Confirmed

My duck is a few eggs short of an omelet.  Literally.  This lady has been sitting dutifully on a nest for three days.  But Beth, you say, that sounds like rather normal fowl behavior.  Right.  It would be if there were any eggs in her nest.  But hélas, there are not.  Not a one.  She stopped laying eggs four days ago and for you math geniuses that would be one day before she decided to check into the Hotel de Nid located under the half dead tree at the corner of Drive the Dogs Crazy and Concrete (**).

In other news everyone is sick.  I'm sick.  Max is sick.  And Randi keeps falling off the bed at night, so she must be sick.

Creeping Bedtimes

Even as a little puppy, Puppy Clark would put himself to bed at promptly 8:30PM every night.  At first Sarah and I got worried thinking that he had run away or got out, but then I would say, "Sarah, let's look in his crate."  And sure enough Puppy Clark would be snoozing away.  Well, no more because Puppy Clark is no longer a puppy and his bedtime has been pushed up.  Now at 6:45PM I know where to find that guy...passed out on my bed.  All of this puts the average bedtime at the Saratoga Animal Shelter at about 7:30PM because I am so tired from work and being upright that I'm in bed, usually by 7:00PM.  (I'm only up late tonight because I forgot to pre-order the new Jack Reacher novel which came out today.)  My mom says I need to call my doctor to tell her that I'm so tired all the time because maybe I'm anemic, or anorexic or lacking in B12 vitamins or short on endorphins or suffering from a mutant viral infection or have a bleed in my brain.  I think the doctor's going to say, You're working 11-12 hours a day and you wonder why you're tired?  I think I'll save the co-pay to purchase gin.

Book Reviews

The Last Werewolf  Glen Duncan.  Abandoned.  I didn't finish this book.  Not because it wasn't great, but because it took me too long and the LA County Library took it back before I could finish it.  Not good enough to buy to finish.  Maybe if San Bernardino County makes it available I'll finish it.

The Relic Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child.  I didn't like this book.  Bill told me I'd like this Pendergrass series and I call, not so much.  This book's about some monster, animal mutant that's killing people in the New York Natural History Museum.  It rips people open and then eats their brains.  Ick.  I read three books trying to finish this book.  The last 100 pages were interesting, but before that?  Boring.  The idiot cop was too much of an idiot to be believable.   I only kept reading because I felt obliged when I didn't have another book to read.

The Persuader Lee Child.  Jack Reacher sees a guy he once knew and ends up getting involved with the CIA (or FBI, I can't remember) in order to try to find a missing agent.  He goes undercover.  He shoots some people in the head.  He is a man whore with the lady who is running the operation.  Exactly what you expect from Jack Reacher.  Hard core.

Nine Dragons Michael Connelly.  I'm technically not done with this book.  I still have 30 pages to go, but I'm going to review it anyways because it's just a formally now.  First, I hate reading books where kids are kidnapped.  And I doubly hate reading books where the character's kids are kidnapped.  (I gave up reading 24 Hours by Greg Iles for that exact reason.)  Harry Bosch's daughter has been kidnapped in Hong Kong.  He gets on a plane to go get her.  He does.  I like Harry Bosch better when he didn't have feelings and smoked packs of cigarettes.  I don't like Harry Bosch loving dad.  I like Detective Bosch investigating and not running around a city being Jack Reacher.  Still interesting.  Still a fast paced read.  But not the best.

In other book news, the new Jack Reacher book comes out this Tuesday!!  Let's be honest, I'll probably buy it.

Racking Up the Friends

I have had an unprecedented friending weekend.  I've been inundated with follow requests on my Twitter account, which brings my total followers up to three.  I'm not surprised at my lack of flock because I don't ever tweet.  I'm just what Gretchen's sister MaryAnn calls a 'creeper' because I just look to see what everyone else is doing.  True.  What would I tweet about?  Right now it would be "Earl, licking his feet again."  or "Randi and Clark playing on the bed." or "I think I'm getting sick, too tired to walk."  Plus I'm kinda afraid if I break the tweeting seal I might end up like Blake Shelton and just tweeting "Oh my god, I'm so drunk right now (fill in the blank)" every night.  And that's not good for anyone.   Today, I updated the blog, with the button on the side just in case anyone else wants to follow my non-tweets.

In case you don't get the Daily Press delivered to your house, you will have missed the article about CAMP in Friday's paper.  Just another reason your kid should be going to AVHS.

The Eye

This morning while I was out for my walk (2.81 miles at 2.8 mph!) there was a feral cat who threatened my life.  This cat hunkered down and gave me an evil eye so malicious that I crossed to the other side of the road because I thought, right, all I need is for a cat to attack me and then I'd have an asthma attack and rabies.  This cat watched me for at least a half a block.  I watched it too, but uncertain of the way of the felines, I wasn't sure how much I could stare at it before it would spring up and eat my face.  I used my only weapon and said, "Cat, you think you're hot shit right here Lone Eagle Road?  Why don't you take a stroll to the end of Saratoga.  Yeah, that's right Saratoga.  Ask for Randi and Earl."

A Gentle Plea

Dear Eggs-
I realize that most of the good one left years ago, but that's no reason to get all irrational and start acting like we're twelve.  It's unnecessary and embarrassing.  Get it together.
The Management

Vrai ou Faux

Si la phrase est fausse corrigez-la pour qu'elle soit vraie.  You lose one letter grade for each day your assignment is late.

1.  I am working too freaking much.
2. Tuesday Earl took a an empty and dirty Tupperware container out of the sink and to the backyard to nibble on while I got the duck egg.
3.  Randi knocked over a half a glass of water trying to get to Earl's empty and dirty Tupperware container.
4. I have still not picked it up.
5. There was a couple smoking either a) pot or b) crack out of a bong on the corner when I came home yesterday.
6. Randi somehow managed to get her head through the hole in the sheet that covers the love seat and walked around wearing it like a toga until Earl helped her rip it off.  
7. I don't have a picture because I was lounging on the sofa and like a turtle, it takes some time for me to get up.
8. Gretchen suggested I go have beers with her and Buddy and the hot firefighters and when I said, "Gretchen, I'm wearing a back brace, " she responded with, "Well maybe someone will have sympathy for you" and Sadonna added, "It's a conversation starter."
9. I wasn't feeling it.
10. Bodily harm could come to me if I don't show up to the post-Bell game fête at Gretchen's.
11. Clark is fucking needy clingy.
12. My dad and Max are adorable!!

Wild and Crazy

Yesterday I went to Agua Caliente Casino Resort with Sara and Jessica to see the Train concert.  I had never heard of Train, but way back in August decided to go because it seemed like a good idea to get out of the house.  What an adventure!  First, it was my first time being so long in the car and that was ok.  Then, we partied it up with sandwiches at the 6:00pm After Hours Hours at Dennys.  That was followed by some beer pounding and walking.  There was a lot of walking.  I asked Sara and Jessica if they noticed that we were walking at what could be described as a normal speed.  They had, but that speed didn't last all night and we eventually went back to a crawl.  The concert was really great.  Turns out, while I may not have heard of Train, I've heard Train and knew most of the songs.  The lead singer came out into the crowd and I thought if he had ventured up to the balcony where we were, I would have tried to get him to touch my back brace!  After the concert we drank some more beers and went to bed at 2:00am because that's how we crazy bitches roll.

Today I rode 15 minutes on the spinner bike!  Yea me!!  I wanted to do 20, but was afraid that might be too much right off the bat.  Little steps.  Little steps.

Celebrate!

I went to the doctor today.  He said that my back was fusing well and I can take my brace off in one month!  Which means only one thing!!  BRACK BRACE PARTY!!  I'm going to have a shindig to celebrate not wearing the back brace.  You'll get an invitation unless you didn't help me, because this party is only for people who have helped me in my recovery.  It's going to be the BOMB.  There's going to be walker races and contests with the pinchers.  And also copious amounts of alcohol most of which is left over from the Big Guy's retirement party because with only two exceptions, those lawyers were all a bunch of teetotalers.

The doctor also said that I can start riding the stationary bike!! Yeah!!! Jessica came over and moved the spinner bike from the bedroom, where it had been banishèd, to the living room where Hawaii 5-O plays.  I'm not riding it today because I already walked and I don't need to be a hero.  Plus Hawaii 5-O doesn't start until next week.  I'm going to start with getting on and off the bike and work my way up from there.  I forgot to ask the doctor if I'm supposed to wear the brace while riding, so I guess I will.  I don't want to fuck anything up now.

What a great day!!

Panique au matin

Yesterday morning at 5:30 I had a brief ten minutes of increasing panic and despair when I couldn't find the damn duck and couldn't remember if I had seen her the night before.  Normally she is waiting anxiously for me to feed her, so when I couldn't find her I started to wonder.  Then I got my flashlight, which for its size, emits an amazingly weak light due to the fact that it needs new batteries and I can't seem to make that happen.  I searched high and low.  I searched in her duckhouse.  I searched under the tables.  I called.  With mounting anxiety, I walked back through the house to the big back yard and started reluctantly looking for a duck carcass.  Randi and Earl looked surprisingly confused.  Then, as I was searching the perimeter in the dark, the flashlight beams came across the two bright eyed eyes and beak of the duck who was sitting on her damn nest hidden behind the half dead tree.

I just found out that you can vote for Max every day which I'm not going to lie, makes me less excited about this whole contest because it's one thing to ask people to vote once, but every day?  Til when?  That's a time commitment, I'm not sure everyone can do.

Popularity Contests

Look who's got a friend now!  ME!!!

Par contre, Baby Max is currently ranked at 245.  245!! SIMPLY UNACCEPTABLE!  Max is better than a measly 245.   Absolute nonsense, which is why I told all of the students who work for me after school to vote for him and one may or may not have said that he was going to post it on Faceebook with the message "Vote for this kid or my boss is going to fire me."  Have you seen the other pictures there?  Max has got this in the bag!   You are only excused from exclaiming Max's superiority on the World Cuteness Index if you have your own new baby because then clearly your baby is the Cutest Baby in the World.

Vote for Max!!

My dad entered Max in a contest.  You can vote for him to be officially the Cutest Baby in the World!

http://photos.parents.com/category/vote/photo/1041707

You get six thousand extra bonus points if you post this on Facebook and get your Facebook friends to vote as well!

Zero Is the Loneliest Number

Really people?

 Good thing I'm too happy I can walk to be depressed.

A Curse Upon My House

Last night Sara and I discovered that my surviving duck is cursing my house multiple times a day by walking underneath the ladder on the patio.  Just while we were sitting out there, she added 21 years of bad luck to the Saratoga Animal Shelter.  She didn't care one bit.  She just marched herself right under it as if it didn't mean a damn thing.  I asked Sara if she thought it was a plague upon both our houses (mine and the duck's) and she said she thought just the duck, but I'm not convinced.  I'd move the ladder, but it's heavy.

Today Randi and I watched Night at the Museum 2.  I say Randi and I because she was more interested in it than me.  She was enraptured by all of the noises and animated objects.  Her favorite movie by far.

I also spent about an hour with this guy.

Mon agrafeuse à MOI!

How much do I love this stapler?  Enough that when I got back to work and discovered it missing that I went into what can only be described as a "funk."  Enough that I asked everyone, "Have you seen my stapler? My stapler???  The one I 'borrowed' from the Women's Resource Center at Fresno State 14 years ago?  My stapler I thought I would keep for the rest of my life?  My stapler??"  Enough that I keep it closed up in its own special drawer and I don't let anyone else use it.  Enough that months ago when I discovered my mom had put it in another room, I grabbed it and yelled, "NO ONE TAKES MY SPECIAL STAPLER!  NO ONE!  THIS STAPLER DOESN'T LEAVE THIS DRAWER. DON'T TOUCH MY STAPLER, MOM!"  Enough that when I rediscovered it, I nearly cried, but settled on taking its picture in case it ever goes missing again and I need to put out BOLO posters.  Just for the record, I want to be buried with this stapler.

Portrait

Somebody wouldn't sit still.  (Hint:  it wasn't me.)

Official Sponsors

If I ever lose my job counting to ten 50 times in a class period, I want to become the person responsible for product placement on either The Glades or Hawaii 5-O and I'm willing to chose either one since both of the guys are pretty hot. As such, the Saratoga Animal Shelter has decided to fund itself entirely on product placement.  Voici a day in our lives.

4:45am:  I get up and makes Folgers Dark Blend coffee  "Man, Earl, I sure do love coffee."
5:49am:  I feed the duck, "Do you want some Old Roy chicken scratch?  Don't you go on sharing it with all of your bird friends now."
5:50M:  I put the dogs out using Old Roy medium sized dog bones, "You guys want an Old Roy medium sized dog bones?  You gotta sit!"
6:00am:  Earl eating, "Man this Old Roy dog food is delicious.  Randi, don't you just love it?"
6:30am:  Various birds exclaim, "Old Roy is our favorite!"
10:00am:  Clark sits inconspicuously by the Old Roy dog food.
(10:01-4:49:  Who knows what  the fuck goes on around here.)
5:00pm:  I get home.  "Geez, you guys ate all of the Old Roy food?  You sure do love it!  Let me check my iPhone to see if we can get Dad to bring a new bag."  I check my iPhone inconspicuously swiping through all of the cool apps, like iLettres et Bordas Conjugaisons before coming to Contacts and calling my dad.  He answers on a clearly inferior phone.
6:00pm:  I make dinner.  It involves Ken's Light Creamy Cesar.  Earl looks longingly at the Ken's Light Creamy Cesar bottle on the counter.
6:10pm:  While eating, Randi needs to be let out and Earl takes my salad off of the table and licks all of the Ken's Light Creamy Cesar off of the lettuce.  His face is clearly covered in Ken's Light Creamy Cesar.

Brought to you by the sponsors of the Saratoga Animal Shelter:  My dad, Old Roy, iPhone and Ken's Light Creamy Cesar Dressing.

Buffet

Les Arcs en Ciel

This is what I saw when I opened the gate to go for my walk.  I did not make it beyond the gate because I had geography in college and know that rainbows indicate the presence of water and I figured water was not a good idea for me on my walk.

Tethered

I'm not sure how she did this with the cord to the iron.

Pre-Ordered

Today I went for my first walk without the cane entirely.  I didn't even take it.  As will all endurance events, the mental aspect is key.  I didn't go far because I knew I wasn't ready for that, but at least I went somewhere.  I still have 0 friends on dailymile.com.  I was hoping someone out there would have made an effort and taken pity on me and made me their friend.

In other big news, I have pre-orded Into the Silence, which you can see is a new book about Mount Everest!!  Very excited.

Book Reviews

The Long Run  Matt Long.  This NYPD firefighter and elite athlete got run over by a bus and was given very little chance of surviving the night.  This is his story.  The surgeries.  The rehab.  His recovery and eventually running the NYC Marathon and doing an Ironman.  I saw this guy on the Daily Show and bought the book right then.  If  you need some inspiration to get your ass off of the couch or if you are feeling sorry for yourself because of whatever, I think you should read this book.  Interesting and engaging.

The Second Son  Lee Child.  A Jack Reacher short story!  Little 13-year old Jack Reacher has moved to  Okinawa with his family.  His French grandpa is dying.  His worry-wart brother Joe has got his panties in a bunch about a test, there's a bully with a boil who wants to charge the boys to cross the road and Reacher's dad's men have lost a code book.  What is a boy to do?  Jack Reacher does what he knows how to do which is bust some heads, break some wrists, solve a crime and be a man whore or in this case a boy whore.

The Hard Way  Lee Child.  Jack Reacher is in NYC getting some coffee.  (Jack Reacher loves coffee.)  He inadvertently sees a ransom money pickup* and subsequently gets involved with some ex-military turned government security contractors.  Then, Jack Reacher busts some heads, breaks some wrists, shoots some people in the head, solves a crime and is a man whore.  Good fast past read.  And of course, I love me some Jack Reacher.

*A couple of years ago rendez-vous was a vocab word.  I heard this kid in the back say, "What's a rendez-vous?"  and his partner answered back, "You know it's where you leave the money when someone gets kidnapped: at the rendez-vous point."