The Courtesy Reach

My mom's gone to the beach this week. This should not be taken as a sign that my mom is doing anything related to relaxing. My mother does not relax. She had the entire car filled up with fabric and she has a sewing machine, and iron that are specifically dedicated to the motor home, so she is surely whipping up more receiving blankets and quilts and beanies than Max could possibly wear in his lifetime and the Snickerdoodle is mostly likely sore in the ear from listening to her chatter.

This has left my dad home alone. When left to his own devices the Big Guy enjoys food that no human willingly likes to eat: HomeTown Buffet and Bad Chinese Buffet. Since my mom refuses to go to these places, my dad is taking me on a series of dates this week. I'm trying to avoid HomeTown Buffet, so Sunday we had Thai food and today we tried out the BBQ place across from my house. (If they had their liquor license and if I could walk, I would so put on Gretchen's cowboy boots walk the mile to the bar to spend some quality time drinking something.) When me and my daddy go to dinner I always do the Courtesy Reach and say something like, "oh Big Guy, let me see if I have cash," and then while I fiddle around in the general area of my purse looking for my wallet he pays. It's a well choreographed dance.

Conversations with my dad center around these topics: Why he doesn't have a DVR and whether he has found a hobby yet. The Big Guy does not seem to understand the implicit threat to his person if he doesn't find a hobby before he retires. He seems to think my mother is going to be happy being with him "31," as he puts it. (31 is exactly what it sounds like 24/7.) I, on the other hand, understand that if he doesn't find something to do before he retires I could very well become a child of divorce. Sunday we came up with these things for him to do:

1. Go to the Donut Shop with all the other guys who don't have hobbies and eat donuts.
2. Go to Costco and eat a Costco Dog.

He really refuses to entertain any other possible hobbies. He doesn't seem to get it. He also doesn't understand the concept of the DVR, which I have explained many, many times.

I also asked him if he'd look into whether the lessons I create for my classes are my intellecutal property or the school district's. I'm very concerned about this in case I discover the secret to second language acquisition. And I'm talking the secret that would make Stephen Krashen's i + 1 look like a cave painting. Of course he didn't have an answer. That guy never has an answer for a legal question and don't think I'm not going to say that at his retirement party.

I did not get to hold Max this week because after he gained 50 grams he also took a couple of big dumps, so it wasn't good enough. I told him I was disappointed and expected better next week. He never has his eyes open when I'm there. Pretty much all he does when I'm there is snuggle into my sister's boob. Whatever. I got boobs too.

Giving Grandma a high five when she got to hold him.