Tuesday April 28

My friend Holly said that if April 28th falls on a Tuesday (like it did) that in Argentina they eat gnocchi for good luck. So last night I ate gnocchi. I'm calling bullshit with two hands on the good luck part. When I got home last night, the neighbor came over to tell me that Randi and Earl had dug into his yard to play with their friend the little puppy. Then, Randi jumped over their fence to run amok for a while before jumping back into their yard. When I got home they were both very very excited and ready to go for a walk for at least have another 30 minutes of unadulterated illicit mischief.

Subsequently, I had to take a "family medical leave" day from work because I can't afford for them to be arrested and incarcerated a second time. First, Randi and Earl were on 24 hour watch and I didn't even let them out for a bathroom break without supervision. Then I had to wait for the feed store to open to go get the rest of the materials to hotwire the fence on the bottom of the fence. In order to do that AND prevent Randi and Earl from revisiting their friend the little puppy, I had to put them in the truck and take them with me to the feed store. They thought we were going for a walk. Then they tried to drive the car and when I came out of the feed store they were both sitting in the front seat like they were going to drive away.

But a few short minutes later the fence was hotwired top and bottom and when I got back from Lowe's both Randi and Earl stopped about two feet before the fence. They won't be going any where any time soon.

They are bad bad dogs.

Infectious Tracheobronchitis

Impound Fees -$160
License Fees -$48
Eau de Pound Cologne -Free
Infectious Tracheobronchitis-Priceless

Randi and Earl got a lot from being in the pound. Most notably, they now have kennel cough. This is when dogs sound like they are going to hack up a lung and may or may not vomit. Lovely. Symptoms include, coughing, difficulty breathing, and depression? Depression? How in the world am I supposed to figure out if Randi and Earl are depressed. Symptoms of depression: Lack of energy-not so much. Decrease in desire to do pleasurable activities-they're still being bad. Sleeping too much, too little, eating too much, too little. Suicide? They did try to kill each other a couple of years ago, but now? Do they need to go on some Cymbalta? Substance Abuse. What if Earl's pot smoking is just masking his depression and making it worse? This is just complicated.

What are you supposed to do for a dog with kennel cough? Well watch them, in case their symptons get worse. What if Randi and Earl start dressing goth and reading vampire books. Also, I'm supposed to not let them exercise and I should have enforced periods of inactivity. I'll need some help with that one. Am I supposed to freaking chain them down? I tried that and they tried to kill each other!

Randi's violent sneezing could be related to the fact that she could have something stuck in her nose, like a foxtail. A foxtail. Right. I bet they'd find a bobbin case, or an eraser or a bug or some equally dumb thing that she snorted up for fun. Or it could be allergies. In which case I could give her benedryl which would knock her out and help with the forced inactivity.

Luckily kennel cough is not contagious for humans, and the Eau de Pound cologne washed out fairly easily. Freaking Randi and Earl.

Randi and Earl spend the afternoon incarcerated

Today Randi and Earl took the final steps of being bad and got themselves arrested. Last night, after dark, they decided to take a bit of an after dinner adventure and wiggled out through a spot in the fence so that they could run up and down the access road. It was great fun. So much fun that after the neighbor helped me get them back and after a full night's sleep they decided to do it again. Only this time, it was light of day and the neighbors weren't having it. Sometime before I arrived home, Randi and Earl got picked up by Animal Control. Of course they didn't have tags--those had come off in a previous wrestling match. Randi was lucky she had her collar because she had lost it yesterday in the yard. In his escape from Alcatraz today, Earl lost his collar. And so, when I arrived home and found only puppy Clark and Sarah in the yard, I calmly called Animal Control who said, what kind of dogs? And I said, dumb. Two big dumb dopey dogs. The lady said, oh, yeah, Randi and Earl. Bail was set at $208 because they were a flight risk. Apparently being incarcerated was exhilarating because as soon as we got home, and as Josh and I were trying to hot wire the bottom part of the fence, Randi and Earl tried to make a break for it again. But lucky for me, even Randi wasn't willing to risk it once the fence was electrified.

Freaking Randi and Earl.

The End of an Era

Oftentimes Sarah and I have this conversation, "Sarah, do you remember when we lived in Fresno?" We did. Sarah lived with Erinn and they would come and illegally visit me in my apartment. Sarah was a sprite little thing and if you tapped your chest she would spring up into your arms. She lived with some cats and a guy named creepy Jose. He was creepy and weird.

Now the only thing Sarah springs for is rolling over. I don't know how old she is. She's been with me ten years and Erinn thought she was six when she left her. Sarah refuses to say. But she used to be quite the little houdini and so I had to chicken wire the entire bottom of the fence because she would dig out. Now, as I'm removing my newly sprung "grass" in the back I've also decided to take down the chicken wire. I think I could leave the entire gate open and Sarah would just sit there. She's too old to think about digging out now.

However, her love of men has not changed. Once there's a guy over at the house, I don't exist. I'm sure she's just waiting for a man and once she gets one she'll feel like she has finally lived.

The Benefits of Yoga

Everyone takes a moment out of his or her busy day of mischief to do yoga.
Above: Earl in downdog.
Above: Earl takes a moment to unwind in mountain pose before beginning sun salutations.

My pack, er, family

The Pack and I have come up with a plan so that I don't have to work anymore. Step one of the plan is to get social security numbers for everyone in the pack. Step two, collect food stamps and social security. The Pack, er family and I know that there are some obvious concerns with this plan, mainly what if someone comes to check on my "kids." Not a problem because we will borrow some. There's some kids next door I'm sure I could borrow for the afternoon. We think it's a good plan. Randi and Earl are already practicing their signatures for their social security cards.

Slumber Party II

Emmah, unsure how to react in her new environment, decides camouflage is the best option.