Comedy on bikes tour

Today could quite possibly have been the funniest day on bikes in a long time. None of the names have been changed.

Nick Viselli shows up and he's ready to ride, but hasn't ridden in a month. (This means nothing. This means his body has had one month to turn into more of a butt kicking machine.) The cable on his front fork is attached with a plastic trash bag he found out in the desert on the last bike ride. He has only three gears because his bike isn't shifting properly. There's something wrong with his break and it is rubbing. All this means that you may be able to keep Nick Viselli in your sites.

Alas, we stop for water at the very end of the ride. I am tired. I am exhausted. I am more tired than I have been in a long time and just want someone to go get a damn truck and pick me up. Nevertheless, I see that Nick has this red cap sticking out of his reverse fanny pack. "Nick, is that a ketchup bottle you got there?" I ask. And in the most matter of fact voice, he replies,

"No, it's a bottle from the gel for my ultrasound. When I use up all the gel, I just reuse the bottle and put different stuff in it. This one's got a tea bag." And he swishes the bottle.

At this point, I don't know what to think. I look at Pete, then I look at Bill and I say, "Is this a true story? Is he telling the truth?" Bill turns to Nick and says, "Nick. Nobody does that." But Nick has more explanations.

"No, I use the ultrasound on my ankle and my knee and so when I'm done I just put the gel bottles in the dishwasher and they come out clean." Then he unzipps a pocket and pulls out another ultrasound gel bottle. "Like this one has pomegranate juice in it."

At this point I can't take it any more and am hunched over my handle bars crying because I'm laughing so hard. Not only is he using the bottles for water bottles, but he has an ultrasound machine. I said, "This is the best story ever." Pete disagreed because he thought Nick's plan to retire and farm pine nuts was the best story ever. Meanwhile Nick is still talking about his ultrasound, but leads into how some people wanted to go out on their pine nut farm and he said "Sure, we're not going to get up there this month." Cut to we're back at the car and I'm still laughing and I say to Joy, Nick's wife, "He's killing me with his water bottles." She says, "Oh yeah, it's a straight shot, but you have to be careful you don't squirt yourself too hard." Before we leave, I mention again how Nick is killing me with his water bottles and he mentions he's being recruited for all different kinds of rugby teams and is going to be playing rugby in Vegas in a couple of weeks. I said, "Are you gonna take your water bottles?" "Oh yeah, I've got all kinds of different concoctions for each one." Then, he and Joy mentioned that they have not only one ultrasound machine, but TWO. One in Apple Valley and one in Reno. Of course they do. Fucking Nick Viselli. I would not be surprised if one day was like, "Oh yeah, we've got Zebras. We've had them since we built the one room log cabin by hand. We use them for aqua therapy."

But at breakfast as Pete and I were trying to explain Facebook to Clarence (age 72-75ish, former teacher) he says, "And like every typical young teacher sleeping with his students, you don't want to have those pictures out there."

Pete said when Clarance was teaching it was a different time.

Nick Viselli's Water Bottle: