Pre and Post Prom

My pre-prom preparations yesterday inlcuding bike riding, bullshitting with my bike boyfriends, getting the rototiller and trip to the Apple Valley Wal-Mart*. Going to the Apple Valley Wal-Mart is a morale booster, like going to the Stater Bros by my house. Compared to the average patron I've got my shit together. I've got a job. I don't have to shop on the first or fifteenth of the month. My clothes (mostly) match. I don't have to leave my 40 outside; nor am I purchasing a 40 inside. Yesterday at Wal-Mart there was a guy collecting signatures. I never sign petitions and sure as heck am not going to sign a petition by a guy with a home made sign outside of Wal-Mart in Apple Valley. I want my signature getters to have real signs. So when he asked me if I was a registered voter, I said no. (I am, of course.) And then he asked me if I wanted to be and on the fly, using my rapier wit and intelligence I responded I can't because I'm not a citizen. He asked where I was from and I said, France. He looked surprised, You don't strike me as being French. I shrugged my shoulder, but had my rapier wit not been depleted I would have responded, why because I'm not wearing a stripped shirt and a beret? I am now going to always be French for these people because it also will be a small protest. How does he know I'm not?

Prom was fine. The bus ride was fine. I read my book. There was a brief moment where I suspected some sexual activity going on in the seat behind me. And I had to keep turning around. Then an even more awkward when the couple asked me for some kleenex. I was grossed out for several minutes, but I figured if they're freaky enough to be getting it on in the seat right behind the chaperone in plain sight of everyone else then there was nothing I could do to save these two young adults. We did not find an contraband alcohol. We busted up couples getting too freaky on the dance floor. We chaperones danced up a storm for a few songs. I like dancing, but always feel a bit awkward dancing at prom; the key is to just look as stupid as possible so the kids know you are being stupid and won't think you can't dance. I got a perfunctory lap dance from Ms. Angel- an overt attempt to get me to put out, but I was not going to be swayed by peer pressure. The ride home, well, my bus got to leave. But then they realized that they were missing two kids. Calls all around, do you have extra kids on your bus? No. Count them again. Lights on. I was afraid of what I might find going on in the back of the bus, but those kids were passed out. Turns out, after an hour of searching, worrying, controlled panic, the mom had already come and picked the kids up, but didn't tell anyone. So 100 kids were over an hour late getting back because mom didn't mention she picked up her kids, as if we wouldn't notice. As if this is fine. Inconsiderate bastards.

I'm currently waiting for Randi and Earl to make me breakfast for mother's day.

Randi looking out our new screen door!

*Going to Wal-Mart in Victorville can be taking your life in your hands. Whenever I go, I call my sister and say, "I'm going to Wal-Mart in Victorville, so if I don't call in an hour I've been shot up."

Oh Thank God

Again, take the time to read the comments attached to the article.

Tonight, AVHS presents Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Still not taking my pot smoking dog as my date, though he might enjoy the play.

Media Matters!

Most be some craziness going on in the news centers in Los Angeles, what with the worst oil spil ever, Nashville under water and some kids not getting some prom tickets. You can see what Fox News LA had to report here. It's all pretty awesome. What I learned today. The kid in the video saying how sad he is- has his ticket. One of the girls in the picture from the Daily Press "wasn't going to go anyways." I guess the news vans were parked outside the school until it got out and then followed the kids to Jack in the Box, where all the high caliber students hang out before they get into fights. Can't wait to see tonight's news.

Next week we're expecting our $5,000 grant package from Lowes' to arrive complete with a media package to promote the fact that we were awarded a $5,000 grant from Lowes'. I'll expect Channel 11 to come back to report on that.

Prom

This weekend I am going to prom. I like going to prom-you get to see all of the girls dressed up, you get to hunt for contraband alcohol and search kids, you get to make kids stop dancing freaky on the dance floor. It's fun. This year our prom is embroiled in scandal. You can read the article from the Daily Press here. If you're going to bother to read the article, take the time to read the comments because that's really the crème de la crème of the High Desert there. That is my dating pool. The article doesn't mention that for a 24 hour period this week I was not chaperoning prom because they were going to use that spot for a student and I, for a 24 hour period, was pretty excited about getting out of prom. But then Ms. Angel called and asked if I'd be her date because they needed more chaperones and I said, yes, but don't think that just because you waited until the last minute to ask me that I'm going to put out. Ms. Angel said that was unfortunate because that was why she asked me. Putting out at prom is so 90210.

I never have a date for prom and always have to check the "I will chaperone prom" box and not the "I will chaperone prom with my significant other" box on the prom chaperone form. I briefly considered taking my pot smoking dog Earl as my date, but he has done two things this week to make me not happy. First, he knocked me over on Monday and I fell onto the dead stump of a tree in the back yard. Earl, well, he's not so graceful and when he jumps he has this look on his face like "What the hell is going on here?" It happened in slow motion. He was up on the cement; I was on the dirt and he jumped up and landed on my chest causing me to fall over onto the stump. Luckily I did not break a nail. Then last night I made bread. I was damn excited about my bread. This morning I laid in bed thinking "Am I going to have a sandwich? Just bread? Bread for breakfast? Bread for lunch?" And so when I got up, I took the bread out of the bread maker and put it on the counter. Then I took a shower. When I got out Earl had taken the loaf of bread off of the counter and Sarah was gnawing on it in the living room. At first I didn't know what it was because I didn't have my glasses on and I thought she might be gnawing on a dead animal. But no, it was my loaf of bread. I wanted to cry. I considered cutting off the parts that hadn't been knibbled, but Earl did a good job of slobbering over every part and I didn't want my bread so bad I was going to eat Earl's slobbered on seconds. So I threw it in the trash and yelled, "NOBODY GETS BREAD NOW!"

Recycling

Effective immediately the Saratoga Animal Shelter will no longer be separating its beer bottles (numerous), wine bottles (quite numerous), plastics and paper since such separating, plus the guilt of not separating and the procrastinating of taking said separated recyclables to the recycling center resulted in a MEASLY $1.39. Henceforth the Saratoga Animal Shelter will be a recycling sloth and throw everything into the blue recycle bin. In fact the Saratoga Animal Shelter will be relocating the blue recycle bin to the patio, so that all the Shelter has to do is open the back door and throw mixed recyclables into the blue recycling bin and will thus reduce the number of recycling bins on the patio from five to one.

Omlettes and Crack for Birds

My curiosity got the better of me and I cooked up a mini-omlette for an appetizer despite the fact that it did not fit in with my taco salad menu. I ended up scrambling the eggs in the pan. Observations: duck eggs have barely any egg white and the yellow is thick like a custard. They tasted a bit more 'farmy' than chicken eggs, but overall tasty. I just used some salt. Next time: quiche!

The last time I purchased duck food I did so at Wal-Mart because I did not want to have to go to two different places to feed the animal shelter. I do not know what is in the Wal-Mart poultry mix, but it is crack for birds because as soon as I put some out the finches swarm in and have a party flicking food around until it is all gone. And it will be all gone in a matter of hours. I had been filling up a large coffee can and putting that much food out, but since the finches don't have any self control I'm going to have to dole it out in smaller portions. They ate TWO tubs full of food since yesterday. Maybe they'll become so big they'll start eating mice. I got a new sprinkler head today and EDub and PDub stood in the grass under the sprinkler, their heads tilted for 10 minutes while they figured out what was going on. They they took a swim. They are awesome.

I don't know what the Pack did while I was in Palm Springs, but they have been very tired. Maybe they poisoned themselves on Stan's, the goo you put in your tubeless tires to seal them, because I found the bottle in the yard and Stan's all over the place. I guess the dogs won't leak if they get poked with a goat head.

Again with the Dead Things

100% of the times I have time back from Palm Springs there has been a dead animal in the yard. Today, it was a bird, dead, drowned in the duck pool. I followed proper dead animal protocol and screamed and then got the pool leaf skimmer and skimmed it out, all the while screaming.

Only one conclusion can be drawn: I do not need to be going to Palm Springs for any reason. Or if I do go, I should not return.

All other animals were fine and I had one egg to collect. Next to the golf ball.