Various

Where to start? Start at the beginning.

Monday:

On the way back from a workshop in San Diego with the principal:

Tuesday:

Am I a fat old man? Who knows. The test showed that I did not have an elevated uric acid level, but according to both the doctor and various Internet sites, this does not mean that I am not a fat old man, because your uric acid levels can be normal during a bout of gout. I have to take some heavy duty anti-inflammatory drugs for five days and then get retested for the uric acid levels. Then we will have a better idea if I have been correctly diagnosed as a fat old man. In the meantime, here are things I need to avoid: alcohol, meat, fish, legumes (therefore peanut butter and beans and therefore soy products and tofu), yeast, spinach and avocado. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to be eating. Tonight I'm going rogue and drinking wine and having some spaghetti sauce that I think has meat in it.

Today:

Chez le neurosurgeon: When I walked into the neurosurgeon's office, the first thing I noticed was the floor to ceiling framed concert posters of Jimmy Hendrix, Janis Joplin and Grateful Dead among others. Unwilling to admit that I stereotype based on those things, I forced myself to have an open mind about the doctor, though, let's be honest, that décor makes a statement. And I'm not sure if that's the statement I want the person who may potentially operate on my spine to be making. Then I sat down to fill out my intake form.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Exhibit C:

Exhibit D:

It took me a long time to fill our the intake form because I was wrestling with my conscious. I know I make mistakes sometimes, but this was outrageous. What I wanted to do was walk up to the counter, hand the receptionist the form and say, "I'm sorry, I can't be seen by a doctor in an office that is so careless with their grammar and spelling" and walk out. Because I feel that strongly about the importance of proper grammar and spelling. But I knew that after all the screaming and yelling it took to get the appointment I should probably just stay. Needless to say, it took me extra long to complete the form because I had to take the pictures and text them to various friends and the principal and then correct all of the mistakes on the form before I filled it out. Too bad I didn't have a red pen with me. (Note- I will be using these pictures tomorrow in a lesson on the importance of proper spelling and grammar.)

Once back in the room, I waited an hour and a half to see the doctor, so I had a lot of time to reflect about what the doctor could be like and his choices in office staff and décor. I thought maybe he also gave out medicinal marijuana cards. I thought maybe I should have brought Earl with me. When he finally showed up he looked like Alexander Dumas before he was a fat old man. (I don't know if Dumas had gout.)

I did not cry during the consultation, though I wanted to because it was so depressing. The doctor said that I need to have a more extensive surgery; that there is a problem in the L3 L4 disc and L4 L5 disc and that if we don't blah blah blah and fuse those two places it would not solve the problem. I would be off of work for 6 weeks to 2 months and in a back brace for four months. He gave me a couple of brochures. I need CAT scan on my spine. He said he didn't know how I wore out my back so young. I thought, "Well, joke's on you doc, cuz could be I'm an old fat man!!"

If the insurance decides to approve my CAT scan, it will be March before it's actually done. So, no relief for me any time soon.

Exhibit E*:

*diplomas mixed in with concert posters