1. Shila learned how to open the door with her nose, allowing her to exit the house at will to bark at nothing. It's been fabulous.
2. Max loves the Tour de France!! I know it's an exciting race. You know it's an exciting race and now so does Max. It's got bicycles and people and sometimes choo-choos. We were watching and he said, "Oh no! Fall down" because there was a big crash. Best day ever.
First, I set up the smoker I got from my dad and on Tuesday I set about smoking a brisket. Tuesday was by far the most epic day of the week because I got up at 4:30am, put the brisket on at 5:00am, dicked around on the computer, went to Home Depot at 6:55am, purchased new patio furniture, and returned home to prepare for my bike ride. Yes, you read it correctly, a bike ride. I had arranged to catch Bill and Friends on the last part of their ride to Tom's Restaurant. Bill was going to call around 9:00am, but I didn't want to have to rush getting my stuff together, so I had everything ready at 7:30am. Helmet- check. Water botel- check. Shorts with chamois- not so much check. It should have been about 8 miles which would have been the longest ride since my surgery. My dad was going to pick me up and take me to Home Depot to pick up my new patio furniture since it wouldn't fit in my car. However, when I arrived at Tom's and called the Big Guy, I discovered that he had not been at the eye doctor like he had said, but at the urgent care where he found out he has a hairline fracture on one of his left ribs as a result of dumpster diving in his own trash can. Because of this injury, the Big Guy was unable to come get me and rather than ride to Sara's house down the street I decided that I could just ride my bike home. I did. I made it, but I think most runners run faster than I was pedaling at the end and holy mother did my butt hurt. My back didn't hurt at all, but my ass. Yikes. There's a reason you're supposed to work up to a two hour bike ride. The brisket was freaking fantastic. I served it with yellow squash casserole. Everything at the Saratoga Animal Shelter is being served with a side of yellow squash because I have a lot of yellow squash. In about a week everything is going to be served with a side of yellow squash and eggplant because in a week I'll be having a lot of that as well.
This week was also epic because Max scared a little girl at gymnastics. He didn't do it on purpose, but they both went in this tent they're supposed to crawl through and he went in one side and she went in the other and while he thought this had been great fun, she did not so we had to learn how to say, "I'm sorry for scaring you" which he says about as well as "thank you." I also spent some quality time watching "Ah les crocodiles" with Max because I think it's important that he be able to say crocodile in French. On the second day of watching it, he told me, "Crocodile walking." I was mostly concerned whether or not there were actual crocodiles in the Nile river and why an éléphant would be the mortal enemy of a crocodile or why they don't talk about the crocodiles any more after they go off to war. Seems rather harsh. We had to watch les crocodiles on Youtube after we discovered that TV5.org was no longer offering "Les bêtes" as a catégorie on the videos on their mobile app and which used to feature prominently a crocodile in the opening sequence. A discovery that was disappointing to all concerned parties.
Max also learned the sound that a snake makes. What was actually funnier was his reaction when he saw the spider in the book, but I didn't have my camera nearby for that.
I anticipate that next week Max and I will have an epic battle around 5:00pm about whether or not we should watch some stupid Thomas the Train episode or the Tour de France. I fully expect there to be tears and whining and then for my parents to side with him. I am prepared, though, to fight this worthy fight because it is the freaking Tour de France which is EPIC and AWESOME and not some stupid movie about really useful trains which is flipping boring.
Shila and I have settled into a nightly routine. It goes like this: I feed her and Clark outside and then she starts to bark at nothing. I go out and get her and bring her in. Then we have a variation on this conversation:
Me: No. You're not going outside. You just bark at nothing.
Shila:
Me: No. You. Are. Not. Going. Outside. If you want to go then figure out how to open the door with your nose.
Shila:
Me: Seriously, go lay down. You'll just bark at nothing and I can't stand it.
Then we repeat from the beginning, sometimes with Shila doing the Shuffle Dance of Impatience until I get up to get ready for bed and let her outside to use the facilities and she barks at nothing and I have to go get her.
I've taken two mini-trips this past week. First, Sara and I went to Utah. I freaking love Utah. I don't necessarily want to live in Utah, but I love to visit there. Sara spent some quality time thinking over if she would consider becoming a sister wife. I spent zero time contemplating that since it didn't seem like a very viable option. Jessica came and took care of the dogs during the day and the cats at night. I had everyone do a trial run of being good and apparently Randi did this too well because she hid from Jessica which is not normally how Randi operates.
Vacation started out sucking because my last contact ripped and I had to cancel my eye doctor appointment last week so I could be at my parents' for the Max handoff while they were out conducting official important business. When I called the office said, "No we don't have a sample and no we can't give you another box and no there are no sooner appointments." Frustrated, I had to get out my prescription sunglasses from several years ago and which don't stay on my face all that well.
Our first stop in Utah was Hurricane where we stayed for one night before heading to Zion. In Zion we planned on doing a couple of easy to moderate hikes. We did not, at any time, plan on doing Angel's Landing because that is for people who don't believe in gravity. In the morning we tooled around and then after lunch we went out for an "easy" hike to Emerald Pools. Easy my ass. That thing was freaking hard and it was hot and I didn't take the hiking pole and because my prescription sunglasses are old my depth perception is off with them, so I thought I knew how far the steps were down, but turns out I didn't. After that hike, Sara and I were spent so we packed up our gear and drove to Panguich where we were going to be staying.
Panguich is a great little town and our hotel was even greater because it had chairs so we could sit out on the balcony and act like the old guys on the Muppets. Friday night we even had the added bonus of having actual French people staying next to us! I went outside and made friends, proving to myself that I can, actually, still speak actual French and not just French I because sometimes I'm not so sure.
Saturday we went to Bryce where we got lost a bunch of times (my fault) and then back to Panguich for a fabulous night on the town until 7:00. There were no actual French people that night to chit chat with, so I just had to make due talking English with Sara.
Sunday morning we headed off to Red Canyon, which in my opinion is a hidden jewel of Southern Utah. Nobody was on the trail and it was perfect. Not too hard, not too easy and so very gorgeous. After that we got on the road where we remained stuck in Vegas traffic until about 7:00.
Yesterday Sara, Jessica and I went to Buelton to get Jessica's new car. Jessica bought the car in Colorado, but the dealer found a similar one here so we had to pick it up here. Sara and I spent some quality time wine tasting last night and then we drove home this morning so that I could be back in time to go to gymnastics with Max.
I think that's all my trips for the whole summer.
Zion
Zion
An insect
Red Canyon
Bryce
A squirrel
Bryce
A tree that looks like a fish
View from Red Canyon Trail
Red Canyon
Sometimes Shila moves her bed and in this instance blocked off the sewing room from entry by any other canines who stayed in the hallway crying for at least five minutes.
Yesterday Sara and I did the San Diego 1/2 Marathon. Don't get all crazy thinking we ran it. We walked it. There was a four hour time limit to complete it and from the beginning I was worried about that. I knew I could do the 13.1 miles, but I wasn't sure I could it in under four hours since speed has never been my strength. I knew I would be successful if I could do it in under four hours. Pre-back re-injury I was walking 16 minute miles. Then after my week off of work I felt lucky to walk a 18:30 minute mile. I was sure I was going to get picked up by the SAG wagon. I had a plan. I was going to walk 7-8 miles then do the rest in a van. I sure was surprisèd to realize that I would actually complete it yesterday. There may have been some tears when I crossed the finish line. AND I did it in 3:50! Less than four hours!! Yea me. Sara was 16 minutes ahead of me. We're awesome.
Today I have done nothing except for lay around. Because yesterday I did a 1/2 marathon and I'm freaking sore. My hips hurt. My knees hurt. My eyes hurt.
In other news:
I'm on vacation!! My plan is to walk, read, sit by my pool (once it gets cleaned), dick around on the computer and probably try to get some small things done. I'm reluctant to go crazy with a shovel or rake in case I hurt myself so I'm taking it easy in regards to the yard/house work.
Somebody is sneaking Randi food because according to Ol' Roy can, she should be eating three cans of dog food a day. And all she is getting is gravy from the can and a cup and 1/2 of dog food. How is she getting fat? Is she getting pizza delivery every day? Je ne comprends pas.
At the start line. We were in the very, very, very, very, very back of the slow group.
The Geriatrics are driving me damn insane. I'm trying not to be too annoyed by their antics because they are Geriatrics, but I'm having difficulties.
First, the Geriatrics have to get up every two or three hours in the middle of the night to go outside. Last night we were up at 10:30, 1:30 and 4:30 exactly. I should be very happy that the Geriatrics are still cognizant enough to realize that they need to go outside and still have the where-with-all to pace in the hallway making clickity clack sounds until I wake, but the Geriatrics still have to get up every two hours to go outside in the middle of the night. Most of the time the Geriatrics get lost, or distracted, or decide to bark at nothing while they are outside in the middle of the night. It's so bad that when I let them out, I lay down on the couch and take a mini-nap while I wait for them to finish their business. Last night, Shila was so distracted or lost that I had to go out and get here twice. Going to get her consists of getting the flashlight, then walking on the desk, then flashing the flashlight at her and screaming in a whisper, "Shila! Shila! Let's go! Get. In. Side." You might ask why I don't just leave them outside. I don't leave them outside because if I do, then they just bark at nothing which makes me want to shoot myself with the guns I don't have in my gun closet.
Second, the Geriatrics have some issues falling off the bed. Well, Shila doesn't actually get on the bed, but she's had some issues with thinking that she can sleep in my room, so while I'm grabbing Clark by his collar to keep him from walking off the side of the bed, I'm also screaming, "Shila! Get. UP. And. Go. In. The. Other. Room. Shila!"
Today I called the vet to make an appointment for Clark who has the longest toenails known to man and the lady said that Randi was due for an exam. I said, "No. She's fine. She doesn't need to come in. They're just going to say she needs to lose weight and we're trying! We're trying dammit!"
This morning Randi and Earl were harassed by two crows. I was rearranging my Pinterest boards when I heard an inordinate amount of crow squawking and so I left my boards and exited the building to investigate. The squawking was so intense that I was sure my backyard had been transformed into Farmer McCall's farm and that Thomas the Train was going to show up to shoo away all of the crows like he does in Thomas' Muddy Matters DVD. Alas, my backyard had not been transformed and what I did see was Randi staring curiously up into the pine tree where two crows were very busy squawking and throwing sticks down at Randi. The two were viciously ripping apart my pine tree and then tossing the sticks and needles onto Randi's head. She didn't care and neither did I because I hate the pine tree. During this time Earl paced anxiously a bit farther away. I was just about to go inside when the crows took off and it was immediately apparent that one of the crows was injured and because of his injury was unable to fly very high off the ground. You can imagine how Randi and Earl felt about that. The crow managed to get himself up onto the electric wire behind the house, but then swooped down again; this time so close I lost my breath and Earl got so scared he ran into the house to hide.
One time Clark and Sarah attacked a crow in the Little Backyard and maimed it. Clark had crow feathers in his mouth. It happened so fast I can't even say how it happened. I do know that the crow couldn't fly away and was unresponsive to any of the options I tried to provide it. (I mostly tried to get it to hop on a shovel so I could put it in the front yard.) I called my dad and when I told him that there was a maimed crow in the backyard he said, "Ok. Here's what you need to do. You need to get a shovel. And then hit it over the head and kill it." I don't remember exactly how I responded to that solution, but I'm pretty sure it involved screaming. In the end I just left the crow in the backyard; his crow cronies were circling around and making me nervous and I had to be somewhere. A couple of days later the neighbors called animal control when the crow managed to get into their yard. If I'd known that was an option I would have done that myself.
This morning's crow harassment was all after Earl pulled a dirty, dirty move this morning. He got up off the rug, cried at the door and so I got myself up out of bed and opened the door for him. When I got back to my room he had swooped in on my spot on the bed. Trickery. And I fell for it.
Wednesday after gymnastics me, my dad and Max took the cart out to see the pigs before they went off to the fair this weekend. There may have been some disappointment because there were no cows, but to be fair every time some screamed "moo- cow" I responded with, "No moo-cows; just hamburger now." The entire way back from gymnastics was filled with "Moo-cow! Grandpa. Pig! Grandpa. Oink. Oink. Grandpa! Grandpa. Pig. Moo-cow." We also saw some chickens and sheep, but the best part was the pig on a diet. I think it's safe to say your weight is out of control if you're a pig on a diet.
It has come to the Shelter's attention that certain members are spending too much time inside. Therefore, during the shelter director's convalescence all members will be required to participate in Mandatory Outside Time sometimes refereed to as Mandatory Alone Time in an effort to balance domestic bliss. Mandatory Outside Time will start at the director's discretion and will be of variable lengths. A reminder that Mandatory Outside Time is mandatory and all members must participate at the same time. If you have any questions, please see your union rep.
