Dreams

My dreams last night were littered with crazy quilt pieces.

EDub tried to nibble on my toes this morning. I've created a monster by feeding her bread when I go outside. Luckily ducks do not have teeth.

The Fruit of My Labor

The Inspiration:

My quilt was meant to be all purple, obviously, so it matched my room.

The Reality:Finally, I've finished my quilt and put it on my bed. I gathered purple fabrics from every quilter I knew and cut out all the pieces LAST YEAR. It's actually much more purple than this picture shows. This is by far the most involved quilt I've ever done and have resolved to never do quilts with more than 6 pieces per block. And in piecing it last week I watched the entire first season of Leverage (fantastic!) and the entire first season of The Mentalist (equally fantastic!!.) And one half ofa season 3 of My Name Is Earl and at least 3 soccer matches. Not gonna lie, I'm not sure I can sleep near it. It's kinda some craziness. Old lady craziness. I'm going to try it tonight, but I don't need to have any more weird dreams. (Last night I dreamed I was going to go on a date with Patrick Jane, Simon Baker's cutie character on The Mentalist. He was riding a bicycle.) Even Randi and Earl are skeptical. I think it might make a very nice picnic quilt. Should I ever go on a picnic. Ever. It's ok, because I already have the pattern for this quilt, which would, of course be in purple and I think matches me and my room much better. And me and my momma are going to the fabric store this weekend. (Yes, the mattress is just on the floor. I couldn't make a decision about a bed so I said, screw it and just put the mattresses on the floor.)

FINALLY!!
I had to trick her. And it took a week.

My date:
He's not even remotely my type, but I do like the suit.

Bird Found Dead

Apple Valley-CA

A warning has been issued to all animals living in and around the Saratoga Animal Shelter of Apple Valley. At approximately 10:15 am Tuesday morning a small finch was found dead next to the water fowl water attraction in the Saratoga Animal Shelter Little Backyard. The exact circumstances of its death are under investigation. A hawk was recently seen in the vicinity, but has not yet been brought in for questioning. There are two possible eye-witnesses to aviaricide, but they have refused to divulge anything useful about anything they may have seen. Authorities do not consider the witnesses possible suspects and they were released shortly after questioning. Invesitagtors are looking into possible mob connections to the Backyard, as this is the latest in a recent crime wave. All birds, mice and animals are urged to proceed with caution. Do not travel alone, do not enter the Saratoga Animal Shelter at night and be aware of your surroundings. Anyone with information about the finch should contact the Saratoga Animal Shelter.

Rearranging

Given that I like to watch movies and TV while I'm sewing and given that I had a big ass computer in the spare/computer/nap room and given that I had been watching movies and TV on the little laptop, I have moved the computer to the sewing room. That seems easy enough, but there's a lot of crap in this room. Plus then I had to move the printer, etc, which meant that I had to take off the door to the sewing room in order to have somewhere to put the printer. But, now I have what seems like a 52" TV in here and have just a spare/nap room. I don't know why my genius mind did not think of this before. This arrangement is advantageous for this reason, but has many drawbacks. Like, there is not enough room for me to sew, iron, watch TV and have Randi, Earl and Clark sit in the vicinity as they are want to do. Before the move, they could lay on the bed while I whittled away hours doing nothing on the computer, but now... Particularly since I also put the yoga mat in here so I could do sit ups and push ups at intervals in between sewing and ironing. Randi and Earl like the yoga mat and if they aren't laying on it, they are hovered around the doorway or the cords or I'm tripping over them. Furthermore, the chair in here hurts and I have no idea what I'll do when it comes time to plan for school and I have to have what seems like three thousand books around me and be near the computer. There is still some thinking to do, because short of knocking out a wall, making a desk come down from the ceiling or winning the lottery, I'm not sure how to rearrange my space.

Having been freed from the golf ball, PDub has gone back to spending her hours trying to figure out how to get into the garden.

Family

Sometimes you just need a hug from your sister.

I was trying to take a better picture of Sarah in her new haircut, but once I messed up this frame she was onto me and wouldn't come out from behind the chair.

In the past two days I have seen three snakes. The first snake Bill went by on his bike and didn't see. This snake was shiny. I screamed. Morgan and Don With the Brick Driveway said it was not a rattlesnake. The second snake both Bill and Don With the Brick Driveway had already ridden by when I saw it. I screamed very loudly and then they went back to look at it. It was a rattlesnake and he was not happy and coiled up ready to strike. I remained an extreme safe distance away squealing, "Ewww! Get away from it!!" The third snake Pete and I saw today while road riding in the middle of Central Road! It was not a rattlesnake, but I followed proper protocol and screamed. Pete swooshed at it with is bike to get it off the road so it would not get hit and then he stood by it while a big truck went by in case the snake had the idea to go back out onto the pavement.

When I got home I had another dead mouse by the front door. All so very very icky.

Farce

I removed the golf ball. It just seemed too cruel.

Cesar

In every dog's life there is a defining moment. A moment that shapes his or her canine being and changes them forever. For Clark this moment came when he was about six months old and my sister and my friend Cesar punked him so badly that Clark was scared to walk by the couch for days. What did Cesar do? I don't exactly remember, but he made an indelible and infinite imprint on Puppy Clark's brain, so much so that to this day Clark hates Cesar. And by hate, I mean Clark goes beserko when Cesar shows up at the house. He doesn't even really like it when I talk to Cesar on the phone. The last time Cesar was at my house was so long ago that it was pre-Randi and Earl and when he showed up today Clark just about lost it. He went the type of insane where I could never let Clark be in the same room as Cesar because he would surely bite him. The type of insane where even Randi and Earl were looking at him like, "Dude what's your problem? This guy looks fun." Sarah, despite how you might imagine, couldn't have cared less. Her reaction was like, "Whatever. You used to hang out with us all the time and I had hopes, but I'm onto you now, man, I know you're not sticking around, so I'm not wasting any time with you. And I look bitchin hot right now." And then she strutted over to go underneath the deck. Clark's reaction to Cesar may be fueled in part by the fact that Cesar refers to him as "Courage." Even Clark can sense sarcasm.

However, Cesar better be on the lookout the next time he comes over if he doesn't show up with four of his hot firefighter buddies scantily dressed like he promised. Like I told him, I've got a pole in the kitchen for a reason.

Good Times

This morning started out great when, for the second time in as many days I found myself locked out of the house having accidentally locked the security door to the little backyard. Alcohol was involved Tuesday night when it happened, but it was no big deal because I just went around to the otherside and walked back in. This morning I wasn't so lucky because both the security door and the regular door were locked on the front of the house. I only ever lock the security door when I want to keep Randi and Earl out, so I was a bit dismayed when I realized that I didn't actually have the right key for the front security door hidden in my secret key spot. And I didn't even have my glasses on. And I was in my underwear. And it was 5:30am. I tried to break in by taking off the screen on the window, but a year ago I put caulking around all the screens in an effort to keep out some dust. Brilliant. So then I had to break in using a different method, which I won't describe in case anyone else wants to break using the same method. It was spectacular because Sarah was inside the house and stood at the security door looking at me like "WTF?" I've since hidden the key outside. Only the ducks know where. Good luck getting those guys to say where.

So far my vacation has been taken up with the following daily activities:

8-10 hours: sleeping
1-3 hours: biking and post-bike breakfast and bullshit
1 hour: picking up because someone keeps making a damn mess in my kitchen and living room
3-6 hours: World Cup Soccer
5-6 hours: quilting and simultaneously watching TV
15 minutes: thinking about how I should pick up weeds outside with an occasional 20 minutes actually doing something about it
15 minutes: looking at the pool and wondering why the water is still not clear
2-3 hours: watching truly stupid television
2-4 hours: reading

I'm looking forward to the start of the Tour DE France next week because then I can add 3-4 hours of watching cycling everyday!!

Belle

Sarah got her summer hair cut today! She's got her skinny girl collar on and uninhibited by 15 lbs of fur her kick-ass attitude. She immediately snapped at Randi and Earl when she got home and has continued to do so, as they keep annoying her by following her around and looking at her. Beauty has its price. (I tried to take a better picture of her, but Sarah hates having her picture taken and either walks away or if she's sitting down turns her head and refuses to look at me. She's such a bitch!) The rest of the Pack will get their annual bath once it is hot enough for them to dry in 15 minutes because I have to tie them to the front gate so they don't roll around in the dirt and make themselves look like sand sugar cookies. It is a traumatic event for everyone. Plus I'm concerned the gate might not be able to take more than 15 minutes of Randi and Earl playing tug-a-war with it.

Friends

Not everyone gets to walk outside their backdoor and do this.

Ravens

One of the topics of today's post-ride breakfast (besides boob jobs, the oil spill and whether Clarence lives in Apple Valley or Lucerne Valley -it's complicated) was ravens. Pete said he had read a book about ravens. I've read a lot of books in my life, but I can't think of a book I am less likely to pick up than a whole book about ravens. Pete said that ravens can recognize each other and can choose a specific raven out of 100, if they so choose. I don't know about that, but I do know that I have not seen any ravens hanging out here since the duck pulled the bone out of the pool. Apparently the ravens had nefarious plans and were just hanging around long enough to dispose of a body. I refer everyone back to the crow mafia that was circling my house when Clark and Sarah attacked the raven. I'm sure they would have dumped my body in someone else's backyard if they'd had a chance.

Pete picking up a book about ravens reminded me of a great book I read. The Billionaire's Vineger by Benjamin Wallace. It's about a bottle of wine. And the whole time I was reading it I thought, I have to be the nerdiest person alive because I am reading a book about a freaking bottle of wine and I can't put it down. I highly recommend it.

Air Raid Sirens

The first week I was in France I was sitting in the bedroom with the blue carpet (as opposed to the living room with the brown carpet or the hallway with the blue tile carpet) when I heard an air raid siren. A genuine the Germans are on their way, find shelter and wait for General De Gaulle to tell you what to do air raid siren. Needless to say I was a bit panicked and had no idea what the proper protocol was. I wasn't sure if duck and cover was applicable to air raids. Was France under attack? Did this suggest impeding war? Was I supposed to exit the building and go somewhere? I didn't know, so I did nothing and waiting, anxiously looking out the window to see what the sage French people were doing so that I could follow them to safely. I still had barely an idea of where I lived and didn't want to get lost again. (Earlier that week I had gotten lost on a run and had to ask some gardeners where I lived. Don't think that doesn't make you look like a stupid American, excusez-moi de vous déranger, mais savez vous où j'habite?) Then the siren stopped and no one seemed the least bit concerned so I went back to my busy day of trying to figure out what the fuck I was doing in France. Of course, at that time I didn't know not one person in the whole city to ask why the hell there was an air raid siren, so it took several months before I had the answer. "Mais Béthanie...(in French my name changed- it always started with but, Bethany, followed by the condescending you are incredibly dumb for asking such a silly question how could it possibly be any other way tone. Exceptions to that tone were of course the chemists, who never used condescending tones with me. ) Anyways, the explanation was that mais Béthanie, of course they sound the air raid siren every week at noon on Wednesday just to make sure it works. Mais bien sûr. Why would you do anything else?

I bring this all up because last night I dreamed that I heard an air raid siren and I was going to have to run for shelter when I finally aroused myself out of my deep sleep to discover that Clark was just howling right next to my ear. Also I had a baby in my dream. I'm not sure he was mine, but I was in charge of an infant.

Anticipointments

The past week and a half has definitely had a series of acute anticipointments. But in my effort to not start drinking at 4:00pm everyday, I've decided to have one main goal every day with the idea that once I've completed the goal I can dick around for the rest of the afternoon without feeling guilty. Today I took at nap at 9:30 after my doctor's appointment. (That was not the goal.) I thought I was going to the orthopedic doctor about my arthritis, but it was with a neurologist. He said they have to do an EMG before they can do an MRI, but that there was something because when he banged my knee with the knee reflex thingy my leg didn't move at all. Then he hit it harder and it still didn't move. That hurt because that's my bad knee. There was no mention of what could be done and I wasn't feeling hopeful enough to ask any questions. Actually, mostly I just felt like crying for no good reason other than to cry. So, I took a nap instead. Since I didn't want to be a complete looser today the Pack and I cleaned out the spare/computer/nap room. (The actual goal.) They're not so good at cleaning because they don't like the vacuum cleaner and sneeze when I dust. They laid on the bed and "supervised." They're still laying on the bed supervising. Tomorrow's goal is to weed the garden and figure out what's up with the pool filter.

No crimes have been reported today.

Saratoga Animal Shelter Crime Log

MORE OFFICIAL CRIME SCENE PHOTOS

Egg. No shell.

EDub. Testifying about how her egg was kidnapped.

Nick Stokes.

CSI Nick Stokes thinks that the crows which are really ravens, stole EDub's egg and smashed it open and ate it. Or EDub got so hungry that she tried to eat it since I forgot to feed her this morning. (To my credit, I forgot to feed myself and arrived at my bike ride having had no breakfast.) Nick Stokes also thinks the crows (ravens) tried to get EDub's yesterday's egg because when I picked it up it had been poked open on one side. Maybe PDub really is the smarter one since she's not leaving her golf ball alone for a minute. Nick Stoke's going to come back tomorrow with Gil Grissom. Not Ray Langston because Grissom is way better at solving crimes. They're going to interrogate Earl and see if his status as a pot smoking Mob Boss might have anything to do with the recent crime sprees in the little back yard. Earl hasn't 'lawyered-up' yet. He'll probably try to take the 5th, but since he has to now say that he's exercising his fifth amendment rights and he can't really talk we'll have to see how that goes. If it starts to look like he's incriminating himself, I'll put on my mock trial T-shirt and advise him to keep quiet.

CSI: Apple Valley

Scene One

Aerial view of Apple Valley. The camera slowly zooms in on a quiet cul-de-sac. In the backyard four adorable dogs are wrestling. In another yard a white duck pulls a bone out of its pool. From inside a woman screams.
"Who are you? Do do, do do, Who are you? Do, do, do, do."

Scene Two
Nick Stokes, hot CSI guy arrives.

Nick Stokes: Ma'am I'm Nick Stokes from the crime lab. I'd like to take a look around.
Woman: Sure. Let me show you the bedroom.
Nick Stokes: ??
Woman: For later. In case you get tired. (wink, wink.)
Nick Stokes: Ma'am I'm here about the bone the duck pulled out of the water.
Woman: Right. Well the pool's over there.
Nick Stokes: Have you seen any suspicious persons around lately?
Woman: (thinking) Sara and Jessica were over yesterday for dinner, but I don't think they're suspicious. Jessica did spend $150 on a basketball with some guy's signature on it, but that hardly makes her suspicious.
Nick Stokes: Did you see them arrive?
Woman: No, I was drinking inside.
Nick Stokes: Did they arrive together?
Woman: No.
Nick Stokes: And you were drinking that whole time?
Woman: Uh, yes.
Nick Stokes: Huh. (writes in his notebook) Any other suspicious activity in the area recently?
Woman: (thinking) There was a family of crows hanging around the pool. I thought they were here to just eat mice, but then Saturday I saw them drinking out of the pool.
Nick Stokes: Hmm. Any reason to believe that these crows would do something harm.
Woman: They're crows and eat things?
Nick Stokes: Which duck discovered the bone?
Woman: The white one. The one not sitting on a golf ball. Do you think it's human? The bone?
Nick Stokes: I don't know ma'am. You'll have to wait for Booth and Bones to show up to confirm that.

OFFICIAL CRIME SCENE PHOTOS

Odds n Ends

• Yesterday when I pulled PDub off her nest there was a golf ball and an egg. She didn't lay the golf ball, obviously. I am confused because this egg was pure white, like EDub's eggs and not olive green like the ones PDub laid before. Short of DNA testing, I don't know how to determine which duck has laid the egg. (Maybe Nick Stokes from CSI can come over. He's hot.) PDub is also pretty mean right now. She's chasing EDub about the yard. Today she's just sitting on the golf ball. She does dutifully cover it up before she gets up to chase EDub around the yard. I think that would be like if I handed someone my Cabbage Patch Kid and said, "Be careful you support her neck." But who am I to judge maternal instincts; I've got four dogs.
  
• Today this other teacher asked me if my kids had braces and how I worked that out with my insurance. If only I could have seen my face, I'm sure it would have been comedy. I said, "I don't have kids?" And he said, "Huh?" which is most everyone's reaction. Whereas my normal reaction is how could anyone think I have kids? I'm not married. I said, "I got four dogs and two ducks and they don't need braces and even if they did I wouldn't get them for them."
• I am officially a looser because I have not a summer plan. My agenda is completely empty. I asked two random students what they were doing and they said repectively, "Missouri" and "Peru." I said, "Huh, well, I might go to Victorville. And if I'm feeling particularly crazy maybe Hesperia, but only if I want to get wild." My plan is not to start drinking at 4:00pm. But I didn't tell the students that.
  
• There was a dead mouse in front of my house this afternoon. It was a snack for a bunch of ants. I screamed and picked it up. I'd rather not speculate on how it got dead. Maybe Randi and Earl tried to play mouse basketball with it. Like when I came home and they were playing turtle basketball with my turtle. He didn't last too long after that. I'd like it if the dead animals could be in places I can't see them.
• Two years ago I had two turtles for about six months. They were awesome. The big one was Ted and the other one was Little Turtle. But then Randi and Earl played turtle B-ball and Ted succumbed to turtle B-ball related injuries a couple a days later and Little Turtle ran away. Yes, you read correctly: ran away. He was walking and I turned around and when I looked back he was gone. Turtles can go pretty fast. Plus they kind of blend in. Ted was semi-suicidal and burrowed into the big back yard, which is how Randi and Earl discovered him. Bill said that I couldn't really blame Ted because turtles don't generally score that high on the cognitive function test.
  

Anticipointment

Anticipointed (adj.)- The feeling you get when you are so excited you can't hardly stand yourself, only to be cruelly let down moments later. I was anticipointed to discover that PDub was sitting on a nest, but had still not laid any eggs.

Flying Pigs

I would appreciate if everyone would take a look outside and see if pigs are flying somewhere and report back because the neighbor behind me just told me, "Randi and Earl have been good. They bark every once in a while, but they've been good." I am in a state of shock because these are the same neighbors that called animal control to have Randi and Earl incarcerated. The same neighbors that reported the people next to them for barking dogs, and the neighbors I suspect called animal control for the other neighbor yappy dogs. I told Randi and Earl, "See, see what happens when you're good dogs, you get praise." I'm sure it's only temporary.

Bienvenue

The Saratoga Animal Shelter has two new members: a pair of crows that have been hanging around above the ghetto retaining wall. Presumably to eat the mice that have set up camp there. They are most welcome. As long as they don't try to eat the ducks. Or attack me. Then they are most not welcome.

The Sarah Program

This morning Sarah and I had some quality puppy-free time or I got so mad at 2:00am that the neighbor dogs wouldn't stop barking and therefore riling up the Pack that I threw them all outside except for Sarah and slept in the spare room, so I couldn't hear them making noise-time. In any case, Sarah was quite the social butterfly and spent about 30 minutes insisting that I pet her. I always say "Sarah is on the Sarah Program, which may or may not include being social," but this morning social was the Sarah Program. And when Sarah's being social she wants attention and is quite persistent. She also usually has a lot to say in the forms of grunts and whines. Loosely translated, I believe it is a list of all of the injustices she's had to deal with since her last bitchfest. ("And then Randi and Earl stood on the deck and looked down at me...") This morning was no exception and she spent at least ten minutes telling me all the reasons she's bitchy. There was nothing new on the list (Randi, Earl, man-less house, no tortillas, cheese or hotdogs.) After, she curled up next to the bed and proceeded to snore. Next time I'm at Walgreen's I'm getting some ear plugs to keep out the sound of barking neighbor dogs and Sarah's snoring. How can one little dog snore so damn loud?

Also, there were many people at the Tim McGraw concert with cowboy hats and cowboy boots. I could have got a hat and fit right in. The concert was very good, only my sciatica hurt a lot and I couldn't stand for very long, so therefore didn't really see much of the concert.

Sarah

As I've mentioned Sarah is Old Girl. She can't hardly hear or see or get up and spends most of her day in the corner in the garage or under the deck enjoying puppy-free time and being pissed off that there's no man at my house. I'm often home for an hour before she realizes that no one is out in the yard with her. Increasingly, you can be walking right behind Sarah (who is moving slightly faster than a turtle on crutches) and she won't know. This morning I was doing this when she made an unanticipated move and I tripped over her. She turned around and gave me her 'if I had opposable thumbs I'd shank you' look and said, "Watch where the $%^& you're going, bitch." I didn't take kindly to the insinuation that some how me tripping over her was my fault, so I said back, "Hey, you're the one that made me trip. You old girl." She promptly went outside and brooded on the deck. She's still not talking to me. Though this is not any different than any other day.

The kid with the tractor was out yesterday and he worked until his tractor broke. I can now, once again, find my dogs in the backyard. It doesn't look great, but he's going to come back. I hope. Please call, Tyler. The Saratoga Animal Shelter needs you.

Octomom is still unwilling to put her eggs into the world. Stephen says that they don't usually get egg bound once they've already laid some eggs, so I can't even threaten her with a proper basting anymore. I'm trying to be patient. Maybe she's going to lay a dozen in one day.

Lady Antebellum and Tim McGraw tonight!!! I didn't get a cowboy hat because Gretchen said when you take it off you have to babysit it and it wasn't a good idea. (I think I detected a sense of: also you will look fucking stupid in a cowboy hat, in her tone.) I almost bought some Keystone Light to take so I could feel country enough, but I settled with the Coors Light. Because I can't drink Keystone Light.

Est-ce possible?

EDub laid two eggs today. People tell me that it's impossible for a duck to lay two eggs in one day, but she did because she laid one egg before I went to work and I had another when I got home. Meanwhile Octomom still has not laid one. Check out her belly! My sister said her eggs are going to start coming out of her mouth. In other news, I think last night I may have seen her eat a mouse. I saw her grab something and then something that looked like a tail hanging out her beak. Or maybe I'm just imagining. Like when you think you've lost weight, but you really haven't.


A video of Randi and Clark playing. Like any good adult video, they take a moment before the real making out begins. Earl's busy chewing on his feet. He spends a lot of time doing this. Approximately 75% of his time awake, the time during which he is not smoking pot or taking stuff off my counter and eating it, is spent chewing on his feet. There is no distracting him once he gets the foot munchies. I don't know what wrong with him. Well, his name is Earl. That could be part of it.