That in Which the Hapless Heroine Gets In (and Out) of a Strange Man's Car

What had happened was I was out walking down Iroquois for my normal walk when a rotweillie looking dog out in the middle of the street started to get a little agressive.  On my way out I was able to convince him to stay away, but when I was walking back up Iroquois 40 minutes later he wasn't having it and started to bark ferociously.  I started to get concerned thinking that a) I was going to get bit à la Sara et Pitbull or b) I was going to get mauled in the middle of Iroquois and either way it was going to hurt and ruin my day.  The dog was coming closer and closer baring its teeth when suddenly a white car with a man in it drove up in between me and the dog.  I said, "Oh thank you; I was getting worried."  The guy told me I should carry a stick and I asked him if he could just drive for a bit in between me and the dog until the dog forgot what he was about.  The man agreed, but as he was driving the dog was not getting the hit and so finally the man said, "Here, get in and I'll drop you off up there."  Weighing the options of being mauled by the dog or attacked by the man in his car, I quickly hopped in.  He introduced himself (Mark) and he reminded me again that I should carry a stick and he dropped me off on the corner of Iroquois and Sitting Bull.  He offered to take me to my actual house, but that would have defeated the purpose of my actual walk, so I thanked Mark and wished him a Happy New Year and went along my walk with an extra spring in my step because I was a damsel in distress!  Me!  And I was saved by a man in a white car!  My knight in shining armor!!  It was the most exciting thing that's happened to me in months.

Questions you may have regarding my being saved today:

Did you have your good Chapstick with you?
No.  I, in fact, had no Chapstick with me.

Were you looking cute?
Absolutely not, but I had taken a shower yesterday.  (see story below)

Was he cute?
I thought so.

Was his car nice?
No.  It was an old beater car.  In fact the door was a little sticky, so when I went to get out I said, "Is this locked?"  I prefer to think of it as his car he takes to Mexico.

Did it happen just like when Charlotte meets Trey on Sex and the City?
Just about exactly like that.

Are you going to start walking with a stick?
Maybe but then what reason would a man have to help me?


The Story of Me Taking a Shower
(Yesterday my dad asked me if I wanted to go to dinner with him and my mom at 5:00pm)

This is the exact conversation that happened at 4:07pm yesterday

Me:  Are we still going to dinner?
My dad:  I don't know I can't get a hold of your mother.
Me:  Well, I don't want to take a shower if we're not going to dinner.
My dad:  Uh, ok, I don't know know what to tell you.  She's not answering her phone.
Me:  How am I supposed to know if I should take a shower, Dad.
My dad:  Well it's 4:00 on a Sunday.  I don't think you can go wrong.
Me:  But I'll have to put clean clothes on.
My dad: Oh Jesus Christ, let me call your mother again.
(two minutes later)
My dad:  She's ignoring me too.  I don't know what to tell you.  She might just be at Roberta's.
Me:  I just don't feel like I have enough quality intel on this situation in order to make an informed decision.  I'm going to have to go in a holding pattern and that means no shower at this time.  Keep me updated.

At 5:03 the phone rang
My dad:  Get in the shower, we're going to dinner.

End of Year

Over here at the Saratoga Animal Shelter we are trying desperately to stay away from the Pinterest so we can get some shit done.  I went on briefly this morning to find something to make for dinner tonight.  Yesterday Jessica and Sara wanted to hold a Pinterest intervention.  I'm not actually on Pinterest, but if I were these are the boards we would pin to:

Me:  Shit I want, so please let me get married so I can register somewhere
Earl:  Shit that makes good bongs
Randi and Earl:  Mischief we'd make if we had the time
Chloe:  Shit I could shred in under two minutes

Clark Update:
The same, mostly.  Yesterday he ate twice and moved around some more.

Year End Review:
I can't think of anything to actually review.  For some unknown reason I abandoned my photo project in July which I regret when I looked back at the pictures for the half of the year.  I still printed all of the pictures that I took.  And I'm going to try again this year.

Fitness:
I will have walked just about 630 miles this year after I go for my walk today.  I think for next year I'll aim for 700.  That's easily doable if I get my ass out of bed a couple of mornings a week and get to the gym.  I just don't want to get up at 4:30am.  Idonwannadoit.

Mischief:
I'd say the overall mischief level was pretty low this year.  There was a year end spike due to the arrival of Chloe, which is why Randi and Chloe are currently wearing shock collars because they think it is appropriate and acceptable to play in my house.  What don't I have?  Enough room for a St. Bernard puppy and Randi to play in my house.

Books:
I think I've read about 37 books.  I don't think that's that many really, but looking back at the books I read this year they were all good.  The only ones that stick out are the ones that I just finished this week and those are:  Gone Girl (yes, I'll put it on the list like everyone else) and Transfer of Power which is the first in the Mitch Rapp CIA spy guy who doesn't exist series.  Both books I couldn't put down.  Both books had me holding my breath.

Happy New Year!

Updates

Here at the Saratoga Animal Shelter we are not interested in being productive.  We don't even want to approach an activity that could be, in any way, mistaken for productivity.  What we want to do is get up at a reasonable hour, dick around on the computer-including, but not limited to at least 40 minutes of looking at nonsense on Pinterest, go for a walk, eat, read our book until it's time to eat, eat, then watch a movie until it is time to go to bed to read some more. We would take this lack of productivity issue to the Shelter Director, however that would require actual action and so we have decided to wallow in inactivity until we can't stand it any more and decide to get some shit done or we have to go back to work; whichever comes first.

Clark seems to be doing better.  He is more active.  His eyes don't look dead and he is interested in eating (though not very much.)  This morning he wanted to eat so I fed him some regular canned dog food and he ate two bites and at lunch he ate several tortilla chips (Hint of Lime flavor).  I am no longer worried that his death is imminent, but he has a long ways to go before I go back to work next week.  Today I went to Ross and bought three new pet beds because last night there seemed to be some  unusual concern on the part of the canines about where everyone was going to sleep.  At one point Chloe had herself on the small pet bed that Clark has been sleeping on.  That dog has some serious issues gaging her body size.  She seems to think that she is still a puppy sized dog.

Merriment

So far I would not say this Christmas Holiday has been stellar.  First, Christmas was thrown up in upheaval when on the 23rd we were unexpectedly informed that the Little Guy would not be at my house on Christmas Eve nor my mom's house Christmas morning.  While little Max probably did not care, being of an age that presents just don't matter, it threw my mom into despondency since she had been planning since before his birth the Christmas morning surprise.  Combined with the most recent episodes of Crazy and Ridiculous made one want to shout, "Merry fucking Christmas."

Nevertheless I planned a wonderful dinner for Christmas Eve and in the morning I left to go get some final additions to my table setting and everyone was fine.  I was more excited about my table setting for Christmas than anything else.    My table setting was inspired by a healthy dose of Pinterest, Julie's table setting at December book club and my own imagination.  I was so pleased with it that I haven't taken it down.

Anyways, when I got back from buying decorations and after having finally found a sweater that would fit Clark's overly large chest, I found that Clark was acting "weird."  He got down from the chair and wasn't moving, didn't want to eat and was alternately shaking and staring blankly.  I didn't think too much about it because Clark has a tendency to get his feelings very hurt and often acts a bit offended whenever there is any kind of scuffle in the Backyard and I figured there must have been a tumble and being the smallest of the Pack he got the brunt of it.

Christmas morning we (Max) were opening everything that was on the left hand side of Toys R Us, when Sara called to say that she was on her way to the emergency room because she had been bitten by a pitbull on her walk.  She called 911 and even got a ride in the firetruck back to her house.  She is ok, but it's not certain yet whether the bite caused any damage to her Achilles tendon and she's walking with my cane to help with the pain.  Bill said that she needs to stop rubbing hamburger on her ankles to try to get dogs to bite her so she can have the firemen come out.

Yes, he is wearing a tie and a short sleeved shirt.

Properly attired for using a power tools

When I got home Clark was still acting weird and so I made an appointment for him on Wednesday.  And it wasn't good.  Clark had lost four pounds since he was in at the beginning of the month.  He was breathing laboriously, had a fever and was generally lethargic and he threw up a bunch of green bile in the exam room.   Combined with not having eaten since Sunday, the vet said, "This is not good; there are several things that concern me deeply and so we can do tests or we can try to make him as comfortable as we can for as long as we can."  I had the tests done, but hearing that Clark might need to be made comfortable "for as long as we can" started me crying in the vet's office because I thought he had just got knocked around in a tumble.  The tests showed nothing specific and the vet said we could either do an ultrasound or just try to see if he would take pain medicine and antibiotics.  I left the vet, brought Clark home where he refused to even think about eating  and therefore could not take his medicine and whereupon I commenced to become hysterical for most of the afternoon.  I was able to get him to eat a little bit of the pain pill and when Sara came over on Thursday he got up and wagged his tail and was definitely interested in eating.  Since then not so much.  Yesterday I called Pete and Steffi who suggested a long-acting antibiotic so I went back to the vet for the second time yesterday.

Why was I at the vet for the second time?  Because as I was walking I started to think about Sara who is still waiting to hear if the pitbull that bit her is current on its shots and I had this sudden realization that Baby Shila (pictured below), a pitbull, who had gotten out only a week ago, was not current on her shots because my sister hadn't taken her.  I had planned on taking her this week, but had a sudden oh shit moment, so when the vet's office called to check on Clark, I made an appoint for Shila immediately.

Fierce, in a sweater

 So back to Clark.
Things that look good for Clark:

• He still loves Sara.
• He is drinking water.
• He is getting up and going outside and doing his business.
• He has been interested in eating once or twice.
• He will occasionally get up on the couch.
• Last night he moved from the bedroom to the couch back to his bed in the bedroom.
• This morning he wants to be by me in the sewing room.
• He gave me a kiss on Wednesday night.
• His left ear is still sticking up.

Things that look bad for Clark:

• He is still quite lethargic.
• There was blood in his stool on Thursday.
• He is not really all that interested in eating.
• He threw up again last night.
• He is still shaking and weak.
• The vet doesn't sound hopeful.

I am now on Clark Watch and I'm ok to leave the house for a couple of hours since he's so lethargic he wouldn't possibly do anything, but I can't be gone all day.  I'm hoping that this antibiotic shot will take care of whatever is ailing him and that today I will start to see some marked improvement.  I did have things that I wanted to do, but with Sara out of commission and keeping the Grim Reaper at bay, I'm just as happy to have an excuse to stay home and read.

Clark Watch

Worming

The Saratoga Animal Shelter is suffering from a shattered heart.  Not a broken heart because that would imply some kind of finality, but a heart that is fragmented into an infinite number of tiny slivers that pierce and stab each time they are chipped away; a heart which will undoubtedly continue to crack rancorously; a state that leaves it vulnerable to this kind of nonsense:

"Keep me...I'm bred to save those who need help"

High Altitude Camouflage

Yes, this is me, Chloe, Randi and Earl on the couch

Christmas Preparations

Yesterday was the school Christmas Breakfast where anyone who is anyone shows up with a baby.  I got up and drove to my parents and picked up Max so that I could be like all the other cool people.   I told Max while we were at school we could go look at the cows, which meant the whole way to school and during breakfast I was treated to "cows! cows? cows? cows!" We ate some pancake, cooed over all the new babies, threw some pancake on the floor and then I asked Duane, the ag teacher, what a girl had to do to get in to see the pigs which are by the cows, but not so easily visible from the parking lot.  He told me the secret and said we could go over any time.  So me and Max went to see some pigs and cows.  Duane stopped by on his way out and said that we could even touch the cows.  Who knew.  I was reluctant to do any touching in case cows could eat people.  I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that petting the cows may have been the highlight in Max's life so far.  

Breakfast Self Portrait

Portrait by Gretchen

After that I drove Max home, then drove back to school to work and then drove back to my mom's to take Max for his first real walk in his new Bob Stroller which is like the Cadillac of all strollers.  He was so tired from all the morning exertions that he slept most of the way and therefore didn't hear me saying, "Wow Max this stroller is awesome," at least twenty times.

Yesterday I even went to a Christmas party at Kristin's house.  I had been threatened within an inch of my life to show up at this party and to show up looking good.  I was told to submit pictures of my outfit ahead of time for approval.  Sara was going too, but I didn't want to show up without a man, so I made mine out of cheese and took Frosty the Melting Cheeseball man.  Frosty was awesome.  He was an awesome specimen and an even tastier appetizer.  

When I left the party I came home to discover that Baby Shila was not in the yard, but in the access way barking at the yard.  I can't access my access way from the backyard so I had to drive around, get out, walk two houses down and then drag and carry the damn dog to the car.  Baby Shila is going to live in the Little Backyard from now on because there's concrete and she can't get out of there.  Not that she won't try.  When she was younger my sister had her in a pen and poured concrete and she spent a large part of her day clawing at that doing an impressive amount of damage for something that isn't a jackhammer.

Frosty

 Today me, Max, Sara, Bill and Clarence went on a walk in the desert and once again Max's stroller proved its awesomeness.  That thing is just amazing.  Max was remarkably good considering we were gone an hour and half.  Sara did have to hold his hand part of the way.  I'm not sure why.  I guess he just wanted to be part of the group.  After we went to breakfast where Max was still so good that Clarence (80) said he might think about having kids if they were that good.  Next me and Max went to the library where there was less goodness and more screaming wildly at the board books and wiggling when I was trying to check out.  In the car Max told me "nite-nite."  When that kid says "nite-nite" he's not bullshitting around and he was asleep before the next traffic light.

Holding hands

 Tonight Sara, Jessica and I celebrated Christmas.  I got Jessica some actual Laker's bench towels that my cousin Josh was selling on eBay.  I said, "Bench towels?  I'll take 'em!!"  And I did, along with a Kobe Bryant doll.   The towels have never been washed.  Jessica got me and Sara gigantic wine bottles.

This dog is so damn big she can stand and sit on the chair at the same time.

Back away from the cute dog.

Clean Up On Aisle Four

Here at the Saratoga Animal Shelter we're going through Fabuloso like it's water.  Baby Shila seems to think the hallway exists outside and I've had to clean up puddles several nights in a row.  Chloe appears to have contracted kennel cough and is hacking up phlegm and last night even threw up twice.  Good times.  The washing machine keeps leaking.  I need to go somewhere today and purchase some more towels because I keep running out of towels to mop shit up.  It's getting rather old.

I don't have any actual heat in my house at this actual moment because the pilot went out on the wall heater and I refuse to light a fire because I'm planning on getting a pellet stove.  I've been thinking about a pellet stove for a while because I think it will keep me over all much warmer because when I come home at 8:00 and am unwilling to light a fire, I can just start up the pellet stove and be warm.  In the meantime I've set up the space heater at the edge of the hallway so that I can sit and read later in warmth.  This has caused, not unexpectedly, Earl to cry and whine and refuse to go down the hallway. I tried to show him that he could bypass that area by going through the kitchen but he was too distraught.  He's laying in the bedroom being protected by his sister.

Friday Max came to school with me for a little while.  He was very excited about seeing "people and cows."  He once again was the beau of the ball and we used the decorations for the choir performance to take some picture for Grandma and Grandpa.  I also printed Grandma and Grandpa a calendar of pictures of me and Max.  Ha ha.  I'm funny.

Cows

 I got home one day this week to discover that Chloe had found a tree branch to play with.  I've not yet discovered the tree from which it came because it doesn't appear that any of the trees are missing any branches.  Perhaps it fell out of the sky.

This week I asked my friends to have an intervention for me because Chloe was growing on me.  I'm happy to report that the intervention was successful and common sense has prevailed and Steffi's going to come over and take pictures of Chloe to try to get her adopted.  And if she doesn't get adopted then it is God's sign that I am going to be single for the rest of my life because Kim said the fact that I have five dogs is a major factor in scaring men away.

Moral Compases

Chloe went to get fixed today so she couldn't have any water or food after 8pm last night.  Let me tell you, that was some fucking good times.  I took all the water away and no one understood why.  All night long Clark and Shila paced in the hallway with Shila only taking a break to pee once again on my floor.  At one point I was standing in the living room screaming, "You need to calm the fuck down!  You can't have any water! You're not going to die, but you need to sit the fuck down."  Who were model canine citizens?  Fucking Randi and Earl.  Those two stayed on the bed, quiet as mice all night long.  I think also at one point I may have screamed, "Why can't you just sit the fuck down like Randi and Earl!  Randi and Earl are being good!"  Eventually I threw Shila out in the yard and locked Clark, Chloe, Randi and Earl in the room with me and I got 20 minutes of sleep until Clark was up again.  I was not happy.

Two well behaved dogs, a juvenile and an asshole

Chloe, the St. Bernard puppy weighs 92 lbs which is 30 lbs less than I thought and 8 lbs less than my dad thought.  Of course, getting fixed costs more if they are over 91, so clearly she should have been fasting since earlier this week.  Her surgery went well and it appears that she had indeed not been a filthy whore a month ago.  She is now going to be on her way to getting adopted.  She's a super sweet dog if anyone wants a St. Bernard puppy.

Before I went to pick up the uterous-less St. Bernard puppy, I stopped off at my mom's house.  I hadn't even gotten out of the car, but it was clear by the way that Grandma was wielding the hedge trimmers that Grandpa had not been doing what he was supposed to.  Max and I quickly took refuge in the living room and watched Happy Feet 2 for the bazillionth time.  I also took the time to help Max with his French.

First Real Day

Today was the true test of the Revised Pack's abilities to be left alone and it appears that all went rather smoothly.  The only casualty was Chloe's cottage cheese container which also doubles as her food bowl.  She poked numerous holes it in.  Otherwise everyone is fine.  Or as fine as a group of five dogs can be in my small house.

My Revised Pack

By far the best thing that's happened was Chloe trying to go underneath Earl to get to the back of the room and since she didn't fit, she lifted him onto her back and then picked up him and he eventually fell over.  Comedy.

I have taken on "The Tom's Challenge" where I have decided to eat my way through the entire menu at Tom's where we go for breakfast after exercise.  I've just started and so today I had the #3 Lunch special (bacon burger and fries which I shared with Clark when I got home.)  I've started with lunch since we're walking later so that when summer time comes I can go ahead and have breakfast.  Tom's has quite an extensive menu so I expect this project to take at least two years.  Sara says I'm going to have a couple of good weeks when I get to the fitness menu.  

+2

A very young Puppy Clark and Baby Shila playing

Perhaps because I follow Michelle Bachman on Twitter, I've started to emulate her own brand of craziness combined with a passion for foster care and adoption.  Not sure, but the Saratoga Animal Shelter is now sheltering two more members.  Both are my sister's dogs.  Baby Shila with the big head is my sister's pitbull with a big head.  She's chill.  She and Clark were roomies at the Canine Club Med Apple Valley location, located at my parents' house when I was in France.  The other is my sister's "St. Bernard Puppy" who did not come with a barrel around her neck, but who is about 2,000 pounds and who is not spayed and who may or may not have been a filthy whore about a month ago.

Let me back up.  Wednesday I came home and it was clear that something was wrong with Randi's left ear.  It didn't take a super genius to deduce that the blood on her ear was not normal.  When it was still gross on Thursday I made an appointment for her.  I had to run out of school and run home and get Randi on the leash and try to get her in the car calmly.  She was mostly ok, but Earl escaped and ran amok on the street for three or four minutes until he got afraid he wasn't going to get to go for a ride and I was able to capture him and throw him back in the backyard.  Randi, she doesn't really mind being separated from Earl, but you'd think you were removing Earl's left kidney from the amount of crying he does when Randi is taken away from him.  I am very, very happy to announce that all of Randi's hard work in the weight department has paid off and she lost 2.4 pounds.  Yea Randi!!  The vet said her ear was a gross, yucky mess and smelled very bad so they cleaned it up and sent her home with some cream and antibiotics.  Then I called Pete and Steffi who came to help me get the dogs.

My sister's moving and can't keep her dogs.  I didn't want either one of them to go to the pound so I said that I would take them.  It's been some moments of stress and anxiety.  Was I making the right decision?  Was I going to be able to do this?  Was I insane?  I asked Pete and Steffi to help me because I was afraid that if I brought the "St. Bernard puppy" home and that it did not go well that I would be unable to do control it and I needed some expert dog advice.  So last night me, Pete and Steffi went and got Shila and Chloe, the 2,000lb St. Bernard puppy.

Curious

I don't know why anyone would get a St. Bernard puppy.  I understand why you would want to because I'm sure they're stinking cute when they're little, but anyone with any kind of common sense would realize that a St. Bernard puppy grows up to be a flippin giant.  This dog makes Randi and Earl look like tea cup poodles.  Last night we put Chloe and Shila in the Little Backyard and then one by one introduced Shila to the rest of the pack.  As I expected, it went fine.  Clark was excited to see his old friend and pretty much everyone ignored everyone else.  Steffi suggested we wait until morning to introduce Chloe since she was 2,000lbs and was the wild card in this situation.  This meant that Chloe was outside in the Little Backyard by herself.  She wanted to be inside.  She banged on the door.  She climbed on the table.  Randi and Earl whined at the door.  I took a pain pill and locked me, Clark, Randi, Earl and Shila in my bedroom for the night.

This morning there was some more violent banging on the door and crying until I put one of Randi and Earl's shock collars on the 2,000lb St. Bernard puppy and used that to encourage her to stop.  That was rather effective until the battery ran out on the collar.  Luckily I have two so I can keep one constantly charged.  Around 12:30 Pete came back over and we introduced Chloe to the rest of the Pack, one by one.  It was all rather anti-climatic.  Everyone was fine.  We let them be outside together and then we let them be inside together and then all six of us watched The Real Housewives of Atlanta together calmly, like any normal family.  Clark seems to be the most affected; growling and quivering in the corner most of the time, but who wouldn't when faced with an animal six times your size.  (It's rather reminiscent to how Randi and Earl treated Sarah, only Clark doesn't have Sarah's sunny disposition.)  Shila's been mostly on her own program, doing what she does best: sleeping or making pig sounds to indicate her contentedness.

Making friends

For now Chloe and Shila are going to live in the Little Backyard when I'm not here and everyone else will be in the Big Backyard.  We may try everyone sleeping in the house tonight.  And once Chloe's spayed this week then we'll start looking for a home for her because while she's a very nice, sweet, loving dog I still have some common sense left.

Watching the Real Housewives

4/5 of the new pack

"A St. Bernard Puppy!"

Advent calendar I made for Max.  It's got ornaments in each pocket.

The cleaning lady got all my ducks in a row.