The Huffington Post via Deadline is reporting that Tom Cruise has been cast to play my favorite character of all time, Jack Reacher.
Let's review. Jack Reacher is 6'5" and 250 lbs and Tom Cruise is not. Jack Reacher is fucking hardcore vigilante brillant violence. Tom Cruise is not. According to the article:
At the time, the author was among those most excited about the casting, saying that "Reacher's size in the books is a metaphor for an unstoppable force, which Cruise portrays in his own way."
Bullshit. JACK REACHER DOES NOT DEAL IN METAPHORS. Metaphors are willy-nilly. Metaphors can develop different meanings; you can discuss metaphors. Jack Reacher does not deal in the gray areas. He's not writing dissertations on rose imagery in Shakespeare. He is taking out a gun and shooting people who do bad things. You can't have a book club discussion of a Jack Reacher novel because it's all pretty dang clear. Jack Reacher does violence and helps good people. Jack Reacher does not discuss.
My dad had caught an early whiff of this rumor, but I refused to believe it. I have been so concerned about this that it has been keeping me up at night. It's a difficult question because you need an actor who is huge, but agile, and cute enough to be a man whore without too much work. I couldn't come up with anyone. Finally, I temporarily settled on the decision that casting directors would have to find an unknown actor to play him.
Tom Cruise as Jack Reacher. That's some fucking bullshit and has ruined my morning.
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