Moral Compases

Chloe went to get fixed today so she couldn't have any water or food after 8pm last night.  Let me tell you, that was some fucking good times.  I took all the water away and no one understood why.  All night long Clark and Shila paced in the hallway with Shila only taking a break to pee once again on my floor.  At one point I was standing in the living room screaming, "You need to calm the fuck down!  You can't have any water! You're not going to die, but you need to sit the fuck down."  Who were model canine citizens?  Fucking Randi and Earl.  Those two stayed on the bed, quiet as mice all night long.  I think also at one point I may have screamed, "Why can't you just sit the fuck down like Randi and Earl!  Randi and Earl are being good!"  Eventually I threw Shila out in the yard and locked Clark, Chloe, Randi and Earl in the room with me and I got 20 minutes of sleep until Clark was up again.  I was not happy.

Two well behaved dogs, a juvenile and an asshole

Chloe, the St. Bernard puppy weighs 92 lbs which is 30 lbs less than I thought and 8 lbs less than my dad thought.  Of course, getting fixed costs more if they are over 91, so clearly she should have been fasting since earlier this week.  Her surgery went well and it appears that she had indeed not been a filthy whore a month ago.  She is now going to be on her way to getting adopted.  She's a super sweet dog if anyone wants a St. Bernard puppy.

Before I went to pick up the uterous-less St. Bernard puppy, I stopped off at my mom's house.  I hadn't even gotten out of the car, but it was clear by the way that Grandma was wielding the hedge trimmers that Grandpa had not been doing what he was supposed to.  Max and I quickly took refuge in the living room and watched Happy Feet 2 for the bazillionth time.  I also took the time to help Max with his French.

First Real Day

Today was the true test of the Revised Pack's abilities to be left alone and it appears that all went rather smoothly.  The only casualty was Chloe's cottage cheese container which also doubles as her food bowl.  She poked numerous holes it in.  Otherwise everyone is fine.  Or as fine as a group of five dogs can be in my small house.

My Revised Pack

By far the best thing that's happened was Chloe trying to go underneath Earl to get to the back of the room and since she didn't fit, she lifted him onto her back and then picked up him and he eventually fell over.  Comedy.

I have taken on "The Tom's Challenge" where I have decided to eat my way through the entire menu at Tom's where we go for breakfast after exercise.  I've just started and so today I had the #3 Lunch special (bacon burger and fries which I shared with Clark when I got home.)  I've started with lunch since we're walking later so that when summer time comes I can go ahead and have breakfast.  Tom's has quite an extensive menu so I expect this project to take at least two years.  Sara says I'm going to have a couple of good weeks when I get to the fitness menu.  

+2

A very young Puppy Clark and Baby Shila playing

Perhaps because I follow Michelle Bachman on Twitter, I've started to emulate her own brand of craziness combined with a passion for foster care and adoption.  Not sure, but the Saratoga Animal Shelter is now sheltering two more members.  Both are my sister's dogs.  Baby Shila with the big head is my sister's pitbull with a big head.  She's chill.  She and Clark were roomies at the Canine Club Med Apple Valley location, located at my parents' house when I was in France.  The other is my sister's "St. Bernard Puppy" who did not come with a barrel around her neck, but who is about 2,000 pounds and who is not spayed and who may or may not have been a filthy whore about a month ago.

Let me back up.  Wednesday I came home and it was clear that something was wrong with Randi's left ear.  It didn't take a super genius to deduce that the blood on her ear was not normal.  When it was still gross on Thursday I made an appointment for her.  I had to run out of school and run home and get Randi on the leash and try to get her in the car calmly.  She was mostly ok, but Earl escaped and ran amok on the street for three or four minutes until he got afraid he wasn't going to get to go for a ride and I was able to capture him and throw him back in the backyard.  Randi, she doesn't really mind being separated from Earl, but you'd think you were removing Earl's left kidney from the amount of crying he does when Randi is taken away from him.  I am very, very happy to announce that all of Randi's hard work in the weight department has paid off and she lost 2.4 pounds.  Yea Randi!!  The vet said her ear was a gross, yucky mess and smelled very bad so they cleaned it up and sent her home with some cream and antibiotics.  Then I called Pete and Steffi who came to help me get the dogs.

My sister's moving and can't keep her dogs.  I didn't want either one of them to go to the pound so I said that I would take them.  It's been some moments of stress and anxiety.  Was I making the right decision?  Was I going to be able to do this?  Was I insane?  I asked Pete and Steffi to help me because I was afraid that if I brought the "St. Bernard puppy" home and that it did not go well that I would be unable to do control it and I needed some expert dog advice.  So last night me, Pete and Steffi went and got Shila and Chloe, the 2,000lb St. Bernard puppy.

Curious

I don't know why anyone would get a St. Bernard puppy.  I understand why you would want to because I'm sure they're stinking cute when they're little, but anyone with any kind of common sense would realize that a St. Bernard puppy grows up to be a flippin giant.  This dog makes Randi and Earl look like tea cup poodles.  Last night we put Chloe and Shila in the Little Backyard and then one by one introduced Shila to the rest of the pack.  As I expected, it went fine.  Clark was excited to see his old friend and pretty much everyone ignored everyone else.  Steffi suggested we wait until morning to introduce Chloe since she was 2,000lbs and was the wild card in this situation.  This meant that Chloe was outside in the Little Backyard by herself.  She wanted to be inside.  She banged on the door.  She climbed on the table.  Randi and Earl whined at the door.  I took a pain pill and locked me, Clark, Randi, Earl and Shila in my bedroom for the night.

This morning there was some more violent banging on the door and crying until I put one of Randi and Earl's shock collars on the 2,000lb St. Bernard puppy and used that to encourage her to stop.  That was rather effective until the battery ran out on the collar.  Luckily I have two so I can keep one constantly charged.  Around 12:30 Pete came back over and we introduced Chloe to the rest of the Pack, one by one.  It was all rather anti-climatic.  Everyone was fine.  We let them be outside together and then we let them be inside together and then all six of us watched The Real Housewives of Atlanta together calmly, like any normal family.  Clark seems to be the most affected; growling and quivering in the corner most of the time, but who wouldn't when faced with an animal six times your size.  (It's rather reminiscent to how Randi and Earl treated Sarah, only Clark doesn't have Sarah's sunny disposition.)  Shila's been mostly on her own program, doing what she does best: sleeping or making pig sounds to indicate her contentedness.

Making friends

For now Chloe and Shila are going to live in the Little Backyard when I'm not here and everyone else will be in the Big Backyard.  We may try everyone sleeping in the house tonight.  And once Chloe's spayed this week then we'll start looking for a home for her because while she's a very nice, sweet, loving dog I still have some common sense left.

Watching the Real Housewives

4/5 of the new pack

"A St. Bernard Puppy!"

Advent calendar I made for Max.  It's got ornaments in each pocket.

The cleaning lady got all my ducks in a row.

Presents

With Thanksgiving gone, it's now time embrace Christmas with abandon.  I started early on Tuesday by asking my dad, if due to recent events, the amount they were willing to spend on me for Christmas has been increased by 50%.  The response was encouraging.  Excited about my possible Christmas windfall, I put in my order for a Vitamix.  Or really half a Vitamix because I do realize that it is an expensive present to ask for.  Everyone has a Vitamix.  Kristen.  Gretchen.  I don't have a Vitamix because I don't have a husband and I figured I could get the parentals to chip in so I could be cool.  In response to my email, Santa replied that he could pay for the shipping and tax.  Sometimes Santa just likes to be difficult.

Yesterday, on what was supposed to be my rest day, my mother and Max face-timed at 8:00am with a desperate plea.  There was a lot of gesturing towards the door and the word "walk"  and my mother looking exhausted, so I got dressed and drove over to take Max for a walk.  When we got to the desert I let Max out so he could walk.  After being scared by a group of guys on motorcycles  he decided he was more interested in the buckle on the seat.  Hell if I was going to stand in the desert with him playing with a buckle.  It was going to ruin my laptime, so I just pushed the stroller faster and we spent a large chunk of our part in the desert with him running after me whining.  He slept the rest of the way home when we were on the street.  I thought it was pretty dang funny.  But Christ almighty pushing that stroller is hard work, especially in the desert, which is why I am now on a mission to get Santa to purchase us a Bob Stroller so me and Max can walk out in the desert.  I've had this idea for a while and I've been doing due diligence on Craigslist to find one and doing my homework and mostly I've come up with Max would love it.   I have dubbed this "The Gift for Everyone" because I get exercise, Max gets out of the house and my parents get Max out of the house.  When we got back from our walk, I mentioned to Santa that Max thought that this would be a fabulous gift.  It appears there is some work for me to do and involves teaching Max to say "Grandpa, new stroller, please."

(Pictures to come- I've run out of picture space.  WTF?  I need to figure out what I want to do.)

Babysitting

This week has been, once again, quite hectic.  It's a good thing I got a car that I enjoy driving so much with all of the driving I've done.  Thursday I went to a meeting in Riverside where I had to seriously choose my attitude or I would have tossed a table and walked out making an absolute fool of myself.  I did not.  I sat very quiet seething inside and trying not to think that I wasn't in my classroom with kids for that bunch of bullshit.  After, I took myself to lunch at the bar.

Then I drove to San Clemente where I picked up Max, the 19 month old who travels with more luggage than a Real Housewife.  We drove back to the desert with little ado and when we got to my house for our first sleepover with a memory there was a large conversation in which the only words I could make out were "Grandma...back...car" with a large amount of gesturing towards the car.  Luckily Max is pretty easy to put to sleep and was fast asleep within a few moments.  Then I let the Pack in and told them that if they made any noise at all I would shoot them.  (They didn't believe me because I don't have a gun.)

Friday Max accompanied me to school where is was the beau of the ball.  High school is the best place to find a babysitter because there's so many kids.  Every time he walked away from me there were at least five kids fighting over who was going to play with him.  We had a minor hiccup when the Cookie Monster doll we stole from Gretchen's prop room lost his eyes on our way to visit Jessica.  Jenny tried to perform Cookie Monster ocular surgery in the field, but it was unsuccessful and I had to keep Cookie's eyes in my pocket.  Then an even bigger catastrophe befell us when we were returning from looking at the cows- Cookie was abandonèd somewhere between the cows and my room.  I sent five kids out to look for him, but he was lost.  We consoled ourselves with goldfish.  All was not lost because Jessica found him hanging out in the A-6 lost and found and returned him after school.  It was a mostly fabulous day because Max was so happy, though 6th period he was starting to lose it alternately walking up to kids and screaming and laying on the floor saying, "nite-nite?"  We came home as soon as we could and he was asleep before I even shut the door.

Then began the slow decline of the evening.  His father came and swung him around and he threw up.  Then he threw up again in the bedroom and his father insisted he have a bottle.  Then his father left and me and Jessica and Sara were allowed to continue our evening when Max spewed forth an amount of baby barf that was truly impressive for such a little person.  I quickly picked up the baby barf volcano and put him in the bath and Sara, in a sign of true, true friendship, cleaned up and Jessica swiffered.

"Baby barf- still a fan of the condom" Sara, Friday evening

We got the baby sleep fairly easily, but our day started again at 5 am when he woke up cranky and whiney and it stayed that way all day.  He didn't even enjoy meeting Randi and Earl.  (Possibly because Earl tried to lick off his ear.)  Mostly Randi and Earl were like what the fuck is that?? The morning continued fantastically with another episode of barfing and another  impromptu bath and then a monster nap in which I tried to catch up on some tv.  Yes, there were tons of other things I could have been doing:  paying bills, seeing about refinancing, blogging, reading, but I thought fuck it.  This is my first day of vacation and I'm going to lay here and watch TV.  Once Max woke up, I could only stand about an hour before I packed up all of his stuff to take him back to my mom's thinking maybe he was just tired of me and would want to play on his slide until my parents came home.  My mom and dad were already home and he tried to act like I hadn't fed or given him anything to drink at all.  Then he proceeded to be cranky and whiney with them.

When I finally got home I took a bath with Max's bath toys.

Not even everything because I had picked up a bag the day before

breakfast and grading

doing laundry with the cleaning lady

Photo that proves we were FINE

Hiking

Today Bill, Sara and I took the my new super car to Joshua Tree National Park for some hiking.  We had decided on this plan yesterday on our walk.  Since I now have a super fuel economy vehicle our travelling option have opened up.  I'll drive anywhere.  This was actually the first time anyone other than Max had ridden in the back and Bill reported that it was fabulous and that he was shortly going to be purchasing his own Camry because he wants to be me.  We spent much time making fun of each other because, well, that's what we do.

Sara and I have a year pass to Joshua Tree because that's the kind of gals we are.  We both took along our chapstick in case we saw some marines.  When Bill and I hiked San Jacinto in 2007 we saw marines.  It was undoubtedly the best moment of the hike.  There were so many of them.  You never know when you're going to run into a pack of marines.

In any case today's hike was sans marines, but avec a tarantula.  Sara screamed and I started to panic thinking it was a snake because we were in a canyon and one time I saw the biggest snake I have ever seen in a canyon, but turns out it was just a tarantula.  He did not try to eat us, but Sara was nearly in tears.  This was the second tarantula me and Sara had seen in a week because last week we saw one when we were walking.  I'm not a fan of the tarantula, but I find them much less scary than the snake which should be banned from Earth.

We knew we couldn't do the whole out and back trail so we set the timer for 1.5 hours at which time we dutifully turned around and then missed the trail and then had to scramble over some rocks and then we decided to "backtrack" where we found where we had gone wrong and where the trail had been clearly marked for people who were actually paying attention.

They couldn't have made it more obvious if they'd said, "This way morons."

Then we came home, spending a fair amount of time making fun of each other because that is what we do.  And despite scrambling over rocks I feel pretty damn good, which is fabulous because tomorrow I have to go to jury duty in fucking Barstow.  Barstow!!  I'm so annoyed, but I have these things going for me:  1)  I still know way more than the average juror about voir dire because of my participation in the "How to Pick a Winning Jury" powerpoint (fuck, I still have the powerpoint and maybe I could offer it to the lawyers in case they weren't able to attend the state bar conference  2) my dad knows everyone in Barstow because he worked there from the beginning of time until he retired.