Facts

It is a well established fact that project based learning is one of the most effective ways for students to learn. It is also a well established fact that listening to the presentations of said projects will drive even the most conservative teacher to drink copious amounts of booze. What I learned today from Francophone Country Reports:

1. It is a good thing we are out of forks in my pod because I may have poked eye out with one. And these were above average projects. But really, let's face it: Who really wants to sit through two hours of presentations daily about Francophone countries?

2. Country X became involved with France in 1958 and gained it's independence in 1960. Me: (giving the student a chance to see the mistake) So it was only under colonial rule for two years? Student: Yeah, that's what it said.

3. 86% of the Luxembourg population is Roman Catholic, but only 44% believe in God. Me: (giving the student a chance to see the irony) Huh? Student: Apparently they have some doubts in Luxembourg.

4. Niger and Nigeria are really the same country.

5. This is a map of the world:

You're thinking the same as me. "No it's not. That's a map of Africa in the shape of a globe." Well, you obviously did not type "map of the world" into Google and get that image, because if you did you would know that if Google returns it as a search result it as true as the sky is blue.

Additional facts I have learned this week:

The average IQ of the feline population of my pre-ghetto (ghetto-adjacent) neighborhood is far below basic. Sunday night I was awakened by the sound of a cat crying out for her lovah to attend to her more base needs. (Or maybe her lovah was attending to her needs, I didn't get up to verify.) The first time, I was the only one who noticed, so I stayed in bed, rigid still with fear that someone else would wake up and want out. Then the cat cried out a second time. This time its plea for satisfaction was was picked up by the Canine Satellite Intelligence Solo Antennae (CSISA) and transmitted via 101 Dalmatians Morse Code to the on duty double sentry who, as required, spent the next twenty minutes trying to get out of the house. I, on the other hand, not willing to dispose of another dead cat, did not want the sentry to exit the building, so I remained rigid still faking slumber hoping that they would forget what they were in the middle of doing. They did not and I had to let them out. Luckily the cat and her paramour were in another yard, or managed to escape. Either way, the feline population is not too smart. One would imagine that they would spend some quality time avoiding my yard altogether.

Fact: The room I am in at the college is so far below standard that it has nearly backtracked to advanced and has no chair for me to sit in and so I have to sit on the table when my leg goes numb. Yesterday the table creaked. Sure I could have gone with the disheartening you sure are a fat ass, but you know what I thought? Workman's Comp! Who's gonna get her back fixed?? Still waiting for someone to kick me in the back at work.

Entrapment

I think this is the Pack's M.O.

Land O Failed Comedians

I went to the gym today for the first time since I got my spinner bike. I went because I wanted to get out of the house and since I didn't have anything else to do I thought it seemed like a well thought out plan. I went because I thought surely in the nearly 4 1/2 months since I've been there they'd have fixed the damn spinner bikes. I went because I was feeling like I need to step it up a bit in the exercise category and possibly get to some different classes in my effort to not be a fat old man. I went because hope springs eternal.

The spinner bikes- all still broke, which made me mad, but I had forgotten that the gym is also social hour so when I saw Sheri I got on the elliptical next to her and explained how I hated the gym and she said, "Bethany, you're kinda angry about this." I said, "No fucking shit because my leg is numb already and I've been doing this only for three minutes." Then I saw Laura, Chaddie's wife, and curtailed my swearing tirade long enough to invite myself over to dinner. She was going to the spinning class as well and I said, "You can sit by me and you'll keep me from embarrassing myself and punching someone if I get annoyed."

Apparently if you can't make it in the 'biz' as a comedienne you are qualified to teach spinning at 24 Hour Fitness. I was too happy to just be in the room and not sick that I was no where near punching the lady in the face, but as each choreographed joke fell on a mostly silent public, I thought, fuck, if I'd wanted to laugh while spinning I would have stayed home and watched The Daily Show like normal! Then we had to play Family Feud against the Tuesday night spinning class. I didn't punch anyone in the face and in fact, I was more just confusèd than seriously put out. And it felt so good to get some exercise! I've decided that my litmus test for classes will be this: When compared to an hour on the bike watching the hotties of Hawaii 5-O, will I be more energized or will it end with me screaming "Get me Jack Reacher!"?

Then I went to Joann's and thought I was going to pass out because my back hurt so much before the ladies could cut and ring up my fabric.

When I got home Earl was so busy humping Randi he dragged her halfway across the breezeway. She normally just stands there with this look on her face, like, really, again? Can't we just agree you're the man? It's so embarrassing.

One Shot eBook Review

Synopsis: Jack Reacher kicks some ass.

Highlights: At the beginning of the book, James Barr, accused of a killing spree says only, "Get me Jack Reacher." I wish more people shared my love for Jack Reacher because then I could just start using this line everywhere like when I call for my referral today for my back- Get me Jack Reacher. Succinct. Problem Solved. Highlight Deux: Jack Reacher regulates and his words made me so joyous I bookmarked them for my review.

"I could throw you down the stairs," he said. "You could crawl over and take a look at Vladimir. I cut his throat afterward. Just for fun. That's who I am. So don't think I don't mean what I say. I'll do it and I'll sleep like a baby the rest of my life."

I like the short to the point sentences. I like Jack Reacher only kills bad guys for the sake of justice.

Kindle Adds Page Numbers to App

Best Valentine's Present EVER!

Read the article here.

Outlander and Dragonfly in Amber eBook Review

I finished Outlander three weeks ago and Dragonfly in Amber this week. I've already read these books by Diana Gabaldon many times, but decided to reread them since book club was reading Outlander. These are the first in a seven book series. Each book is 700-1000 pages long, which is why this time around I choose the eBook version. I've not read the seventh book yet even though I've had the hardback since the day it came out over a year ago.

Outlander is the story of Englishwoman Claire Randal who goes on a hike in 1945 in Scotland and falls into some 'screaming rocks' and travels through time to 1742 and lands in the hands of some Scottish clansmen. Due to circumstances beyond her control she has to marry Jamie Fraser and the adventures ensue. And I know what you're thinking: that sounds like the stupidest book ever. Quite the opposite. This is not a time travel book. This is not a romance book, though there is a fair (read a lot) of sex in the book. This is an incredibly gripping, well written, non-stop adventure. Even though I'd read the book a bunch of times, this reading was very different. For the first time I've read it, I'm older than Claire and I think this changed what I got out of the book. It really was like reading it for the first time.

In Dragonfly in Amber Claire and Jamie go to France to try to stop the Scottish uprising of 1745. Adventures ensue. I've always felt that Dragonfly in Amber is slower than Outlander and it is. Particularly the second half when they're back in Scottland and all it seems they are doing is going from one battlefield to another. And if I had to read "cheek to jowl" one more time...

But these books get 15 out of 10 stars because they are the only books I have read this many times and because they are the only books I'm willing to spend the money to purchase the eBook, just so I can always have them in my purse. You won't be disappointed.

*Sigh*

This morning at the lab getting my blood drawn for second test to determine my age and gender:

I am pissed at the world this morning for reasons that would be inappropriate to share here. I am glad I am not at work because children could be hurt in the crossfire. I'd exercise, but my lungs are still filled with junk. I'd punch someone in the face, but I think I'd break a nail and that seems like not the best choice for channeling my anger. Plus I've never hit anyone, though my mom says one time I hit my sister. (I don't think so, I think it was the other way around.) Instead I am going to download some Jack Reacher and savor every last syllable, living vicariously through a character who routinely punches people in the face as he kicks some bad guy ass. Heaven help his fiction ass if the book I choose sucks.

Hawk Is the New Cat

Mr. Hawk was back today and this time had a mouse in his talons. I don't think the dogs can kill him.

I'm sick again with a cold. I hate life.

Earl Develops an Irrational Fear of the Sewing Room

Since this morning Earl has been reluctant to step foot into the sewing room because of a plastic rod that is sitting by the door. It scared him. It didn't fall on him. It didn't jump out at him. It's in the same spot it's been in for the past three or four weeks, but today it sent out boogey rod waves and intimidated Earl so that he jumped back and now is wary to enter the room for fear that the plastic rod will do him harm.

In my continual effort to get the Big Guy a hobby besides shopping for quilting fabric, so that when he retires my mother doesn't kill him, I signed us both up for golf lessons. Today was lesson one. I'm not so sure how all the twisting works into my back problems because I'm a bit sore. I'm going to try to get Earl to act as a heating pad. If he can get into the bed tonight that is, because the past two nights he's had some difficulties figuring it out. The bed situation is a bit ridiculous. It works out ok if I get into bed first because then everyone goes around me and I have the best grasp of spacial relationships. If Randi or Earl get in the bed first, they just fuck it all up.

Respout

When I remodeled the entire east side of the house three years ago, the plumber I hired to put in the new tub knocked the spout from the old tub down the exposed drain hole for the toilet causing the plumbing to back up. I thought it was the septic tank, but when the Roto Rooter guy came out he said, "I think you need to see this," and showed me the tub spout caught in the 'clean out' pipe in the front of the house. You can imagine the conversation with the plumbing company. Then they came out to "investigate," followed a couple of days later by a conversation that involved them telling me that they had me and the handyman on tape saying that we did it. Then I lost my freaking marbles and screamed, "You taped me in my house without my permission!? I'll speak to you after I've talked to my lawyer!!" There then ensued a frantic and emotional phone call to my lawyer who was none to excited to discuss with someone so obviously distraught and unhinged the legalities of recording someone without their permission because he was probably dealing with trying to keep someone out of jail. Hysterical is too calm to describe my state and I was in no mood to hear the requisite, "Well, I don't...depends...." and I peppered the conversation emphatically with all of my various legal knowledge gleaned from eight years of sitting through Mock Trial practice, including the hysterical and violent declaration, "I know it's not legal! I have an expectation of privacy in my own home! There was a pretrial motion about that, Dad! I KNOW THERE WAS!" To which the Big Guy said he would look into it and get back to me. It was pretty clear after two weeks of daily calls to my legal team that you get what you pay for as far as legal advice and I was going to need to pay for some legal counsel if I expected to get anywhere with my wrongful tub spout lawsuit. After some months of constant pestering, my legal dream team was able to come up with some rulings that did in fact show that there is an expectation of privacy in your own home and the I'm-exhausted-from-hearing-about-it advice that probably the plumber should not have taped me, but I was most likely not going to be able to get them to pay to get the damn tub spout out, nor recoup the money I paid to have the tub put in.

I bring this all up because the toilet backed up last night and despite using my super homeowner skills and my dad's 'snake' that I've never given back, I was unable to get the toilet fixed and had to call Bill's rooter guy to come out today. He was able to unclog the toilet fairly quickly, but he said, "There's something stuck in here." I knew right away what it was. He didn't believe me, because, well it's a physics miracle that the spout made it from the bathroom down to the clean out without getting stuck and who has a tub spout in their septic line? I don't even have kids to blame. He was my hero and dug down and used his expert skills to get it out, but not before I got many lectures on the appropriate strength of toilet paper to buy when you have a septic tank and an old toilet. (It's not Cottonnelle.)

Cats

Randi sees a cat on The Colbert Report and Earl uses the distraction to lick my dinner.

Various

Where to start? Start at the beginning.

Monday:

On the way back from a workshop in San Diego with the principal:

Tuesday:

Am I a fat old man? Who knows. The test showed that I did not have an elevated uric acid level, but according to both the doctor and various Internet sites, this does not mean that I am not a fat old man, because your uric acid levels can be normal during a bout of gout. I have to take some heavy duty anti-inflammatory drugs for five days and then get retested for the uric acid levels. Then we will have a better idea if I have been correctly diagnosed as a fat old man. In the meantime, here are things I need to avoid: alcohol, meat, fish, legumes (therefore peanut butter and beans and therefore soy products and tofu), yeast, spinach and avocado. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to be eating. Tonight I'm going rogue and drinking wine and having some spaghetti sauce that I think has meat in it.

Today:

Chez le neurosurgeon: When I walked into the neurosurgeon's office, the first thing I noticed was the floor to ceiling framed concert posters of Jimmy Hendrix, Janis Joplin and Grateful Dead among others. Unwilling to admit that I stereotype based on those things, I forced myself to have an open mind about the doctor, though, let's be honest, that décor makes a statement. And I'm not sure if that's the statement I want the person who may potentially operate on my spine to be making. Then I sat down to fill out my intake form.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Exhibit C:

Exhibit D:

It took me a long time to fill our the intake form because I was wrestling with my conscious. I know I make mistakes sometimes, but this was outrageous. What I wanted to do was walk up to the counter, hand the receptionist the form and say, "I'm sorry, I can't be seen by a doctor in an office that is so careless with their grammar and spelling" and walk out. Because I feel that strongly about the importance of proper grammar and spelling. But I knew that after all the screaming and yelling it took to get the appointment I should probably just stay. Needless to say, it took me extra long to complete the form because I had to take the pictures and text them to various friends and the principal and then correct all of the mistakes on the form before I filled it out. Too bad I didn't have a red pen with me. (Note- I will be using these pictures tomorrow in a lesson on the importance of proper spelling and grammar.)

Once back in the room, I waited an hour and a half to see the doctor, so I had a lot of time to reflect about what the doctor could be like and his choices in office staff and décor. I thought maybe he also gave out medicinal marijuana cards. I thought maybe I should have brought Earl with me. When he finally showed up he looked like Alexander Dumas before he was a fat old man. (I don't know if Dumas had gout.)

I did not cry during the consultation, though I wanted to because it was so depressing. The doctor said that I need to have a more extensive surgery; that there is a problem in the L3 L4 disc and L4 L5 disc and that if we don't blah blah blah and fuse those two places it would not solve the problem. I would be off of work for 6 weeks to 2 months and in a back brace for four months. He gave me a couple of brochures. I need CAT scan on my spine. He said he didn't know how I wore out my back so young. I thought, "Well, joke's on you doc, cuz could be I'm an old fat man!!"

If the insurance decides to approve my CAT scan, it will be March before it's actually done. So, no relief for me any time soon.

Exhibit E*:

*diplomas mixed in with concert posters