eBook Reviews

Me and my dad's forehead holding Max.

Call Me Irresistible Susan Elizabeth Phillips Meg Koran is left stranded in a tiny Texas town after she is accused of 'breaking up' her best friend's wedding to Ted Beaudine, the town's beloved mayor. Her family has cut her off. She's got no money and the daughter of celebrity parents is forced to clean toilets and live in her car. Ted makes her life difficult. They are forced to team up when Ted is courting an investor for his golf course resort project and the investor takes an extreme liking to Meg. This book breaks away from the SEP romance novel formula. There's no secondary love story. The dialogue isn't at all that witty. The sex is pretty boring. And I liked it better because of it.

The Lincoln Lawyer Michael Connelly. Mickey Haller, a defense lawyer who works out of his Lincoln car, unintentionally gets involved in some crazy shit when he defends his new 'franchise' client Louis Roulet from assault and attempted rape. I'd tell you more but it would ruin the electric ride that is the book's plot. And because I have impulse control issues and all of my Netflix DVDs are taken up with True Blood Season 3, I rented the movie from Verizon and it was equally as good plus it had Matthew Mcconaughey, though the ending was 7,000 times more nail bitting in the book.

The Book Thief Markus Zusak This is one of the most interesting books I've read in a long time. First, you don't read a lot of books narrated by Death. Second, there are little side notes all throughout the book about the different characters. Leisel Meminger is an orphan on her way to her foster parents' house when her brother dies on the train and where she steals her first book. She is plagued by nightmares and her foster father uses reading to help her through the night. Then they hide a Jew in the basement who ends up writing her stories. Throughout the novel she steals books each time she is feeling particularly stressed. The book is well-written and refreshing for the portrayal of Nazi Germany where not everyone is a Nazi.

In Case Of Severe Weather

In case of severe weather like thunder and lightening storms everyone must try to sit on my lap at the same time so that I can protect them from the evil, nasty, scary thunder.

Unable to make it to my lap, Earl sits on Randi.

Protected.

Max goes to the Long Beach Quilt Show in his handmade by Grandma beach outfit.

I have these main goals today: Not be a lazy fuck and have Max come over. Either me or Max is going to need to start driving because not everyone wants to bring him over so I can see him.

Internal Memo

To: All Official Members of the Saratoga Animal Shelter

From: Shelter Director

RE: Vagrants

It has come to my attention that there have been several unauthorized animals squatting in the Little and Big Backyards. These include, but are not limited to: two (2) gopher snakes, one (1) kangaroo rat, numerous (∞) mice, and Mr. Hawk. Three of the animals were met with an untimely death by electrocution due to their own stupidity and small body mass, but whose death shorted the electric fence thereby making Escape By Fence for the official members of the shelter possible. All members of the Saratoga Animal Shelter are reminded that the shelter is not accepting new members at this time and any vagrants should be reported immediately by incessant barking, so that they can be removed before they procreate. All members are also reminded to stay away from the electric fence, even if it appears that a vagrant has expired there. I also respectfully request that all official shelter inhabitants keep a lookout for Mr. Hawk who appears to be using the tree in the Little Backyard as a hunting ground for birds. Mr. Hawk should be reported immediately, so that I can figure out what he is eating or take his picture. I would like to take this moment to also remind you of the Shelter's No Licking Policy which prohibits the licking of anyone because it is annoying.

Thank you for your prompt attention to these delicate matters.

Randi....Unadopted

Routinely I get up off the couch, turn the corner and see this:

1.2 MPH

That was my speed today when I walked this morning. Today I have done a whole bunch of nothing, the only highlight being that the first of the True Blood Season 3 Discs came. Due to the werewolves, Randi Unadopted is not allowed to watch True Blood Season 3 because she gets too worked up and not because when they change back into people they're hot naked men. Max came for a too short visit. He's looking like super fatty boy, but when I said that to him he got mad and screamed, so I had to apologize.

I took this when I was recovering at my mom and dad's.

Everyone's holding a baby.

Productivity

Despite my early day pity party, today has been rather productive. First, I walked a kilometer at a speed that could be described as slightly faster than a turtle on crutches. Before I went on my walk, I dutifully locked all of my animals in the house to prevent them from escaping and ruining my morning. As I finished my second lap on the street I noticed that two of my animals were in the breezeway due to the fact that I had not dutifully shut the window in my bedroom and which one of my animals believes to be her personal doggie door. I dutifully shoved the two fuckers back in the house, shut my bedroom window and went along my merry way. After that I took a shower standing up. Without the shower chair. Yeah, I know, Pretty Big Time.

Then I gave up on my book that was annoying me and made the decision to break out the gin at 2:00. Sara came over so I wouldn't feel like a complete loser drinking gin at 2:00 in the afternoon. In the making of the gin and tonics, I realized that I had been gin-jacked; that is the gin bottle barely had anything in it and I remembered that the bottle was pretty full after my dad's retirement party. Those of you paying special attention will remember that between my dad's retirement party and my surgery was only one week. And there was surely, absolutely, no way I had used up a bottle of gin in one week. Clearly, Earl had been sipping back on the gin. I'm not sure how he got the bottle open, but the evidence doesn't lie. Sara and I went to Stater Bros to avert the gin crisis.

Earl trying to get into the empty bottle of gin.

Bleh and eBook Reviews

I'm going to take two minutes to whine. My scar hurts. I'm tired. I want to curl up in a little ball on the couch. The weeds keep blowing up against the fence which makes me reluctant to want to leave the house in case some assholes decide to leave. I haven't seen Max in four days. The Tour de France is over. I want a carne asada burrito for lunch, but have no way to procure this for myself since I have no car, no desire to drive and Lolas is WAY beyond my walking distance. Everybody else is spending summer vacation doing fun things: bike riding, going to Santa Barbara, going to BBQs. The book I'm reading is not the best book I've ever read. I'm still upset about this Tom Cruise/Jack Reacher business. To quote Ami, "I want something fabulous to happen" and given my isolated pre-ghetto (ghetto adjacent) four-walled recovery island this seems extremely unlikely.

What I did for Love Susan Elizabeth Phillips Like all SEP books this one has witty dialogue and secondary love story and completely implausible situations. It was a quick read. Not one of my favorites, but the witty dialogue made me laugh out loud several times.

Angels Flight Michael Connelly Of the Harry Bosch series I've read so far, this one is my favorite. This was a fast past crime mystery novel with enough twists and turns to keep you interested. I read until 3:00am to finish this one.

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother Amy Chua This was a book club pick and at only 192 pages it should make for a lively discussion at Married Ladies Book Club. Given all of the hullabaloo about this book, after reading this I'd hardly say it's 'controversial.' It was a fast read and the story of her two daughters and (mostly) their fights trying to get to play piano and violin. Some methods you may agree with and some you may not.

MPH

I've been doing laps on the street and last night my dad measured the distance. From my driveway to the end of the street is 1/10 of a mile, which means yesterday I walked a total of.... (drum roll!!) ONE MILE!!

YEA ME!

The total time it took me to walk one mile was approximately one hour because I go so slow no one could be expected to walk with me. Yesterday I saw some neighbors who were engaging in an activity that I think Earl would have liked to participate in, had he not been locked in the house.

Today, Sara, Jessica and I are going to go school supply shopping at Target. (My momma gave me a coupon.) And I am going to buy everything in the baby section for Max. Because he is the best part of everyday.

Heavyweight

8 1/2 lbs of Pure Awesome

Picking Teams

Randi: Team Jacob

Me: Team Edward

Clark: Team Sara

Earl: Team I Don't Give a Fuck if the Birds Eat My Food

Please note the two doves in the dog food bowl and the various other birds drinking out of their water.

True Love

It has become increasingly evident that Clark has found his One and True Love and his One and True Love is Sara. All Clark wants to do is sit next to her, or on her, or hold her hand, then hold her hand with the other paw or look at her. Last night he wouldn't even leave the house until Sara got up and led him outside. We've been careful to talk only in English so Clark's feelings aren't hurt, but he's not really the kind of guy Sara needs. First, he doesn't have a job and isn't independently wealthy. Second, he's pretty needy clingy. And most importantly he has aided in the killing of four cats and no matter how much he professes his adoration, Sara's not going to take him home to a house with a cat.

Worn Out

This morning I went for a long walk down to the end of the street. I went up and back twice. It was made longer because on the first back my neighbor Leroy came out of his house brandishing a rainbow feather duster because he didn't know who I was and whether or not I was authorized to be walking down the street with a cane at a snail's pace. It was a long conversation, only half of which I understood because Leroy has got some kind of crazy American accent going on. I told I've lived here for nine years, but we'd never talked before. He told me all the people who had died on the street since 2000 when he moved in (a lot.) He said I was so white that I looked like I was from Massachusetts and it was good I was out walking around so I could get some color. I thanked Leroy and went along with my walk.

As I was ending my second lap, I realized that Earl, the fucker, had gotten out and was running amok in the access road. I hobbled over to the neighbor's house and pleaded with him to help me with my dog. Since neither one of us have easy access to the access road from our backyards, he had to hop his fence and try to grab Earl. Earl wasn't having it, so I had to go get treats and a leash. Then Tony and his brother in law had to pick Earl up and put him over his fence...so he could get back into my yard. I put everybody in the house, but was so exhausted I had to take a 2 1/2 hour nap. The two lap walk would have been enough, but chasing after the dog, on a cane really did me in. Like I'm not doing anything else today.

As if this whole business with Jack Reacher didn't ruin my day enough, then the fucking dogs have to be on lockdown. They don't even get to go outside for a two minute potty break without supervision. My dad's coming over later to see if we can outsmart the stinking dog. Good thing the Big Guy retired. I hope he brings Max. Yesterday Max and I had a serious conversation about us going to see the Tour de France when he's bigger. I told him we could ride bikes together and I would get him a blue bike. He liked the blue bike idea and kept smiling at me. A blue bike it is!

The Latest eBook Reviews

Chelsea Chelsea, Bang Bang Chelsea Handler. This book is what you would expect. Raunchy, alcohol drenched tales of mischief and mayhem. What I couldn't get is why Chelsea's boyfriend was so gullible. I probably won't read Lies Chelsea Told Me because I hate reading stories like that. But this book was funny and a very quick read.

The Black Ice Michael Connelly. I am sick to death of the man whore. I am sick to death of the guy who for no apparent reason falls in bed with some lonely woman for one night. Other than that, this book was good. As it's only my second Harry Bosch novel, I expect he will fall into bed with some lady in every book. He doesn't even change his clothes half the time. I just don't get it.

The Thousand Autumns of Jacob de Zoet David Mitchell. I don't even know what to say about this book. Here's the summary via Goodreads.com

The year is 1799, the place Dejima in Nagasaki Harbor, the Japanese Empire’s single port and sole window onto the world, designed to keep the West at bay. To this place of devious merchants, deceitful interpreters, and costly courtesans comes Jacob de Zoet, a devout young clerk who has five years in the East to earn a fortune of sufficient size to win the hand of his wealthy fiancée back in Holland. But Jacob’s original intentions are eclipsed after a chance encounter with Orito Aibagawa, the disfigured midwife to the city’s powerful magistrate. The borders between propriety, profit, and pleasure blur until Jacob finds his vision clouded, one rash promise made and then fatefully broken—the consequences of which will extend beyond Jacob’s worst imaginings.

Yeah, it's about that, but it also involves some dubious nunnery. This book took me about 100 pages to get into and then I plugged along feeling somewhat interested. Then about page 300 I couldn't put it down, then abruptly it left the interesting story for a completely uninteresting story about a British frigate. I didn't get it. The only glue holding this story together was Jacob de Zoet (probably why he's in the title.) In the end, a good book.

Unacceptable

I am beyond despondent.

The Huffington Post via Deadline is reporting that Tom Cruise has been cast to play my favorite character of all time, Jack Reacher.

Let's review. Jack Reacher is 6'5" and 250 lbs and Tom Cruise is not. Jack Reacher is fucking hardcore vigilante brillant violence. Tom Cruise is not. According to the article:

At the time, the author was among those most excited about the casting, saying that "Reacher's size in the books is a metaphor for an unstoppable force, which Cruise portrays in his own way."

Bullshit. JACK REACHER DOES NOT DEAL IN METAPHORS. Metaphors are willy-nilly. Metaphors can develop different meanings; you can discuss metaphors. Jack Reacher does not deal in the gray areas. He's not writing dissertations on rose imagery in Shakespeare. He is taking out a gun and shooting people who do bad things. You can't have a book club discussion of a Jack Reacher novel because it's all pretty dang clear. Jack Reacher does violence and helps good people. Jack Reacher does not discuss.

My dad had caught an early whiff of this rumor, but I refused to believe it. I have been so concerned about this that it has been keeping me up at night. It's a difficult question because you need an actor who is huge, but agile, and cute enough to be a man whore without too much work. I couldn't come up with anyone. Finally, I temporarily settled on the decision that casting directors would have to find an unknown actor to play him.

Tom Cruise as Jack Reacher. That's some fucking bullshit and has ruined my morning.

Just Another Day

Since I've been home, my daily routine has changed a bit. I get up. Make coffee. Sit at the computer until my back hurts. Go for a walk. Lay down and read. Nap. Eat. Tour de France. Repeat. My goal is to scrapbook one page each time I sit down at the computer so that by the end of the summer I will have completed my France scrapbook. By far the best part has been that every day this week someone different has brought me dinner. It's been awesome. Jessica made burritos last week. Wednesday Julie made me grilled chicken and a zucchini custard. Thursday Sara made me chili. Yesterday Holly brought over some wraps with vegetables and weeds from her garden and a casserole with all kind of things I've never heard of before. It's like eating at different houses, only I don't have to go anywhere. Who could be bored with that?! Today Max is going to come and visit. I hope he brings something other than formula because I'm not too keen on Enfamil.

Everyone is very concerned that Randi and Earl are going to do me harm. While they are KJs (Known Jumpers) and KA (Known Assholes), they've really been quite good and Randi has been especially accommodating at night by laying against my back so I can sleep better. This morning Earl wanted to have some special time, so he climbed up on me as I was reading and went to sleep.

Last night when I woke up in the middle of the night, I put my brace on and started walking without the cane before I even knew what I was doing. I'm expecting to ditch that thing (in the house) within the next few days. Outside the house, I'll still need it because the walk to the end of the street and back is so long it nearly requires the iPod to keep me occupied.

White Noise

As this photo clearly indicates, my Pack of dogs did not escape and get arrested because they were trying to find me; they were obviously trying to get to Canada because that's where Sara was.

I'm tired because last night there was some kind of mischief amok in the quartier, because every dog and kitten was howling and making all kinds of ruckus. After I had to get up out of bed the third time and after Clark refused to go outside (and I can't reach down and drag him), I did something I've never done before. I kicked him out of my room, slammed the door and used the white noise app on my phone to get a couple of hours of sleep. Randi only marginally made it up to me by coming in the house around 5:30am and promptly laying in a position that made it really comfortable for me to sleep. Everyone else is still a fucker.

This Is Your Brain

This is your brain on drugs:

Unbeknownst to me, in order to get on the bed during the non-daylight hours, there is a very small invisible opening and each dog must get on the bed through, what can only be described as the nighttime bed portal or certain death will await them. The portal is located on the right hand side of the bed and is only about a foot wide. The portal is only in effect during the night. During the day, the dogs are able to get on the bed from any direction. I don't understand what kind of Harry Potter Voodoo shit makes it so that the rest of the bed is off limits once the sun goes down. This is all fine and dandy if a dog has not already gone to sleep in the portal area as frequently happens. For example, last night Randi went to sleep next to me, taking up part of the magic portal and so Earl had to cry for 20 minutes while he tried to figure out how to get on the bed. Finally, he said, fuck it and jumped up, on top of Randi and laid down using her bottom half as a pillow until she got tired of that and wiggled off of the bed and then had to figure out how to get back on when Earl was sitting in the bed portal. So she jumped up on him and used him as a pillow. Heaven forbid anyone walk to the other side of the bed and get up over there.

Approximate location of nighttime bed portal in red.

(Ignore the bed. Too much work to make it right now.)

Milestones

Today's milestones are:

• Confirmed Randi does not get to be near Max until he is old enough to sock her in her head.
• My house is clean.
• I took a walk with the cane: an out and back route- out two houses and back
• I took a shower by myself.

There were some unintended discoveries based upon today's milestones- namely that when I took a shower I did not consider how I would get my clothes up off the floor after I took them off. Good thing I have a pincher.

...You Want Pillow?

Well, I think I can say that I am officially over with doing nothing but reading and am going to start to gnaw on my fingers for want of a different activity to do while laying down. Particularly now that I'm home and there is no one to talk to and certainly no Max to hold and look at.

There was a flurry of activity here at the Saratoga Animal Shelter this morning because I had a kid come and work on the gigantic tumbleweed farm that had sprouted in the past month in the backyard. While he was out working he found a snake. A SNAKE! You will know how much I do not like the snakes of any sort. I took a walk out to the backyard to see it, but it was hiding in the tumbleweeds. He found it, then used the electric wire to stun in and threw it over the fence. I called a big fat not cool on the reptile species because they should not be in my backyard. In the desert yes, but my house is surrounded by houses. Not cool, snakes. Definitely, not cool.

Then the housecleaners came to 'deep clean' the house. They cleaned my bedroom and ghetto 3/4 but only 1/2 functioning bathroom, the fully functioning full bath, 1/2 of the pink room and 1/2 of of the yellow room. They got here at 9:00 and just left here at 3:00. I told them they didn't have to do a super fabulous job in the pink or yellow room because there's just too much stuff in there. For example, the floor of the pink room is litered with all of the alcohol left from the Big Guy's retirement party. When I let the Pack back in they ran from room to room smelling and licking things in disbelief. If I can just quote Gretchen on the subjects of housecleaners "I will whore myself out on D Street before I get rid of the housekeeper." (Truth be told, I can't imagine I'd make a lot of money whoring myself out right now since I have no way to even get to D Street, plus I have to wear the back brace all of the time and a shower's such a to-do that I'm only doing that every other day, if I'm feeling motivated or if I know I'm having visitors.) For the time being the housecleaners are going to come once a week since I can't even do hardly throw away the newspaper by myself. (I am not over with having a legitimate excuse not to do housework.)

"Housework won't kill you, but why take a chance." Phyllis Diller

eBook Reviews

The Paris Wife Paula McLain. I skimmed most of this book because I thought it was boring. Why I even kept reading I don't know. At some point a book has to be interesting on its own, but this story revolved around the reader's knowledge of its "famous" characters. It tells the story of Ernest Hemingway and his first wife and presumably we're supposed to be interested automatically because it's the "famous" Ernest Hemingway. There was no point in this book that I cared. It was as if all of the excitement was supposed to come from me reading about these characters interacting with "the famous" Ezra Pound and F. Scott Fitzgerald. I didn't find that interesting. In fact, I was thinking Ezra Pound, that guy made college English miserable. The writing...drab. The dialogue...blah. The descriptions...eh. Not recommended. Unless you are Ernest Hemingway's biggest fan and have to read everything about Ernest Hemingway.

A Visit from the Goon Squad Jennifer Egan Once again, despite my general dislike of short stories, I managed to get a book of short stories. (This is due wholly to the fact that most of the books I choose I get from different book blogs and I barely even know what they're about when I start to read them, since I haven't been perusing the book store shelves in forever....which is one of the things that I miss about real books. Preferably, I think, I would like to go to Barnes and Noble, find the books I wanted to read and then download them from LA County Library.) Anyways, once again, a series of short stories in which you find out about characters from other characters' stories. I'm not a huge fan of that technique. The subject matter and writing reminded me of Juliet, Naked by Nick Hornby. BUT, this book is recommended solely for the chapter about a 12 year old girl written entirely in graphic organizers. Having used the graphic organizer many o times in the classroom, I appreciated the nod to public education. Graphic organizers...that's funny and original.

Brandy and Carl

My return to my home was determined Thursday in a whirlwind of drama and stress due to the fact that Randi and Earl had decided that they had had enough of being home alone and decided to leave. Presumably to look for me, but more than likely in search of cats or Mischief. When Pete got here the neighbor said that the dogs had been out several times and she had put them back and that Animal Control had brought them back for their "one time free return to owner" and left me a note. The courtesy "notice" lists "Brandy and Carl" as Akita mixes. Their Lojack chips got them back home. The whole evening was drenched in drama. Pete got here and called, but I didn't hear the phone because I was busy in the living room holding the Cutest Baby in the World and when I finally went to lay down I saw I had about ten phone calls from Pete and Steffi trying to get a hold of me. (You know it's not going to be good when you've had ten missed calls.) Pete put the dogs in the house and turned on the swamp cooler and when I got that message I yelled, while simultaneously rolling out of the bed and putting on my back brace and gathering up my walker, "Dad, we've got to go, NOW." We left and I had visions of carnage in my house. Ripped couches, quilts, dog throats, fluff all over the place. But when we got here the fuckers were just fine. In fact, they were so tired for whatever the fuck they were doing they have hardly left the house since Thursday evening.

My dad went right to work making sure the fence was working, dutifully testing it by touching it and then by taking "Brandy and Carl" over and touching them to the fence so that they knew it would shock them. I had Jessica come and stay with me Thursday and Friday (and if my mother asks Saturday night as well) because I wasn't sure how I would be by myself. As it is, it's tiring being here by myself. I'm still recovering from everything I did on Thursday. I gotta make my own coffee, get my own lunch, try to pick up everything I drop with my pinchers. Since my house wasn't quite ready for my premature return, my dad has been here every day trying to fix the things that needed to happen before I came home.

I guess, despite all of the craziness with the animals, it's better I came home on Thursday. I think my mom and dad were over having me there all the time; it's clear when choosing between me or the Cutest Baby in the World, I come in way after the Snickerdoodle. So in essence, Randi and Earl were just jump starting my recovery because they didn't want me plateau. They knew I could do it. The other plus I've discovered is that I sleep so much better when Randi is the 'bolster pillow' for my back. Friday night I was snuggled between her and Clark and was sleeping pain free on my side until Randi got off the bed and without her "support" I had to change positions.

No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed

I went for my first post-op appointment today and the doctor took out my stitches. Since I was no longer in a drug induced stupor, I was able to ask several questions and then the doctor gave me a print out of the surgical report which says that I have spondylolisthesis and spondylosis L4 and that they did these things.

1. Lumbar laminectomy, L3, L4, and L5.
2. Complete bilateral foraminotomies of L3, L and L5 nerve roots.
3. Discectomy at L3-4,and placement of pedicle screws at L3-4, L5 bilaterally.
4. Placement of interbody disk spacer with fusion bone L3-4
5. Overal reconstruction of spine L3-4 and 5.

So there you go. He said I will be off for two full months, so I'll miss the first week back to school, most likely. He said I can't lift anything over five pounds. I said, how about seven because my nephew weighs about that much. He said no nephews and no small dogs. I said what about big dogs? He inquired what kind. I said, dumb, big dumb dopey dogs. If I knew what Randi and Earl were then I would tell people, but given their lack of AKC papers I'm always at a loss for words. He said whenever I feel like it I can ditch the walker, then the cane, then I can run a marathon. Ok, he said two of those three things. He said no pool for me. He said it's not surprising my back keeps spasming and whenever I feel ready I can drive.

I don't feel ready to drive at all, but I did get the paperwork for a temporary handicapped sticker because I figure if I need people to drive me around I am more likely to get more friends if I have a handicapped sticker.

Bill called and asked how I was spending my days and so here is my daily agenda.

8-9ish: Wake up and waddle to the living room. Watch the Tour de France. Drink coffee with my dad. Wait for my dad to make me breakfast.

9-10ish: Go back to bed. Watch the Tour de France and/or read.

10-12ish: Finish morning reading and Tour de France watching and/or take a nap or read

Noon ish: Waddle to the living room and ask my dad to make lunch.

1:00-3:00ish: Go back to bed. Continue to read and/or watch the Tour de France.

3:00: Get up and ask my dad for some water. Sit up and do something.

4:00-5:30: Go back to bed. Continue to read and/or watch the Tour de France.

5:30-6:00: Get up when my dad says dinner is ready and drink my glass of milk and take my vitamins.

6:00-6:30: Tell my dad I want to go for a walk. Wait for him to finish cleaning up all of my dishes and then go for a walk.

6:30-7:00: 4 house long walk

7:00-10:00: Go back to bed. Continue to read and/or watch the Tour de France or Bravo.

10:00: Take pain pill and go to sleep.

Of course, there are some minor variations like sometimes I don't just watch the Tour de France, I also hold Max or feed Max. And sometimes people come and visit and then I miss reading or I miss a nap. And sometimes I get up and do the computer until I'm too tired to sit up any more, which is usually less than an hour. You can see that my day is just filled up. I hardly have time to do anything.

The Enemy and The Black Echo eBook Reviews

Someone had recommended Michael Connelly to me as an 'author to read' and so in my surgical preparations, I bought one of his books. Generally, I like to read the books in order so I started with #1 in the Harry Bosch series, The Black Echo. It's a crime novel about some dead bodies found in Los Angeles. Harry Bosch investigates them. He's a 'loner' not part of the LAPD family. He's under investigation with Internal Affairs. He teams up with the FBI. He's led down the wrong path, then he finds the right path. He smokes cartons of cigarettes in the process. This was a good decent crime novel. Not gory. Not too sexual. I was mildly surprised by the ending. Highly recommended and I've already requested other Harry Bosch books from the library.

True to my word, I did not read another Jack Reacher novel for a week because I was so disgusted with Tripwire's dumb Jack Reacher man-whore storyline. The Enemy was the Jack Reacher refresher I needed. It's told in the first person. Jack Reacher is still in the military. He's not even 30 yet! He stays true to his man-whore nature, but it's hardly the anchor for the book. At first I was worried, how could Jack Reacher do brilliant violence if he's still in the military? Doesn't the military frown on that? In any case, in The Enemy, the reader is introduced to Joe Reacher, Jack Reacher's brother who is murdered in the Killing Floor and Joséphine Reacher, Jack Reacher's mom who is dying. The only beef I had with this book is that Jack Reacher flies into LAX and says because of traffic it took him over an hour to reach Fort Irwin out in the Mojave desert. An hour? Try three at least, Reacher, because it would take me nearly an hour to get to Fort Irwin and if I made it to LAX in two hours I would consider it a miracle.

Adventure!

Last night my dad and I went on the longest walk ever. And by the longest walk every I mean we went this far:

(And yes, I have enough time on my hands to capture that image and annotate it. Each box is a house, to give you an idea of exactly how far we went.) In any case, the longest walk ever meant that I went right to bed and slept 11 hours and then went back to bed after I ate breakfast because I was exhausted. Despite my exhaustion, I convinced my mom and dad that it would be ok for me to try to take a drive to my house so I could see my dogs and pet them. The petting them was the only iffy part of the plan because Randi and Earl are quite exuberant and like to jump. And at 79 lbs and 90ish lbs that's a lotta dog to brace for. Earlier in the week, Earl had knocked Steffi over and she had to have her wrist X-rayed to make sure that it wasn't broken. (It wasn't and Steffi will tell you that Earl was just being a dog.) I'll agree. I can see exactly what happened. Earl jumped up, unawares how that motion had started or how it would end and surprised the fuck that his front two feet were off the ground. This is a dog for whom it routinely takes 15-20 minutes to figure out how to get in the bed. All this doesn't really matter because jumping is dangerous when the dog is 90 lbs.

Anywhoos so my dad and I went on an adventure to my house. We had a plan and the plan was to arrive specifically during the hours dedicated to nap time because the dogs are less active in the hours dedicated to nap time. Randi takes nap time so seriously that when my dad was over there last he couldn't find her, despite calling and calling and finally, when he was about to start hunting the neighborhood he found her underneath a bush tree, all four legs straight up in the air. She was so sound asleep that she didn't even wake up when he pushed her with his foot. (He thought she might be dead!) Finally she woke up, he said, when Earl ran over and jumped on top of her. The second part of the plan was that I would go in the house through the back and then I would sit on the couch with the walker around me as protection. I shuffled in the house, sat down and said, "Ok, Dad, I'm ready." And he opened up the door.

For the most part they were pretty good. Clark laid on top of me and climbed on my lap and Randi jumped over the side of the couch to sit next to me. I think the combined forces of heat and nap time kept them pretty calm and we left about a half an hour later with me covered in enough dog hair to make another dog. One thing is certain....those guys need a bath.

Then my sister and Max came over to babysit me while my mom and dad went down the hill. Maximus, currently can be called Gasimus because he's quite gas-y stinky boy! (But still the Cutest Baby in the World!)

I'm putting all the books I plan to read in the next week on my shelf because I'm tired of changing it daily.

Trans Sister Radio Book Review

I love Chris Bohjalian. He is absolutely one of my favorite authors of all time. Steffi lent me this book (an actual book!), but I don't think this is one that I would have picked up on my own. It's the story of Dana Stevens, a transsexual, who starts a relationship with Allison Banks, a 6th grade teacher right before her sex change operation. Transsexuals, sex change operations, pushing the limits of acceptance in a small Vermont town are not something I normally would be excited about reading. Nevertheless, I said, Chris Bohjalian has not failed me before, so I was willing to let his name and reputation lead me into the book rather than the story itself. And what I got was good. A decent read. I'm not sure if I didn't have anything else to do during the day besides read, if I would have been so eager to pick it back up, but I did.

I think my book reviews at least for the next week or so will have to be taken with the grain of salt that I currently have some pretty limited options for when I'm lying in bed. My options as I see them are:

1. Watch tv
2. Watch the Tour de France
3. Read
4. Stare at the ceiling fans

Grapes

Since I can't bend, I can't pick things up off the floor if I drop them. My mom's bought be a "pincher" which has come in handy in the bathroom every time the toilet paper comes off the goddamn hanger and falls on the floor which is every time I go to the bathroom. The pinchers aren't so good for super small things like the cap to the toothpaste which stayed on the floor until my mom picked it up this morning.

According to my mother, grapes are the absolute worst thing that a dog can eat. If a dog goes near a grape it is only a matter of time before the dog will die a horrible painful death. Unfortunately grapes are round and hard to hold on to and in the past five days I've dropped several grapes on the ground. Unable to retrieve them myself, I yell in the loudest voice that will make it so my dad hears my sarcastic panic, "OH MY GOD I DROPPED A GRAPE! DAD! A GRAPE! THE COUNTDOWN TO CERTAIN DEATH HAS STARTED. HURRY! BEFORE THE DOG WAKES UP AND DIES." He normally just sighs and then picks up the grape. The other day when I did this three times in a row, he picked up the grape and then came back with a bowl and said, "Put these in there so you don't drop them anymore."

Mortal Fear eBook Review

This was my first book that I had downloaded from the San Bernardino County Library, which is inferior to the LA County Library because 1) you can only check out a book for a maximum of 14 days 2) you only have three days to check out the book once it become available. Whatever.

In any case according to the copyright page, the original electronic version was published in 2000. I don't know what happened in the conversion, but my version of the book had no apostrophes, no quotation marks and lots of words were stucktogether making it sometimes difficulttoread. A whole book without apostrophes? It was like reading La Disparition by Georges Perec, in which he wrote a whole book without using the letter "e." This book was ok. The main character Harper Cole, who is the system operator of a high-class sex program/forum online who discovers that several women subscribers have been murdered. Harper's got his own big problems because he's the father of his sister-in-law's daughter. The FBI thinks he's the killer. The killer is sick and twisted to the point where I thought, wow, maybe I don't really want to keep reading this. Then I thought, wow, I don't want to hear anymore about Harper's stupid problems with his sister-in-law. Then the two collided and the last 150 pages flew by.