Safety Memo

To:  Members of the Saratoga Animal Shelter Safety and Alert Team

From:  The Shelter Director

RE:  Safety Procedures

Effective immediately all members of the Saratoga Animal Shelter Safety and Alert Team are directed to devote all attention and energies to ensuring the safety of the Saratoga Animal Shelter.  Due to recent events of the non-alerts of visitors during non-nap time hours, the Saratoga Animal Shelter Safety Team has been falling down on the job.  This is not limited to the Shelter's Director's mother appearing unannounced to the back door and practically causing the Shelter Director's heart attack.  The Shelter Director is lucky that she was sober, awake and not caught in flagrant dilecto.  This type of non-alert is simply unacceptable.  All visitors should be announced via loud barking, humping and attacking each other so that the Shelter Director is given no other option, but to get up from her her riveting television program and not caught unawares.  In exchange for the alerts, the Shelter Director points the Alert Team to section IV of the Saratoga Animal Shelter Bargaining Unit Contract in which the Shelter Safety and Alert Team is guaranteed food and water and the opportunity to pre-wash the dishes in exchange for appropriate and timely alerts of coming visitors.  If you have any questions please see your union rep.

Maladies

I've been afflicted with maladies this week.  I started the week of with a mysterious pain in my chest.  I diagnosed it as a tumor, a heart attack or pneumonia and Chad suggested maybe I could be pregnant.  I don't normally take what he has to say very seriously because he generally makes a lot of shit up, but he is the anatomy and physiology and AP Bio teacher, so presumably has a better handle on human anatomy.  I wasn't sure how my uterus would have migrated to my chest, but maybe it just got tired hanging around doing nothing in my nether regions and decided to head in a different direction.  (In a derisive and unanticipated move, it shouted to my ovaries, "I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to try to make a run for it.  This place blows.")  In any case, my mysterious chest pain caused me to rub awkwardly my chest when students weren't around or when I forgot they were around and did it anyways and to tell people, "I just don't feel well.  It's probably a tumor or a heart attack, but we still haven't ruled out thoracic pregnancy."  Then Tuesday on my way out of my classroom dungeon, I twisted my ankle, which twisted my back, which made me sore for two days.  My mysterious chest pain was tolerable by Thursday and today doesn't hurt at all.  My other maladie is that I am unmotivated to sit in front of the computer any more than I have to, so haven't uploaded any photos to my photo project or done anything else that required a computer.

Mother's Day

Punch Her in the Nose

Indulge Me

I wish I could laugh like this every day.

Uh-Oh

Twinsies

Last week on our way back from a conference in Palm Springs, Gretchen and I stopped at the outlet malls for some shopping and we bought matching shoes.  I never would have even tried on these shoes, but I did and they were so comfortable that I had to get them.  And now Gretchen and I can be twinsies, which I think is marginally less exciting for her since she is an actual twin and probably spent a large amount of her life dressed exactly like someone else.  Only our mothers can tell us apart.

Getting Down to Business

This duck has started laying eggs again.  In her nest.  That she built before the eggs came.  I've never been so proud.  I was starting to get worried, but Stephen the Bird Whisperer had assured me that she was probably self-basting when she was swimming in her pool.  I don't know why I ever even doubted Stephen the Bird Whisperer.