asked me those questions during the pre-op. I also told the lady I wanted the chaplain to come by because "it will make my grandma happy." (I am always trying to do things to make my devout catholic grandma in heaven happy.) On Wednesday my back started spasming which was extremely painful, but once the muscle relaxers settled in, I was good. I was up and walking (albeit only about 20 feet) on Wednesday. Besides the spasms, all of my pain is from the surgery. I developed a low fever and had to stay two extra days while they did all kinds of tests, including taking two tabasco sauce sized bottles of blood, a chest x-ray and an ultrasound.

The Recovery: My new best friends are my walker and my brace. I don't go anywhere without them. I don't need to wear the brace when I sleep, but any other time, I sporting it.

My walker and my brace and I do laps in the driveway. We need someone to accompany us because as you can see there is a slight incline up the road and I need someone to hold the walker, so I don't slide backwards. Then we make a brief walk along the road and back on the driveway to complete the lap. Twice I've caught Sara as she did her morning walk and she did laps with me. Otherwise my dad generally fills in the role. I don't know how long I'll have to use the walker. I have to wear the brace for four months. I am going to be looking hot.

Things I can do by myself:

• get out of bed
• get in the bed
• type on the computer in bed
• take my medicine
• wash my face
• brush my teeth

Things I can't do by myself:

• get myself food or water
• take a shower
• get dressed
• go for a walk
• move the computer

If you would like to come and visit me, you may get a twofer and be able to see me and the Cutest Baby in the World at the same time.

Pre-Op

This morning I went for my pre-op appointments. It was some good times. I didn't expect to be nervous and I certainly didn't expect to feel like I was going to jump out of my skin or drive off the road from shaking so hard or burst into tears at inopportune moments. I was a wreck. It didn't help matters that my labs got fucked up because the lab didn't do the blood tests on Friday and had no record of my urine capture. I had to hurry to the lab so they could do all of my tests, STAT, so that my surgery wouldn't be postponed. I was such a basket case when I walked into the lab the ladies said, "Are you ok?"

Then I had to check-in to the hospital where I was scolded for taking Advil yesterday and for not putting my medicines on my form. The RN check-in nurse was all in a dither because the doctor did not order a pregnancy test. She shouted across the hall "Hey Phyllis, a 36 year old woman and he didn't order a pregnancy test?!" I said, "I'm not pregnant." Her position was that St. Mary's, the catholic hospital, could not take my word that I had not been a filthy whore in the past month and that unless one of my bodily fluids could confirm I was not pregnant, then the hospital could not go forward with my surgery. I thought, you took Mary's word that she was a virgin and pregnant with God's child, surely I deserve the same kind of courtesy. But apparently not so much, because tomorrow they're going to do a 'dip' test. After that I had to have my blood taken AGAIN. I hate having my blood taken! It makes me faint nearly every time. This time I got a bracelet and the instructions not to take it off because if I did I'd have to get my blood drawn again. I said, "Oh this shit ain't coming off. Don't you worry."

Not to mention that in the first 150 pagesof Tripwire, Jack Reacher still has not killed anyone with brilliant violence. Jack Reacher has let me down today.

In order to calm down, I went to my mom's house to visit with the Cutest Baby in the World, who spends most of his time being eating and sleeping and generally being fantastic. I've been packing my bags this evening and Saturday when I was trying to organize what to take, I didn't bullshit around and went straight to the Hospital Stay Expert, Jessica, who has been a guest of St. Mary's three times already this year. (She's got some kind of preferred card, I think.) She said that I should pack a robe, slippers and snacks. I didn't have any of those things and with my limited time and size options all I could find at Wal-Mart was a fucking moo-moo. I bought matching slippers.

Hospital Couture

Water Birth

There's something wrong with my duck because she laid an egg in her pool and also she's acting funny. I had to throw the egg away because despite seeming like a good idea, water births are more dangerous for eggs and it was cracked and had started to leak.

These two are double collared up because I bought them new collars, but I have an irrational fear that if I take off the old ones they will wrestle the new ones off and then be sans collar, then escape and no one will know that they are loved. Therefore, they are wearing two collars for the time being.

Unable to hold hands, Randi and Earl lock tails.

I've got some kind of alien growing in my left wrist.

My Last Bike Ride

I spent the better part of this morning crying hysterically because I couldn't ride my bike because my back hurt terrible and today was going to be my last mountain bike ride...maybe forever. (The doctor said I might not be able to mountain bike after the surgery because I'll have less 'padding' in my back). The thought that I had ridden my last bike ride two weeks ago and didn't even know it was too much. I tried to pull myself together before I got to breakfast with the bike guys because I know they like me, but not enough to tolerate me crying hysterically over egg burritos. It didn't really work and I showed up at my mom and dad's still balling. My dad said incredulously, "You're crying because you can't ride your bike?" I wailed, "I (sob) just (sob) wanted to (sob) ride my bike (sob, sob) today!!" He gave me a hug and promised to come put the swamp cooler in the window. I probably could have gotten even more work out of him, but I was too distraught to think that far ahead.

The bike guys made me laugh to try to reduce the swelling around my eyes. First, Clarence by suggesting that the condos in Coronado are "cheap" right now, only 6.5, so we should all buy one next to his. And Bill by reminding everyone that they have to go by the cemetery on Tuesday after their ride to pick up some flowers for me.

The best part of the day was getting the swamp cooler in the window and holding Max. Because he is pretty darn awesome.

Training

Thursday I went to Baby Boot Camp at my mother's house where I received instruction in these Baby Subjects:

• getting the baby out of the thing that sits on the table and vibrates (take his feet out of the harness first before trying to remove the baby because his feet get stuck otherwise)
• preparing baby bottles (including sanitizing the can of baby formula and can opener, as well as heating the bottle up by using hot water from the sink - do this twice, shaking the bottle in between)
• changing diapers (poopy and non-poopy - poppy diapers require four baby wipes and must be disposed of outside of the house so they don't stink up the room or get eaten by a dog)
• swaddling the baby (do not swaddle his arms because he likes his arms out)
• feeding the baby
• burping the baby
• helping the baby with the hiccups
• calming the baby
• dressing the baby
• undressing the baby
• getting Grandma to stop talking and take a nap

I have not had training in:

• putting the baby in the car seat
• putting the baby in the car
• taking the baby out of the car
• taking the baby out of the car seat
• washing the baby's clothes
• putting the baby in the stroller
• pushing the baby in the stroller

I don't want to sound like the teacher's pet, but I think I aced Baby Boot Camp and feel pretty confident that if I had to watch the baby, I could get him fed, changed and asleep with reasonable success.

The Baby.

Not the baby, but just as cute.

What the Dog Saw eBook Review and The Untamed Bride Book Review

This book is a collection of essays by Malcolm Gladwell from The New Yorker. I don't generally read The New Yorker. Ok, I don't ever read The New Yorker. But I might start because of this book. Again, I'm not such a big fan of the short stories, but these are just articles about varied topics: ketchup, mammograms, Enron, Enron, financial choices, Enron. I can't remember if the books I've read by Malcolm Gladwell followed a similar pattern, but he starts out his essay with one topic, then goes on to a seemingly completely different topic, then connects the dots between the two. Very engaging. I recommend this book.

The Untamed Bride by Stephanie Laurens. I like Stephanie Laurens, but this book was ok. Tall, dark, handsome guy gets in a bind. Fiesty, cute, voluptuous girl inadvertently gets involved. All the of the characters from her other books make appearances. There's some hot sex. He says marry me (because he's an upstanding guy) she says ok. They solve a mystery. Happy Ever After. Sara lent me the other "un...something" Bride series. Looking forward.

Pleasantly Plump

The Pack's trip to the vet went off nearly without a hitch. If you discount them dragging me out to the car and us nearly being late because I had to get my oil changed where there were some major winners as the Jiffy Lube, one of whom stole my seat when I got up to hear the status of the truck. Randi and Earl made friends because they are darn cute. Earl nearly had a heart attack when they took Randi out to weigh her. She weighs 79 lbs. The doctor said that her 'shaking' is nothing to worry about since she still seems to be alert, as evidenced in the video below. The doctor did say those words that every girl dreads. She said, "Randi could stand to lose a few pounds. She's a little thick in the waist." Then to make matters worse, she pointed out that Earl is not thick in the waist and Clark is a good weight. Poor Randi. As an explanation I said, "Well, we used to walk 3-4 times a week, but I can't walk anymore so they don't get as much exercise." The doctor said, "small changes in her diet should do the trick." Sara suggested maybe Randi's dishwasher pre-washing could be the reason for her plumpness. Hard to argue with that. Earl doesn't pre-wash the dishes and he is not pleasantly plump. I eat what's on the plates and pleasantly plump would feel like a compliment right now.

In the video we are watching The Real Housewives and there was an animal on the TV. Randi does not like animals on the TV, even if they are not making noise. Let's say an animal walks into the frame, she will jump up off the couch out of a dead sleep to make like she is going to take down the TV. It's a bit dark because it was dark and I just wanted to get her shaking to show the doctor. The doctor said that you definitely don't see this kind of thing every day and she would do some more research because it is "odd."

Urine

I called the surgeon's office today to double check that they had received the ok from the cardiologist and I said, "Is there anything else I need to do?" Turns out there is. I had to have a urine test today, get a chest xray by Friday, and have another urine test on Friday. I said, oh, well that would have been good to have known oh, like three weeks ago when I made all of my other appointments for this week. So in addition to running around to other various appointments for me and the Pack, I also have to do that.

I ditched the chest xray today, so that I could spend quality time with Max. My mom said he peed on her earlier when she changed his diaper. I said, wow, while the wienie is useful for urine tests and tweeting, not so useful for changing diapers. I changed Max's diaper, but he was not impressed with the speed or dexterity. He got enraged. And then tried to wiggle out of his snugglie. I'm sure his diaper's already fallen off due to inadequate assembly.

This is what me and Max did for the two and half hours before I changed his diaper. He was done with me at that point and had to be comforted by Grandma. We watched the Tour de Suisse and I told him this was a preview of our summer because starting July 2, we are going to sit and watch le Tour de France non-stop. We will watch it live in the morning. Then afternoon rerun live and then the nightly expanded recap with Bob Roll. My mom says this is his favorite position to sleep in. I can't really say, but he much prefers this to having his diaper changed. My dad and I haven't received our certificate in feeding and burping competency, so my mom did that.

The Cutest Baby in the World Comes Home

Weighing in at 5 lbs 2.9 oz Maximus comes home!

(Subtitled: Max, by coming home on my mom's birthday, bails me, my sister and the Big Guy out of getting a present for my mom...not gonna lie, it's been a little busy around here.)

Minutes

Minutes of the Saratoga Animal Shelter Board of Directors

Members present: Beth, Earl, Randi, Clark and PDub (via Skype from the Little Backyard.)

Meeting Convened at 9:01am 6/11/2011

President's Report: Due to increased immobility and impending surgery and serious immobility, the Saratoga Animal Shelter Director requests that the other members of the Shelter take on more responsibility. She proposes these changes in chores and responsibilities.

Everyone: Grow opposable thumbs and learn to use the toilet.

Randi: Loading and unloading the dishwasher. In order to avoid Randi licking the clean dishes by mistake, she will be required to attend a two hour inservice on clean and dirty dishes before she can start.

Clark: Laundry-washing and drying only, no folding.

Earl: Vacuuming and dusting

PDub: Increased vigilance so that every bird in Apple Valley doesn't eat her food.

Motion to change responsibilities as stated above made by Earl. Seconded by Randi. Discussion: Earl wants to know if his dog food allowance can be increased. Clark proposes a friendly amendment stating food will be increased. Friendly amendment accepted. Vote Approved.

Vice-President's report: None

Treasurer's report: The Shelter still has not won the lottery.

Committee Reports:

Grievance Committee: Earl reports he's tired of people making fun of his pot habit and wants to remind everyone that he has it for medicinal purposes. He's got glaucoma. And a bad back. And nausea. If the teasing doesn't cease he is prepared to file a Level I grievance.

Old Business: Someone still needs to call for a housekeeper.

New Business: Pool is looking much better, but needs more chlorine.

Meeting adjourned at 9:27am

Officially Sanctioned Decisions

The Big Guy's party went well. There were a lot of people. They all said they were going to miss my dad. That guy gets a big FAIL on the single men because he had one job. One. Make sure that there were single men there. One task for his party. And he failed miserably. To calculate the number of men who were there you have to take the number of men in the world and then multiply it by zero. And I got Sara to agree to bartend on the promise that there would be single men. Double Fail.

I'm happy the party's over because I'm tired of my mom yelling at me and telling me what to do. As soon as drinks were poured a took a gin and tonic shot to help. At one point yesterday I cautioned my sister, "Has that been officially approved? Do you have authorization to place that bowl of pretzels on that side of the centerpiece?" (Turns out my sister was not cleared to put that bowl of pretzels in that location and she had to move it to the authorized pretzel distribution point.) My mother instructed me and my sister to stand by the food and monitor. So we stood by the food and monitored. My mom's friend said, "What are you two doing over here?" I said, "Oh, we were given orders to stand right here and monitor and so we are standing right here and monitoring because I don't want to get yelled at any more."

There's enough booze left over for me to throw the BOMB pre-surgery fun-o-rama next week. I could be drunk for the entire weekend and still have enough alcohol to last me the rest of the year. (I hope.)

I'm so sore today I can't hardly move, but there's still work to be done. Me and the Big Guy are on party clean up detail and my mom and my sister are in charge of bringing Baby Max home!! Surely to God I'll get to see that guy awake more now.

Green Lights

Doctor Cardiologist said that my heart looks normal and no problems so I am Good to Go for June 21.

Baby Max will be coming home Saturday because they are running some tests to see if he is anemic. I think he threw the blood test on purpose so they would hold him until Saturday because he knew trying to come home tomorrow would just fuck everything up. And he already feels bad I didn't get to go wine tasting because of him.

The Big Guy does not seem excited about his party. That guy better get excited or he is going to be gavage fed tequila until he is excited.

I made an appointment for the Pack to get their shots and for Randi to be seen by the doctor because her head shakes periodically like she's having a seizure. Only she's not, because as her head is shaking she is still trying to lick you or jump on you or jump at my TV because she sees the Geico Gekko and she hates animals on the TV. Anyways, it's been happening more frequently, so I thought the responsible thing to do would be to have her seen by the doctor. When I called they said, "What's the dog's name?" I said, "Randi. Randi Unadopted. That's her name." The girl said, "Her name's unadopted?" "Yep," I replied. "Randi Unadopted. She got unadopted because she was Bad Girl. That's her breed too. Bad Girl."

I don't think the girl thought I was very funny.

Notice Any Differences?

(No feeding tube!)

Baby Max is coming home this weekend! Scheduled for Friday. Same day as the Big Guy's retirement party. Pretty sure that news will show up on my 24 hour heart monitor results.

Awake

I was a Baby Max hog today and stayed with him for a good 40 minutes. He woke up. He stretched. He rolled his eyes around. He got a diaper change. He got mad. He screamed and sounded like a baby. My sister rolled him up like a burrito and then he calmed down.

The Big Guy learns how to use the camera phone.

Which causes me and Max to laugh.

And Max to say, "Oh these guys."

Favorites

I don't want to sound like I'm bitter, but I think Max is already playing favorites. Yesterday, my mom got to feed him. Just because I didn't get the call that they were going down there because Sara and I were out buying enough booze for a frat party, some of which shattered on my driveway when I opened the car door because I did not open with caution thinking that some of the contents may have shifted during the voyage; just because I don't have the time to go to the hospital five times a week because I got two jobs, this guy thinks he can be awake and do all kinds of special things for my mom? Some BS. I bought that guy a book.

No egg today. PDub is not a one egg a day kind of duck.

My iTunes is possessed and keeps playing music on its own. All the sudden music will start. I'll come home and music is mysteriously playing. This happened before and even when I quit the program music would still playing. I got a ghost. A ghost who really wants to listen to Jason Aldean.

Hardcore Gangsta Rap

My name is Earl.

I cry like a girl.

My tail's in a curl.

Implicit Threats

Not once, but twice this week I have told PDub that if she didn't start laying eggs then I might have to take her to school for some hooha basting. This morning when I woke up the Little Backyard was abnormally silent, since PDub spends most of the AM hours honking louder than a small dog. I slipped my flip flops on over my socks and went to investigate and I found her in the duck house. I wasn't immediately thinking "egg" because she's played at sitting in the duck house before, but today she wiggled her tailfeathers a couple times and then walked out feeling a whole lot lighter.

And I got me an egg.

Baby Max drinking out of a bottle with his dad.

I'm sure my mother is already to work on a much cuter bib.

Downgraded

I just got off the phone with Choice Medical because they had downgraded my "urgent" referral for a 24 hour heart monitor and heart ultrasound to "routine," which for those of you who aren't familiar with the Choice Medical referral process means "bend over and grab your knees." I did what anyone would do and I took a deep breath and swore a bunch when I got off the phone and then called Choice Medical which is like chasing your own tail.

Me: I need to know why my urgent referral was downgraded to routine.

CM: You have to talk to the doctor's office.

Me: I just talked to them. They don't know.

CM: Well you have to talk to the doctor's office.

Me: Right. I did that. They don't know.

CM: Well that information has to come from your doctor's office.

Me: I'm sorry, can you hold why I get Jack fucking Reacher on the other line?

Needless to say, after Choice Medical put me on hold and called the doctor's office, then tried to hang up on me and I called back, then told me that the doctor's office was talking with the referral department and would be following up with me and I got off the phone by politely saying thank you and called the doctor's office the girl there laughed and said, "Oh they just approved it right now over the phone." Ain't that right, BITCH.

So I go on Tuesday to put the halter monitor and to have my ultrasound on my heart. I hope I can get a nice picture of my heart and I hope it's big and beautiful. I'll put it next to my chest X-ray from when I got ma carte de long séjour in France.

My sister says if I want to see Baby Maximus awake and ready for business then I have to go when they're going to feed him at 3:00pm or 6:00pm. I'm putting it in my calendar. And maybe I'll even register him his Google account now and put it in his calendar as well.

The Imperfectionists eBook Review

I'm not a huge fan of short stories. They feel too much like the endless number of short stories I had to read for my degree and I always feel like I should be taking notes for the 10 page paper I'm going to have to write. That said, The Imperfectionists is a series of short stories based around an English language newspaper based in Rome and I liked it. It took me a couple of stories to get into it. A couple of stories for me to appreciate the choppiness. At least with Tom Rachman, the author, the short story ends right at the part where you would have to resolve some problem. He takes you to the top of the mountain and then just leaves you there without even a Sherpa to guide you down. I wanted more. I wanted to know more about certain characters. But in the end, it was a good read. Once again, thank you L.A. County Library Card.

Murmurs

Well. First let me say how excited I am that, for all intent and purposes today was the last night of the semester at the college! Woohoo! Freedom! Freedom! I'll hardly have anything to do this weekend, but write a couple of tests. All the more time to shop for wine for the Big Guy's retirement party.

Second, the cardiologist's office was quite nice and comforting and punctual. I imagine that at the cardiologist's they don't want you to be all stressed out and pissed off because that could make your blood pressure rise. I weighed Fat Cow minus 6lbs, so that was fantastic. My blood pressure initially was ridiculous and the girl redid it and it was only slightly high. The doctor said I showed 'rather a lot of misfires'on my EKG. And that I need to wear the halter monitor again and have an ultrasound of my heart. Based on the fact that I'm not fainting all the time or have ankles the size of airplanes, he thinks that will probably be the end of it. But, if it's not I might have to try some medicine and then that will push back my surgery date. In which case be prepared for the mental breakdown. Because it will happen.

Third, Gretchen's six period a day T.A. and prolific twitterer, Edward, gave me an ultimatum today. "Give me a job or I'll have to move to Orange County." I told him that he could go ahead and start packing for his move to Orange County, so he could look for a man for me, because I sooooo want to be a Real Housewife of Orange County. I'd really like to be a Real Housewife of Atlanta, but let's face it, Atlanta is far away from Max, the Cutest Baby in the World. I don't think the conversation went exactly how Edward wanted it. But with my Bestest Buddy in all of Strasbourg, France, Jack, having moved back to the Orange County, and my new friend Edward living in Orange County, I can see nothing but blond hair and boob jobs in my future.