Bravo TV

Sometimes Earl and I like to imagine ourselves in a Bravo reality TV show. A real one because a reality show of my actual life could only be watched by insomniacs or those high on hallucinogenics. Why Earl? Simple. Sarah could not possibly waste a moment imagining a life wherein there might be real men when this obviously is not going to happen. Clark is so damn needy clingy, he couldn't imagine a scenario that would take more of my attention away from him. (Really, if Clark were a guy, I'd have kicked him to the curb years ago for needy clingy-ness.) Randi has not the attention span and so that leaves Earl and since he smokes a large amount of pot, I figure he must have a good imagination.

Reality Show #1: The Realhouswives-
New York-impossible, the Pack could not possibly live in an apartment, even if we went weekly to our enormous house in the Hamptons.

New Jersey- a possibility, but I've never seen any fences at those houses. It could be a whole episode where I whine to my rich husband about how I need a fence for my pack of dogs, so they don't run away. No, better would be the episode in which we move the pack of dogs and EDub and PDub across the country.

Atlanta- I really, really want to be a real housewife of Atlanta. I don't think that there are fences at their houses, but I think I would score major bonus points for speaking French. Actually, I think in any city I would score major bonus points for speaking French- for some reason people are always impressed with this. (The conversation usually goes "You teach French? So do you, like, speak it?" To which I always want to reply "No, I just play a tape." ) I particularly like the Atlanta housewives because they are not so smart and just ghetto.

Orange County- Even in our fantasies, Earl and I are practical and this is our favorite housewife fantasy because we can imagine ourselves in a huge ranch with room for EDub and PDub as well as some chickens. I could still visit my mom and dad and I could have a cool (part time) job at a high school and come back to Apple Valley every month for book club.

In all of the housewife scenarios, we have a doggie door and I have a huge ass sewing room with a long-arm quilting machine, a lap pool and Wüstof knives (for cooking, not sewing, but since I'm so rich I could use them for sewing also.) Also all the shallow housewives are jealous because I craft and they come over regularly so I can show them how to make something by hand. Occasionally I make them go with me fabric shopping and they complain that I'm so crazy. I tell my husband I don't want any jewelry, but a bike and this is a whole episode because all the other housewives are scandalized-who does that? Sometimes I talk in French and my accent is perfect and they have to put subtitles at the bottom.

Reality Show Deux: The Millionaire Matchmaker-

This is where Patty just starts yelling at me: YOU HAVE FOUR DOGS AND TWO DUCKS! NO MAN WANTS A GIRL WITH FOUR DOGS AND TWO DUCKS. OR WHO RIDES BIKES. NO ONE CARES YOU CAN RIDE A BIKE. LUCKILY YOU SPEAK FRENCH. THAT CAN BE SEXY. SPEAK SOME FRENCH ON YOUR FIRST DATE. SOMEONE MIGHT LIKE THAT.

Reasons me and the Pack will never be a Real Housewife of any city or on the Millionaire Matchmaker:

1. I do not meet the weight requirement.
2. I do not meet the silicone requirement.
3. I have four dogs and two ducks and live in Apple Valley.