The Geriatrics are driving me damn insane. I'm trying not to be too annoyed by their antics because they are Geriatrics, but I'm having difficulties.
First, the Geriatrics have to get up every two or three hours in the middle of the night to go outside. Last night we were up at 10:30, 1:30 and 4:30 exactly. I should be very happy that the Geriatrics are still cognizant enough to realize that they need to go outside and still have the where-with-all to pace in the hallway making clickity clack sounds until I wake, but the Geriatrics still have to get up every two hours to go outside in the middle of the night. Most of the time the Geriatrics get lost, or distracted, or decide to bark at nothing while they are outside in the middle of the night. It's so bad that when I let them out, I lay down on the couch and take a mini-nap while I wait for them to finish their business. Last night, Shila was so distracted or lost that I had to go out and get here twice. Going to get her consists of getting the flashlight, then walking on the desk, then flashing the flashlight at her and screaming in a whisper, "Shila! Shila! Let's go! Get. In. Side." You might ask why I don't just leave them outside. I don't leave them outside because if I do, then they just bark at nothing which makes me want to shoot myself with the guns I don't have in my gun closet.
Second, the Geriatrics have some issues falling off the bed. Well, Shila doesn't actually get on the bed, but she's had some issues with thinking that she can sleep in my room, so while I'm grabbing Clark by his collar to keep him from walking off the side of the bed, I'm also screaming, "Shila! Get. UP. And. Go. In. The. Other. Room. Shila!"
Today I called the vet to make an appointment for Clark who has the longest toenails known to man and the lady said that Randi was due for an exam. I said, "No. She's fine. She doesn't need to come in. They're just going to say she needs to lose weight and we're trying! We're trying dammit!"
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Harassed
This morning Randi and Earl were harassed by two crows. I was rearranging my Pinterest boards when I heard an inordinate amount of crow squawking and so I left my boards and exited the building to investigate. The squawking was so intense that I was sure my backyard had been transformed into Farmer McCall's farm and that Thomas the Train was going to show up to shoo away all of the crows like he does in Thomas' Muddy Matters DVD. Alas, my backyard had not been transformed and what I did see was Randi staring curiously up into the pine tree where two crows were very busy squawking and throwing sticks down at Randi. The two were viciously ripping apart my pine tree and then tossing the sticks and needles onto Randi's head. She didn't care and neither did I because I hate the pine tree. During this time Earl paced anxiously a bit farther away. I was just about to go inside when the crows took off and it was immediately apparent that one of the crows was injured and because of his injury was unable to fly very high off the ground. You can imagine how Randi and Earl felt about that. The crow managed to get himself up onto the electric wire behind the house, but then swooped down again; this time so close I lost my breath and Earl got so scared he ran into the house to hide.
One time Clark and Sarah attacked a crow in the Little Backyard and maimed it. Clark had crow feathers in his mouth. It happened so fast I can't even say how it happened. I do know that the crow couldn't fly away and was unresponsive to any of the options I tried to provide it. (I mostly tried to get it to hop on a shovel so I could put it in the front yard.) I called my dad and when I told him that there was a maimed crow in the backyard he said, "Ok. Here's what you need to do. You need to get a shovel. And then hit it over the head and kill it." I don't remember exactly how I responded to that solution, but I'm pretty sure it involved screaming. In the end I just left the crow in the backyard; his crow cronies were circling around and making me nervous and I had to be somewhere. A couple of days later the neighbors called animal control when the crow managed to get into their yard. If I'd known that was an option I would have done that myself.
This morning's crow harassment was all after Earl pulled a dirty, dirty move this morning. He got up off the rug, cried at the door and so I got myself up out of bed and opened the door for him. When I got back to my room he had swooped in on my spot on the bed. Trickery. And I fell for it.
Wednesday after gymnastics me, my dad and Max took the cart out to see the pigs before they went off to the fair this weekend. There may have been some disappointment because there were no cows, but to be fair every time some screamed "moo- cow" I responded with, "No moo-cows; just hamburger now." The entire way back from gymnastics was filled with "Moo-cow! Grandpa. Pig! Grandpa. Oink. Oink. Grandpa! Grandpa. Pig. Moo-cow." We also saw some chickens and sheep, but the best part was the pig on a diet. I think it's safe to say your weight is out of control if you're a pig on a diet.
One time Clark and Sarah attacked a crow in the Little Backyard and maimed it. Clark had crow feathers in his mouth. It happened so fast I can't even say how it happened. I do know that the crow couldn't fly away and was unresponsive to any of the options I tried to provide it. (I mostly tried to get it to hop on a shovel so I could put it in the front yard.) I called my dad and when I told him that there was a maimed crow in the backyard he said, "Ok. Here's what you need to do. You need to get a shovel. And then hit it over the head and kill it." I don't remember exactly how I responded to that solution, but I'm pretty sure it involved screaming. In the end I just left the crow in the backyard; his crow cronies were circling around and making me nervous and I had to be somewhere. A couple of days later the neighbors called animal control when the crow managed to get into their yard. If I'd known that was an option I would have done that myself.
This morning's crow harassment was all after Earl pulled a dirty, dirty move this morning. He got up off the rug, cried at the door and so I got myself up out of bed and opened the door for him. When I got back to my room he had swooped in on my spot on the bed. Trickery. And I fell for it.
Wednesday after gymnastics me, my dad and Max took the cart out to see the pigs before they went off to the fair this weekend. There may have been some disappointment because there were no cows, but to be fair every time some screamed "moo- cow" I responded with, "No moo-cows; just hamburger now." The entire way back from gymnastics was filled with "Moo-cow! Grandpa. Pig! Grandpa. Oink. Oink. Grandpa! Grandpa. Pig. Moo-cow." We also saw some chickens and sheep, but the best part was the pig on a diet. I think it's safe to say your weight is out of control if you're a pig on a diet.
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| The desert is beautiful. |
Thursday, May 9, 2013
New Shelter Policy
To: Shelter Members
RE: Mandatory Outside Time
It has come to the Shelter's attention that certain members are spending too much time inside. Therefore, during the shelter director's convalescence all members will be required to participate in Mandatory Outside Time sometimes refereed to as Mandatory Alone Time in an effort to balance domestic bliss. Mandatory Outside Time will start at the director's discretion and will be of variable lengths. A reminder that Mandatory Outside Time is mandatory and all members must participate at the same time. If you have any questions, please see your union rep.
RE: Mandatory Outside Time
It has come to the Shelter's attention that certain members are spending too much time inside. Therefore, during the shelter director's convalescence all members will be required to participate in Mandatory Outside Time sometimes refereed to as Mandatory Alone Time in an effort to balance domestic bliss. Mandatory Outside Time will start at the director's discretion and will be of variable lengths. A reminder that Mandatory Outside Time is mandatory and all members must participate at the same time. If you have any questions, please see your union rep.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Weight News
Yesterday when my dad showed up to take me to the doctor he said in a grave voice, "I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but it doesn't look like the diet's working. Randi looks bigger....quite a bit bigger." I would have tried to cover her ears, but that would have caused muscle spasms so I crooned, "Oh Randi, he just called you fat." No dummy, my dad responded, "No, no I didn't. I just said she looks bigger." I think he's right. I think Randi is bigger, but I'm not sure what else to do about it.
In other weight news, I did a major rookie move at the doctor's yesterday. I got on the scale and it showed quite a bit heavier. I said, "That's not right! Not right." The nurse didn't really care. Then I realized I had weighed myself wearing my purse, shoes, and heavy coat! I was kind of loopie so I asked if I could weight my purse to see how much I really weighed. The nurse was said no, I could take off my purse and re-weigh myself, but that seemed like a lot of work so I opted to imagine my purse weighed 8 pounds.
In other weight news, I did a major rookie move at the doctor's yesterday. I got on the scale and it showed quite a bit heavier. I said, "That's not right! Not right." The nurse didn't really care. Then I realized I had weighed myself wearing my purse, shoes, and heavy coat! I was kind of loopie so I asked if I could weight my purse to see how much I really weighed. The nurse was said no, I could take off my purse and re-weigh myself, but that seemed like a lot of work so I opted to imagine my purse weighed 8 pounds.
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| Randi as a bolster pillow Saturday night. |
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| Shila in her I'm most comfortable position |
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| Side view of the most comfortable position |
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| What I was cleaning up when I hurt myself |
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| I don't know how this dog could be any cuter |
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| Proof that everyone was discombobled Sunday because normally Jessica is not a dog magnet. |
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| How my dad did dishes yesterday |
Monday, May 6, 2013
That In Which the Hapless Heroine Gets A Week Off Of Work
Last week I feeling a little overwhelmed by the fact that I was running every where and didn't have time to do anything and I haven't been home in what seemed like weeks. It was so bad that on Wednesday, after having been up at 1:30am stressed about how I was going to get everything done, I cancelled my college class because I thought, I just can't do that today too.
Saturday I walked 8.25 miles - six minutes faster than I had a month ago. I planted my garden (though I didn't put in the water system because I was tired) and I watched a movie and stressed out because I didn't think I'd be able to finish my book before the library was going to take it back.
Sunday morning I got up, made coffee, started a load of laundry when I noticed that suds were coming out of the washer everywhere. I quickly grabbed a towel and got down on the floor to mop it up when my back collapsed. That's the best word. It went from straight to concave. I screamed. Randi and Earl came running. I yelled some more. Randi licked my face. I tried to get up. Earl licked my face. I finally managed to get myself in a seated position and tried to reach for my phone, but that didn't work. Randi and Earl continued the licking. Eventually I was able to get up and get in a chair and I called Sara and Bill and told them that I wasn't going to be walking. Then I hobbled to my room where I took a muscle relaxer and pain pill and called my dad and asked for some help.
My mom promptly came over and exercised her tried and true method of non-stop talking until you submit to whatever she wants. She got my walker out of the garage so that I could at least get around some. I couldn't even stand up without it yesterday. I screamed and grunted every time I had to get up or out of bed. I took more pain pills. My mom talked about calling an ambulance. I said, "No." The dogs proceeded to be the four most annoying dogs in the world. Unsure of what was going on, they paced, jumped, demanded to be outside on a rotating basis; so as soon as someone would sit down the next one would be at the door wanting out. My mom insisted I have a babysitter while she went to dinner with her friends and Sara and Jessica came over to babysit me and then my mom came back and spent the night with me in case I fell out of the bed. That could have been possible, but with the muscle relaxer and pain pill combo, there's no moving at all.
This morning my dad took me to the doctor, where I could at least walk around without the walker and the doctor said pretty much that the monkeys had been too active jumping on the bed and I had hurt myself. No, duh. I had an X-ray that showed that nothing was wrong with the gigantor pins and bolts in my back. She gave me more pain medicine, a shot for pain and swelling, a prescription for prednisone and an off work notice for one week.
The good news is that I didn't do anything to my back and I'll definitely be home enough to finish my book before it needs to go back to the library. No way I could drive right now. First, I'm all doped up on pain meds and second, my back is still cramping. I'm moving a lot better today than I was yesterday, but I still look like I belong in the geriatric wing of my house. The bad news is, well, there's quite a bit of pain involved, but that's about all the bad I can come up with. I'm not sad about having an unexpected guilt free week from both my jobs. Sure, I'd rather not be grimacing in pain every time I move, but I'll take it.
Saturday I walked 8.25 miles - six minutes faster than I had a month ago. I planted my garden (though I didn't put in the water system because I was tired) and I watched a movie and stressed out because I didn't think I'd be able to finish my book before the library was going to take it back.
Sunday morning I got up, made coffee, started a load of laundry when I noticed that suds were coming out of the washer everywhere. I quickly grabbed a towel and got down on the floor to mop it up when my back collapsed. That's the best word. It went from straight to concave. I screamed. Randi and Earl came running. I yelled some more. Randi licked my face. I tried to get up. Earl licked my face. I finally managed to get myself in a seated position and tried to reach for my phone, but that didn't work. Randi and Earl continued the licking. Eventually I was able to get up and get in a chair and I called Sara and Bill and told them that I wasn't going to be walking. Then I hobbled to my room where I took a muscle relaxer and pain pill and called my dad and asked for some help.
My mom promptly came over and exercised her tried and true method of non-stop talking until you submit to whatever she wants. She got my walker out of the garage so that I could at least get around some. I couldn't even stand up without it yesterday. I screamed and grunted every time I had to get up or out of bed. I took more pain pills. My mom talked about calling an ambulance. I said, "No." The dogs proceeded to be the four most annoying dogs in the world. Unsure of what was going on, they paced, jumped, demanded to be outside on a rotating basis; so as soon as someone would sit down the next one would be at the door wanting out. My mom insisted I have a babysitter while she went to dinner with her friends and Sara and Jessica came over to babysit me and then my mom came back and spent the night with me in case I fell out of the bed. That could have been possible, but with the muscle relaxer and pain pill combo, there's no moving at all.
This morning my dad took me to the doctor, where I could at least walk around without the walker and the doctor said pretty much that the monkeys had been too active jumping on the bed and I had hurt myself. No, duh. I had an X-ray that showed that nothing was wrong with the gigantor pins and bolts in my back. She gave me more pain medicine, a shot for pain and swelling, a prescription for prednisone and an off work notice for one week.
The good news is that I didn't do anything to my back and I'll definitely be home enough to finish my book before it needs to go back to the library. No way I could drive right now. First, I'm all doped up on pain meds and second, my back is still cramping. I'm moving a lot better today than I was yesterday, but I still look like I belong in the geriatric wing of my house. The bad news is, well, there's quite a bit of pain involved, but that's about all the bad I can come up with. I'm not sad about having an unexpected guilt free week from both my jobs. Sure, I'd rather not be grimacing in pain every time I move, but I'll take it.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Two, Deux, Dos
Last week Max turned two! Yea Max!! To say Max's birthday was a fucking disaster would not be exaggerating. It was a damn miserable day. My parents did their best and purchased everything online and at Toys R Us that was within two years of being age appropriate including but limited to: a 4x4 truck, a basketball hoop, a bike (that they gave him a month ago because they couldn't stand it) and everything Thomas the Train available. I didn't even want to get the Little Guy anything. I said "Dad, it's too much." He said, "It can never be too much." While opening presents most of the adults in the room tried to pretend that we were having a good time, but that degenerated into hysterical screaming when my mom put the Thomas the Train cake on the table and Max couldn't have the "choo-choos." Hysterical screaming became full-blown hysterical crying when the birthday boy accidentally stuck his fingers in his cake and scared himself during the birthday song. After that the whole evening just degenerated into screaming. Happy fucking Birthday.
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| Beep- Beep |
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| Doing as good as the Lakers |
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| Distraught over the cake |
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| Happy about his Thomas the Train backpack. |
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| With Aunt Beth who is now blond. |
The second part of the birthday week was going to the train museum at Griffith park. My dad thought it was funny, funny, funny that he was taking me to the train museum, since I have been vocal about how boring I think trains are. At the train museum, I looked around and said, "Yup, trains are boring." While looking around I noticed that all of the visitors to the train museum happened to have a Y chromosome. One dad walked his daughter up to the model train display where the toddlers were overcome with joy at watching the model trains and said to her, "Do you want to look at the trains?" And she yelled, "NO!" And walked away. I thought, you go girl! Max had a great time and learned to say "All aboard!" but I stand by my original assertion that trains are fucking boring.
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| All Aboard |
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| A dog a guy tied up. Not gonna lie, I kinda like this picture. |
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| Choo-choo |
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