Earl la Fleur

Earl la Fleur decided last night that the newly hung pots and pans posed an immediate threat and raised the Saratoga Animal Shelter Danger Alert to red. At 9:37pm he sounded the alert by barking in his most ferocious bark. I was in the spare room and when I heard this, I walked out and puzzled, had a brief moment of panic when I thought that maybe an intruder had entered the house and had been cornered in the kitchen by the ferocious Earl la Fleur. (I wasn't quite sure what an intruder would want in the kitchen because that's not where I keep my valuables.) However, when I peered around the corner I realized that Earl la Fleur was just barking at the pots and pans, which he watched me put up yesterday. It took about ten minutes before Earl was convinced enough to stop barking at the pots and pans.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Note: All times are approximate.
3:00pm Randi, Earl, Clark and I depart en voiture for our walk. Randi refuses to sit nicely in the back and insists on putting her feet on the console where she knows her feet are not supposed to be. She climbs over Clark and Earl to do so. Neither are very happy.

3:20pm We begin the walk.

3:50pm I decide, against my better judgment to let the puppies run free (though still attached to each other.)

3:55pm I can't see them anymore. Clark and I decide not to panic because surely how far could they have gone. We climb to the top of the hill and look. We can't see Randi and Earl. We do not panic, but continue on our route.

4:00pm Clark and I still do not panic.

4:10pm After some time of calling, Clark and I panic and call my mom to come meet us and take me back to my car so I can go and search for the puppies.

4:15pm Clark and I are picked up by some guys in a mule. They are not very nice and insist that despite Randi and Earl's size they will be eaten by coyotes.

5:00pm Bill and I make the initial search. No puppies. Panic turns into big tears.

6:00pm My dad takes Bill's place in the truck. Realizing that Randi and Earl are indeed lost in the desert and would be spending the night by themselves, alone, attached to each other, and looking tasty for the coyotes, panic turns in to hysterics and tears.

6:00-7:00pm Continued panic and hysterics.

7:30pm Return home to tell Sarah that I have indeed "lost the puppies" which induces even more hysterics and and big tears. Sarah does somersaults.

7:45pm Vicodin kicks in.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

7:30 am-3:00pm Phase II search and rescue begins. My mom, dad, sister and the bike guys all look. No Randi and Earl. My mom hands out stickies. No Randi and Earl.

12:00 I return home. Sarah sits in the breezeway looking down the street. Probably to make sure nobody is pulling her leg and the puppies aren't going to come running around the corner. The house is VERY quiet. I call all animal shelters and report Randi and Earl lost. I don't know how to answer the question "What breed?" I've always just said bad.

6:00pm My dad reports that he has seen some code enforcement guys hiding out with big binoculars. This is encouraging as if Randi and Earl were still in the desert they would see them. Some hope.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

10:00am A guy calls and says he thinks he has Randi and Earl. He does. They are still attached. They jump in the car. Earl has big gashes. They both have huge burns from the tandem leash. When I get them home, they just sleep. The pack is once again complete.

Monday, January 26, 2009

4:00pm $345 Vet Bill Earl get an Elizabethian collar. Randi nearly has panic when they take him out of the room.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Mischief continues as normal.

Randi and Earl March on Washington for a Bailout

Randi and Earl have gone to Washington this week to ask congress for a multi-billion dollar bailout package for the Saratoga Animal Shelter and other like shelters. They cite the increased cost of dog food and toys to destroy as some of shelter's main concerns. Plus they just don't see why they should be any different and they are hoping to show the President-Elect Obama how cute they are.

In real news, the Saratoga Animal Shelter is accepting ideas for how to mark the one year anniversary of Randi's unadoption. We are pretty sure it is this weekend that she was adopted and then unadopted two days later. We don't know what is appropriate since unadoption isn't really a celebration, though Randi's never acted like it. She has never shown any sign of diminished self-confidence or self-worth after her unadoption. Sarah has offered Randi and Earl a long walk off a short pier, but we suspect it's not offered in all sincerity.

Recently there have been some questions to the exact rules of the Everyone Runs Around While Sarah Barks Game. This is not a very complicated game. In fact the only real rule is that you continue to run around while Sarah barks. The game is over when I can't stand it any more and make Sarah come in.

Eternal Vow

Never again
No matter how cheap it is at Walmart
Will I buy Kibbles and Bits
I will remember the mess
It makes. No matter how cheap it is
At Walmart.

New Year

Well, apparently the puppies have decided that bien indeed a new year is for turning a new leaf. I went on a very small trip yesterday to Jawbone
Question #1 What is Jawbone? A place to do off-road riding near Mojave. It looks like Apple Valley, but there are trails and its part of the Red Canyon State Park.

Question #2 Does every state have a place called Red Canyon? It seems, yes, they do. I think there should be a name registry so people like me don't get confused. Or at least states should be required to choose something more original than Red as a description.

Question #3 What the heck were you doing there? I was riding (along) in Josh's buggy. It was fantastic fun. I'm not alowed to drive any kind of of-road vehicle since I was put on quad restriction three years ago when I crashed Josh's dad's quad at Dumont. (Totally not my fault. It was only my third time ever riding and I was in a place I should not have been.) The crash itself was semi-spectacular. I fell off, started to roll down a hill, then the quad started to tumble and rolled over me and we tumbled down the hill. Hence, I'm not so keen on driving off-road vehicles. But riding along? WHOOHOO fun!!

Back to the Pack which was alone for one night. Now, I've not checked the garage, nor really any part of the backyard, but my initial survey of the homestead shows minimal to no damage. This is a definate improvement. On the bad side, somehow Clark had blood crusted to his right ear. I imagine that it had something to do with a wrestling match. Or a fight with Earl. In any case perhaps Randi and Earl are becoming more mature. Or maybe there's nothing left to destroy.

Open letter to the Obamas

Dear Obama Family,
I understand that you are looking for a puppy. It is all over the news, of course. I have two puppies and I would like to explain why they would be perfect for your family and this great country. First, the puppies are named Randi and Earl. They are brother and sister and must go together. Families need to stick together-sense of family is one of the values of this great country. I don't know what kind of dogs they are. They have come from the canine melting pot, just like many Americains. NPR has been talking a lot about "moxi" the ability to survive in hard times. Randi and Earl have moxi. I don't know how long they survived on their own before they showed up at my house, but based on their look it was quite a while. Randi and Earl persevered, like the Pilgrims, like the Pioneers they set out for unknown lands not knowing what was waiting for them, but they made it work. Additionally, as America was founded by hard-workers, Randi and Earl are very hard workers. They certainly believe in staying busy and are constantly working and finding different projects. Currently, they are working on a moat around my pool.

You can see how Randi and Earl espouse the values of America, but they are also a good choice for your family. They are potty trained. As a taxpayer and in this time of economic uncertainty, I don't think it is appropriate to be spending money on new carpet or the Little Green Machine to clean up after puppy accidents. On NPR (again) there was a man who said that your choice in puppy should be active and able to take a lot of movement and activity. This is Randi and Earl. They are very active and most happy when there is lots of movement and things to do. But, they can also entertain themselves if they need to. They like to wrestle and play. They like to go places and love to ride in the car. (Just make sure you put on the child lock for the windows. Randi is very smart.) I've taught them some French, so they are multilingual. (I understand this makes them unlike most Americains, but we are looking for change.) They know phrases like "oh mon dieu!" and "un, deux, trois aller!" Also, there are two of them and since you have two girls you will not want them to have to fight over the puppy and this way they can each have one. But most importantly they are dang cute. I think this is probably most important for publicity purposes. Imagine the Time magazine cover with their cute faces on the front and the words "America's dogs." They have choke chains and a tandem leash. Earl does a great impression of a dying dinosaur. How many dogs can do that?

I am confident that you will see how perfect Randi and Earl will fit your family and represent this great country. Just let me know when you will be coming to pick them up. I'll get new collars for them.

Three Quarters

Yesterday, I may have made one of the stupidest decisions of my life. It started when I decided that I would take Randi and Earl on their first walk in the desert in 8 months. All started normally, when I pulled out the leash, Randi and Earl nearly knocked me over. I risked breaking all of my nails trying to get them on the leash and they tumbled out the door. The puppies have a tandem leash. This works well because if one tries to go one way the other one usually is doing the opposite and it results in less marginally less yanking. The whole process went awry when I opened the gate and Clark ran into the front yard.
When Clark gets out of the yard, it is a fiasco. Usually he won't come back and so I have to go and get food and then chase him and 20 minutes later, I grab him. So when he got out, I said a few choice words. However as soon as I opened the door to the truck Clark jumped in. I thought great! I'll grab him. Only Clark wasn't having it and every time I opened the door, he ran to a different area of the truck. So I did the only logical thing: I got his harness and leashed and decided to take Randi, Earl and Clark on a walk.

(Sarah, freed of the constraints of all of the lesser, undisciplined and annoying members of the pack enjoyed quiet time. She ate peacefully. She made her perimeter check without anyone in front of her, behind her, next to her, punking her, looking at her or otherwise compromising the integrity of the permimeter check. She sun bathed wherever she wanted without anyone near her and she reminisced about the times when this was her normal life. Then we came home.)

Randi and Earl love the car and they sit very well in the back seat (as long as the child locks are on the windows.) Clark-not so much. He's nervous nelly and has to stand the whole time. Before we left, I had called my sister to let her know I was embarking on a possible life damaging endeaver and if she didn't hear back from me it was because I had been dismembered in the desert walking 3/4 of the pack. Once we got out of the car and on our way the walk was remarkably peaceful and pleasant. I think I may rent them out as a new upper body workout since I'm sore from pulling back. We did not see a rabbit or any other animal, so I think this may be one reason we survived.

Then, the pack decided to be assholes when Josh brought his puppy over to play. Well, everyone but Sarah. She was just pissed. First, Josh had promised he would take her. Second he didn't. Third she probably thought that his puppy might be staying. The other three quarters were big jerks and mean.