A la boucherie

This weekend I went to San Jose for the Language Teachers Conference. It's by far my favorite conference. I learned about the new French Language and Culture AP Exam. I gave a workshop on Google Docs and Interactive Notebooks-which are both in my top five favorite teaching tools ever. The whole getting to the conference was stressful. First, there's a lot of work to do. Second, several people around me at work are doing this HGC diet and are, well, hungry and sometimes, a bit irritable. Tuesday I hit the "I can't work any more wall" and cried. My back hurt. My feet hurt. Pete told me I probably need to work on my anger because I'm still mad that the lab didn't actually do the test to find out if I'm a fat old man and the doctor's office took a month to get back to me on it. So despite the fact that they told me my levels were fine and I was most likely not a fat old man; nobody actually knows sweet fuck-all. (That's the anger talking.)

So enter me into the Hyatt Santa Clara at 7:00pm. Enter me into the largest sea of men I have ever seen. While I waited for my colleague to check us in, I stood, mouth agape, double checking that my stressed out and fatigues eyes were not playing tricks on me and that indeed the lobby, bar and open conference rooms were filled with men. I had walked straight into Sausage Fest 2011. It was the B12 energy shot my overworked body needed. I had two immediate thoughts: 1. How quick could I sidle up to the bar and get some liquor in me and take advantage of the situation? and 2. Thank God I had chosen the padded push up bra.

My elation and giddiness nearly overwhelmed me when I realized that some of these men were at Sausage Fest 2011 for the Johns Hopkins Arthritis Conference. My thoughts then turned less to romance and more to getting my back fixed. I did due diligence and downed a few gin and tonics in the hopes that I could get myself to talk to someone. But as most everyone knows, I talk a lot of shit, but I'm not so good at sidling up to the bar and starting conversation and my colleagues still hadn't even noticed we were at Sausage Fest 2011 (nor were they the type of colleagues who would have appreciated me using the expression Sausage Fest 2011.) So I remained an observer at festival. Friday the Sausage changed from the Johns Hopkins to the Custom Chrome Harley Davidson variety. Despite the lack of direct interaction with the men; overall it was a successful conference.

When I got home, Mischief had only been mildly active and only found and redistributed a few hangers in the backyard. And either someone didn't make it in time to the duck house or someone got expelled from the duck house. I'm investigating the situation.

Anticipointed

Yesterday Jessica, Sara and I left the sand and sage brush for Los Angeles County. We had two goals. Or, Jessica had a goal and I was on a mission and Sara went along for the ride. Jessica wanted to go to the Quilt and Craft show at the LA County Fairgrounds and I wanted to take advantage of the fact that we were going to LA County to get my LA County Public Library card.

I have been pretty excited about getting my LA County Public library card ever since Married Ladies Book Club when Sabrina said that the LA County Public Library has lots of eBooks. I checked as soon as I got home and sure enough, they pretty much have every Jack Reacher novel available as an eBook and the LA County Public Library card is available to permanent or temporary residents of California. I have been telling everyone about this development, but pretty much I'm the only one who has shown the appropriate amount of enthusiasm for the topic. Last week I was going to go to Little Rock (CA, not Arkansas) to the LA County Library there, but I had too much work to do. So I jumped at the chance to take the field trip to the LA County Fairgrounds. I told Jessica, I will go only if these conditions are met: 1. We stop at Total Wine because I am near about out of wine and 2. We go to the LA County Library, so I can get my library card. She agreed. I've had my library card application in my purse since Thursday because Friday I had to go to a workshop with the principal in Downey and I was cautiously optimistic that our conversation would go like this:

Me: So...we can get a LA County Library card and get eBooks.
Him: Well, let's stop on in while we're down here!

All this would have made the Best Weekend Ever, if only I hadn't taken my wallet out of my damn purse to pre-fill out my library card application and then hadn't forgot to put it back in, so when Sara, Jessica and I stopped for lunch I realized that I was sans wallet and therefore sans driver's license and would not only not need a lunch sponsor, I would be unable to get my library card!

Guinness Book

I got home today before it was dark and found what has to be the largest tumbleweed ever in my front yard. It's so big, I don't even think I wrestle it in the dumpster until the dumpster gets picked up tomorrow.

Mythical Creatures

Sooooo, a couple of weeks ago I used my free couple of months of Showtime to watch the first in the Twilight Saga. Before watching I knew the following about the story:

• Besides Harry Potter this is the most read series of books by high school kids.
• Taylor Lautner takes his shirt off, but anyone older than 20 is a borderline child molester for thinking he looks hot. And he was also the star, two years in a row, of "Imparfait: The Powerpoint" a glorious teaching tool in which I choose whichever celebrity the girls think is the hotest and tell what he was like as a 'child' which includes him eating dog food, having rocks as friends and being quite ugly.
• There are vampires and werewolves.
• You are either on Team Jacob or Team Edward.

Well, today the Pack and I watched New Moon. And I didn't get it. Then I got it and then I got weirded out by Jacob's wig. Then he cut his hair and took off his shirt and I tried really, really hard not to notice that he spent the rest of the film pretty much shirtless. And then Randi tried to jump at the werewolves and I had to throw her out. Yeah, sure, I don't get why with all of the special effects they couldn't have gotten Jacob a better wig because it was horrific. Sure, I thought, geez, how can these kids spend so much time not kissing?? But mostly, I think I get it. I mean, what girl doesn't want two guys fighting over her and saying ridiculous things like, "The only thing that can hurt me is you."? You know what my version of this story is? A mythic creature that comes to life and starts to fix things around my house versus a mythic creature who spends all of his time cleaning up my yard. Both of who say ridiculous things to me in a raspy sexy voice like, "While you were at work, I fixed the garage door opener and the door will shut now," while the other one (wearing only board shorts) one ups him with, "I filled in all of the holes the dogs dug and poured you a concrete patio." Don't think I wouldn't spend a lot of time not kissing those guys. Because I would.

Sun After Dark eBook Review

This is going to be a brief review because I didn't finished the book, but I think I'm done with it. Pico Iyer is a travel writer and this is a collection of some of his travel writing. He visits the Dalai Lama. He visits Tibet. He goes on a field trip to a Bolivian prison and then is surprised when he barely gets out with his life. I found this passage particularly insightful

The traveler, if he comes from a place of comfort, travels, in part, to be stood on his head; to lose track of tenses, or at least to be back to essentials, free of the details of home...he has traveled to look at himself (and his world) through the eyes of the local, for whom the real source of comedy and strangeness is that newcomer, walking the wrong way down the street.

Other than that, eh. I think in general I would rather travel than read travel logs.

It Was the Best of Times and the Worst of Times

By far this week was the Worst and Best of times in Education. The Worst, obviously, was the four days of bureaucracy and paperwork that was Sunday through Wednesday. The Best was Thursday when I took a group of students to the Huntington Library. We went because in Français Avancé we studied the Gutenberg Bible and I wanted them to see it. The Best because we left at noon and had no traffic and I had a gin and tonic in my hand at 6:45pm. I can't think of the last day in education that was more pleasurable. The students in my group had the good manners to pretend that they were enthralled when they saw the Bible and then proceeded to be even more genuinely excited by everything we saw. The Huntington Library had the forethought to plan for my field trip and had a science exposition that had all of the Zodiac signs in French and the students in my group were squealing, "Mademoiselle! Look! It's in French! That one's mine!" and frantically taking pictures on their cell phones. After touring the library and art galleries, I had to let my group loose in the gardens because my leg was numb and there was no way I could have continued to shepherd around my little flock.

The only stressful part was when I heard a group of boys speaking French. If the language hadn't given them away, their short pants and fanny packs would have. At that moment my only thought was dear God, do not let one of my girls try to talk to these French bastards because all I could imagine was a Damien*-esque mini-dragueur milking his accented English for all it was worth and then losing one of them while he gave her a private lesson in a secluded spot in the Japanese garden. (Because let me tell you, the Damien-dragueur stress is the main reason I don't take students to France.) Luckily for me, most of the girls were too nervous to try out their French on the "super hot French boys." The ones who did talk to them told me that the one boy showed her his déoderant (was she supposed to be impressed he had some??) and his cahier and she told him, "Oh c'est très moche."

*To be fair to mon cher ami M. le maître de conférence Damien, when he came and talked to my classes he was nothing but appropriate and did not try to get any phone numbers or girls to come home with him. I would like to believe that even M. mon cher ami Damien would draw the line at bringing my students home to my house. Mais on ne sait jamais.

Bauerware

I have been in Delano, CA since Sunday morning for work. Why? I can't tell you. Secret Squirrel Shit, but suffice to say that I will never leave my domestic domicile for the same reason that I went to Delano ever again in my life. I was conjuring the spirit of Jack Reacher 45 minutes into my time there. I had to find my Happy Place and Choose My Attitude. And I only Choose My Attitude when I have been forced into prolonged periods of feeling like punching things in an environment where the expression of those feelings would be highly inappropriate. I will slash tires and punch people in the face before I ever have to do that again. To add insult to injury during my time there, my sister said I can't have her Nook. I'm calling Bullshit on the past four days and am planning on blocking them from my memory. Two more GTs and I'll be there.

Anywhoos. Before I left, and because I knew I would be gone and the last time I was gone Sarah died and then Black Cat was killed, the Pack and I had some serious discussions about behavior. I was very concerned because Saturday it snowed here and Puppy Clark is sans coat because he took it off and Randi and Earl ate it. I made the Big Guy promise that he would come and pick Puppy Clark up and take him to his house if it stayed cold. Then I worried that sans Puppy Clark, Randi and Earl would discover exponential Mischief.

During my departure preparations the Pack decided to pose themselves in the perfect family photo:

(Look at Earl's eyes and tell me that dog isn't high.)

My dad checked in on everyone to make sure that they were still alive and hadn't killed anything and Steffi came by and double checked and gave everyone treats to make sure that they were alive and hadn't killed anyone.

When I got home I immediately noticed that Mischief had found some hangers and decided to redistribute them. And then there was a moment when I couldn't find PDub, mostly because she's dark colored and it was dark and the light on the patio is out. So far no dead animals to report, though Steffi said Mischief chewed up the new bed I bought Puppy Clark so he wouldn't freeze to death, but since it's dark and I can't see it, it's not there.