Pre-Op

This morning I went for my pre-op appointments. It was some good times. I didn't expect to be nervous and I certainly didn't expect to feel like I was going to jump out of my skin or drive off the road from shaking so hard or burst into tears at inopportune moments. I was a wreck. It didn't help matters that my labs got fucked up because the lab didn't do the blood tests on Friday and had no record of my urine capture. I had to hurry to the lab so they could do all of my tests, STAT, so that my surgery wouldn't be postponed. I was such a basket case when I walked into the lab the ladies said, "Are you ok?"

Then I had to check-in to the hospital where I was scolded for taking Advil yesterday and for not putting my medicines on my form. The RN check-in nurse was all in a dither because the doctor did not order a pregnancy test. She shouted across the hall "Hey Phyllis, a 36 year old woman and he didn't order a pregnancy test?!" I said, "I'm not pregnant." Her position was that St. Mary's, the catholic hospital, could not take my word that I had not been a filthy whore in the past month and that unless one of my bodily fluids could confirm I was not pregnant, then the hospital could not go forward with my surgery. I thought, you took Mary's word that she was a virgin and pregnant with God's child, surely I deserve the same kind of courtesy. But apparently not so much, because tomorrow they're going to do a 'dip' test. After that I had to have my blood taken AGAIN. I hate having my blood taken! It makes me faint nearly every time. This time I got a bracelet and the instructions not to take it off because if I did I'd have to get my blood drawn again. I said, "Oh this shit ain't coming off. Don't you worry."

Not to mention that in the first 150 pagesof Tripwire, Jack Reacher still has not killed anyone with brilliant violence. Jack Reacher has let me down today.

In order to calm down, I went to my mom's house to visit with the Cutest Baby in the World, who spends most of his time being eating and sleeping and generally being fantastic. I've been packing my bags this evening and Saturday when I was trying to organize what to take, I didn't bullshit around and went straight to the Hospital Stay Expert, Jessica, who has been a guest of St. Mary's three times already this year. (She's got some kind of preferred card, I think.) She said that I should pack a robe, slippers and snacks. I didn't have any of those things and with my limited time and size options all I could find at Wal-Mart was a fucking moo-moo. I bought matching slippers.

Hospital Couture