Consequences

Because Earl is a Mob Boss and a general jerkoff sometimes, like this morning when he went after Sarah and hit her with his paw, causing her hip to go out and her to slide across the cement, I am now the girl with a Pack of dogs who has to feed them separately. Sometime today Mob Boss Earl went after Clark, causing him to cower in the garage curled up in the dog fetal position so badly he wouldn't even come out even after I came home and called for him. Before I found him hiding in the fetal position still shaking, I had a moment where I pictured him dead in the mass of dense weeds, or dead from internal bleeding due to injuries caused by the Mob Boss. Weeds, incidentally, that I remarked last night to Randi and Earl could hide a dead animal for days before we found it. Geez, for all I know there could be all kinds of dead things out there.* I do not like the idea of finding any dead animals in my yard. Lucky for me I had just spent $85 at Wal Mart on animal food, including canned food because I had noticed that Clarky seemed not to be eating and I let him in and fed him and then he perked up and wagged his tail. He is currently curled up in the dog fetal position shaking on my bed.

So now I will have this routine: Let the Pack in and run around while Sarah eats outside by herself. Because Sarah does not take the Mob Boss shit. Even after he knocked her over this morning, she was still fiesty as ever and she and Earl both know if she were younger she would kick his bully ass. Then I'll have to let Clark in and feed him separately because he does not like the Mob Boss.

I do not like this because this is an inconvenient pain in the ass.

*Several years ago I was at a conference in Vegas and it snowed a foot while I was gone. Four days later after the snow had melted I discovered that Clark and Sarah had killed a cat while I was gone. It's carcass explained the mysterious scratches on both dogs. I followed the dead animal protocal and called my dad who said, as is typical Big Guy, "Well, you're gonna need to get a shovel." ** Also, several years ago, Clark and Sarah attacked a crow. I can't even explain how that happened and I saw it. Clark had crow feathers in his mouth. The crow then was maimed and in my backyard and his crow buddies were circling above ready to attack. I called my dad because the crow was unable to fly and unable to get out of my yard and I feared for my life because of its crow cronies and he said, "Here's what you need to do. You're gonna need a shovel. Then hit it over the head." I did get a shovel, but I tried (screaming the entire time) to get the crow to get on the shovel to take it out to the front yard. The crow was less than obliging and it stayed maimed in my yard until it managed to get into the neighbor's yard and they called animal control.

Sarah. Somewhere underneath is the dead cat.

Ha ha

The Truth

I don't like little dogs. If they weigh under five pounds and especially if they are dressed in clothes and carried in purses.

I just don't get the point.

Wildflowers

Given the fact that it has become increasingly difficult to locate any member of the Pack who is under 3ft tall due to the extensive wildflowers that have grown up in the backyard, I have institute a new policy whereby I have to eradicate three trash barrels of wildflowers a day until I can once again see Sarah in the yard. Save charging admission to the wildflower patches, this seems like the only option. And since no one comes to the Saratoga Animal Shelter even when it's free, I can't see someone paying an entrance fee. If I were an inventor I would invent little hula hos that could go on dogs' feet so that they could hula ho as they were running around. Or I would invent a spray that I could spray on the wildflowers to make them tasty enough for the Pack to eat. Or maybe I'll simply get a goat. Three barrels full is a random amount, but about all I have the attention span for doing at one time.

Earl is sick. I don't know what's wrong with him, but he's hacking and coughing. Maybe he's just hungover or has Kennel Cough again, though I don't know how he could have gotten it since he has not recently been incarcerated.

EDub laid this morning's egg by the wheelbarrow. Perhaps she's going to choose a different place every day in the hopes that I won't find it. I didn't get to look for Easter eggs this year, so I am all over this activity. You'd think she'd realize that in terms of reasoning and critical thinking skills I way out do her and she's just choose one spot. Or maybe she didn't like the golf ball I put where she laid yesterday's eggs.

Eggs Part Deux

These damn wiley ducks threw me off their tracks and laid eggs in the weeds surrounding the half dead tree. What I know for certain-these eggs were not there last Sunday. I do not believe that they were there before yesterday. I might try to eat them. In any case, maybe they'll lay more now that I know what they're doing. Since I collected them all, I'm going to put out a golf ball so they know where to go. Also, they eggs are WAY bigger than the last ones.

The really white one is a chicken egg from the store. The one right next to is the one I believe was laid last and will be the one I try to eat.

Fun with Photos

Earl- after I wrestled him away from the cake.

Earl's eye.

Me and Randi - I had to put a choke hold on her to get her to sit still.

Clark on high alert against a possible duck coup.

Randi, the morning of my birthday challenge.

A Brief History of the Animal Shelter

I've been asked several times in the past few weeks how exactly I got four dogs. I will explain.

What had happened was....

Many years ago I went to school in Fresno and met my friend Erinn.* She had a super cute dog named Sarah. Sarah would come and illegally visit me in my apartment. She was known for her Houdini abilities to get out of anywhere and could jump up into your arms from a dead sit on the floor if you tapped on your chest. She was awesome. And so it happened that I ended up coming back to Apple Valley to teach and Erinn was going off to basic training for six weeks and I said I'd watch Sarah. Sarah spent much of her time escaping from my house in Victorville. I felt bad for her because she was by herself all day long and I knew she'd be leaving soon, so I went to the animal shelter and picked out a puppy who had one ear sticking up and one out to the side. My sister named him Clark and my cousin who was 2 at the time cemented his name by calling him "Cark, Cark." Thus began the Clark and Sarah years.

Clark spent much of his young puppy weeks being drug around the yard by latching onto Sarah's collar and she would pull him around. They spent many a happy hour escaping from that yard. Then, one day I got home from work and found a paper stapled to the front door saying "This house will be auctioned in 30 days." Needless to say, Clark, Sarah and I frantically packed boxes and moved to the house on Cibola which had, among other things, an entire back yard filled with goat heads. Clark and Sarah got very good and picking thorns out of their paws. We had many an adventure there, like when I bought $150 worth of plants for a garden and built raised beds and came home to find that Clark had eaten every single plant. I'm not afraid to admit that I cried. Clark and Sarah also spent several a happy hour escaping from the house on Cibola. Then Erinn came home from basic training 11 months later and decided Sarah was better with me and left her. We were there about a year when I tore my right ACL (again) doing yoga. (Yes, yoga.) So Clark, Sarah and I decided to move back home with mom and dad while I saved up some money to buy a house.

My mom and dad's house was like Club Med because Sarah had a man in the house and tortillas, and cheese and hot dogs on demand. But we were there about a year when we moved into this house. My first business as a homeowner was to chicken wire the fence. Which I did, wiring the chicken wire to the fence about every foot or so. It only took Houdini about 1 day to pull the chicken wire away from the fence and escape into the neighbor yard with Clark on her heels. I fixed that problem and then Clark and Sarah and I had happy times until I went to France and they moved back to my mom and dad's. Sarah was not happy when I got home from France.

After France it was quite peaceful for about a year and then I started having a string of animal related rescues. There was the dog I found walking and since I didn't want it to get hit by a car, I carried it all the way back home. Then there was the dog, "Chiller," I called him who showed up at my house. He was here for three days and I would have kept him, but when I called the animal control they had already had him reported lost. As it turned out he belonged to my student and had walked miles to my house.

And then it happened. One day I was sewing and Clark and Sarah started barking like crazy and when I looked out my door there were two puppies at the gate. They were pathetic. You could see every rib; every bone, but they were like "Hey, you gonna let us in?" And I did. I fed and watered them and they ate more in two days than Clark and Sarah in a week. I briefly considered taking them to the animal shelter, because I knew that four dogs was crazy. But when I got home they were so lovey that I thought maybe this is a sign and I should keep them. I gave them people names and a much needed bath. Earl was smaller than Clark and about half of Randi's size. I called Pete and Steff to see if they could help me get them adopted. We took pictures. They destroyed shit. We took more pictures. They destroyed more shit. Josh bet me that I wasn't going to be rid of them by Christmas. They destroyed more shit. Christmas came and I had to buy lunch. Randi got adopted and then unadopted the next day. (That's what happens to bad girls-unadoption.) They grew like weeds.

And so that is the history of the Saratoga Animal Shelter and how I got four dogs.

Clark and Sarah enjoy life while I was in France.

Randi on day one.

Earl on day one.

(*For the full Erinn story you would have to ask Jack or Damien who are two of the only people who have ever met her. She is a legend.)

Cocktails

No surprise that cocktail hour(s) ended with Randi having hummus on her nose and Earl knocking the bowl on the floor and licking it clean.

Overall, a rather tame cocktail hour.

Totals

35 laps in the pool
350 sit ups
350 push ups
18 miles mountain bike miles
36.3 and 20.6 (35km) road bike miles
3.5 mile walk

36.3 miles

and I'm spent. No mountain biking for me today-I had to save some energy for cleaning up before cocktails tomorrow. I was amazed though, that I felt as good as I did riding. It took less time than I expected, but I was very happy to see my house again. I don't know if I'll be able to do it again tomorrow. May the force be with me.

Exhausted

Well I've completed the walk 18 miles of the mountain bike 220 push ups and 210 sit ups and I'm dang tired. Every muscle hurts this morning. This morning's road bike ride is going to be a mental challenge. And this afternoon's mountain bike ride? That's a definite not possibility.

Thursday when I got home I was so tired I crashed in the bed and it wasn't until the middle of the night that I realized that Sarah wasn't in the house and I couldn't remember if I'd even seen her when I got home. I though, oh no, did she die and I didn't even notice? Because it is not like Sarah to remain outside without a certain amount of vocalizing, particularly when Earl is outside as well, as he was. But I was so tired I thought well, nothing I can do about it now, I'll just find her body stuffed in a wedge in a garage and figure it out. Luckily a little while later I heard two short piercing barks and realized she was still alive and Earl was probably looking at her and all was well.

EDub and PDub have not eaten any mice. They suck.

Swim

35 laps in the pool- done!
60- situps
30 pushups



We've also established the roles of the various members of the Pack.

Randi-banished from any activity because she is bad girl and is not helpful at all during sit ups and push ups because she has the attention span of a gnat.

Sarah- 35 minutes of barking at nothing

Clark- sitting on my lap for comfort

Earl- helping me count sit ups and push ups and finding various shoes or whatever else I can't find.

PDub and EDub- eating 35 mice.

Birthday Challenge Eve

On the eve of my birthday challenge, I had the most exciting news a girl with four dogs, two ducks and family of unwanted mice could have. Ducks can and will eat mice! Patricio el principal told me today that ducks and chickens can swallow mice whole! Just gobble them right up. A mouse shooter, if you will. He said he's never actually seen this phenomenon, but he read about it and Stephen confirmed. I am now going to be in the market for a flock of ducks and chickens to eat away the mice that have come in search of food. Depending on the zoning laws. Then I just might not feed EDub and PDub and tell them to earn their food.

Just thought of having her hooha basted with mineral oil by a bunch of teenagers has scared PDub into acting normal because she is back to walking around the yard, swimming and generally being the happy go lucky duck that she is. I am also thrilled about this, but a bit disappointed I don't get to take my duck to school with me. Because that's not something you get to do often.

This morning when I walked outside I found a pigeon in the driveway. No, it was not dead as I first expected, instead she had laid an egg in my driveway. True story. I took a picture because who would believe a pigeon would lay an egg in my driveway of all places. I tried to move it over, but it obviously was not done drying out and it squished open. I screamed, just as the garbage man was pulling up to my house.

I'm already to start the birthday challenge tomorrow at 4:30am with the 35 lap swim. The afternoon will be a 3.5 mile walk and a mountain bike ride after that. If I can do four mountain bike rides I'll make the miles. After dinner this evening, I'm going to consult with the Pack and see how they want to help me out. Possibly by chewing up 35 objects or eating 35 chew bones. We'll have to discuss it because I'm not sure there are 35 objects left in the garage to chew up and I don't have 35 chew bones. Maybe we can work something out, like they eat 35 clumps of weeds.

"It's Birthday Challenge, not Birthday Pretty Easy," as Patricio is always saying.

Duck Vetrinary Services

First, Nick Viselli's wonder kids did a great job in the front yard, meaning it is back to desert brown instead of desert weed green. When he called me at 7:30am (to ask where I was-school starts at 7:00am, so I was, of course, at school) he wanted to know what was wrong with the Pack that they didn't even bark at him. I said, yeah, they knew it was you and they were going to need to conserve their energy to get through the day playing with Nick Viselli because he's hard core. Well they conserved too much because they are not even tired. Maybe tomorrow when Nick's in the backyard.

PDub. As I've mentioned, PDub has been acting a bit strange. I talked to Stephen about it today at lunch and he said PDub could have a cold and that's why she's sneezing. Or maybe she is 'egg bound' which means that her eggs are stuck and not exactly doing what they should be and in that case it is serious and ducks "go pretty fast" when they get sick. I said, what? He said I needed to feel PDub's belly to see if there are any eggs in there and if there are then she would need some medical attention. I said, am I gonna have to take the duck to the vet? How do I take her? He suggested a leash or putting her in a cat carrier, if the vet even will look at a duck. Immediately I started to worry thinking that I was going to have a deceased duck on my hands when I got home, so I said, maybe I'll need to go home and get her and bring her back to the staff meeting. Sometimes people bring their kids to the staff meeting, why couldn't I bring my duck? Promptly after lunch I marched myself up to the principal's office and said my duck is sick, I might go home and get her and bring her to the staff meeting. The principal, who is new to poultry husbandry himself having just got a bunch of chickens said, well hopefully she won't just fall over and die like my chicken. I said, hopefully not because I will have to scream a lot.

I didn't have enough time to run home to check out PDub before the staff meeting, so I did the next best thing and spoke to Duane the Ag and FFA teacher and I explained that I thought my duck was sick. He said I needed to see if she had a respiratory infection because this is what you have to look out for with birds and he suggested I listen to her and see if she had any nasal discharge as well as feel for stuck eggs. I then asked what should I do if I feel eggs. He said, "Well, you go to CVS and get some mineral oil and then you're going to need a turkey baster. Then you're going to have to stick it up her hooha..." He said hooha. I stopped Duane right there and said, wait can I bring the duck to school and your kids do that for some kind of 'project'? He said, oh yeah. We've had to do that to an iguana once.

Duane is the shit.

And so, it is within the realm of possibility that tomorrow or Wednesday, PDub will be taking a field trip in a cat carrier to school with me to have her hooha basted with mineral oil by some kids in the vet science class. Imaginez: Me and my duck. Me and my duck walking into the Ag class. Me saying "Hi kids, here's my duck, PDub. Baste away." Someone taking a picture of me and my duck in the cat carrier, because you can't pass up an opportunity for photos like that. My duck spending quality time in French II and III. Le canard. Le canard noir. Le canard malade. Mademoiselle est folle. I told the principal after the meeting that my duck might be coming to school with me tomorrow. He said, "Do what you gotta do."

Lucky for me and PDub she is much more active today. I picked her up and felt narry a stuck egg. There seems to be no nasal discharge and she is eating. Additionally, I'm afraid she may suffer some kind of duck heart attack in the cat carrier since she was shaking horribly when I triaged her.

I am kinda excited about taking my duck to school though. Maybe she could be like those dogs that go in the little purses and I could just start taking her everywhere- Stater Bros., Wal-Mart, restaurants.

Snuggled

This Week at the Saratoga Animal Shelter

• Gale force hurricane winds do the pool in. All of the poles came out and when I got home it was a bit decimated.

• Tuesday in the middle of the night I mistook Clark for Randi and used him as a pillow causing Clark to growl and me to wonder what he was growling at when he was snuggled nicely at the top of the bed. When I woke up and realized I had been using him as a pillow I got it. Clark doesn't like to be used as a pillow whereas Randi thinks that is great fun.
• Wednesday Pete and Evan came over to help me with the pool. Pete forgot to close the gate firmly and Randi went on the Tour de Quartier at full speed for about 15 minutes before I cornered her in the truck by the access road. Pete and Evan helped me fix the pool, by pretty much fixing the pool and becoming my heroes. They got in the empty pool and Pete patched the holes that the wind had ripped and Evan used his monster shop-vac to suck up all of the dirt. I started to put water in my newly amazing pool, but I found another rip, so I'm going to have to patch that up. Also on Wednesday, Mob Boss Earl attacked Puppy Clark. When I let Clark in he had a rip on his nose and his entire neck area was covered in slobber layered with sand. Apparently Earl gnawed on Clark for a bit. Other than the initial moment of being traumatized he's fine.
• Thursday EDub attacked PDub in the pool. She kept biting at PDub's neck-so violently that PDub's neck was being forced back and forth and I had to open the door and yell "Knock it off!" at which point EDub flew out of the pool and PDub did some kind of weird fall onto her chest. I don't know what's wrong with that duck.
  
• Big day tomorrow here because Nick Viselli is going to be back out with his wonder kids to transform the "beautiful wild flower fields" into a decent backyard. Additionally, the Pack will be wore out when I get home. (Aside-when Nick called to tell me he'd be out he told me that over break he got his truck stuck in the mud and stuck in the snow in Utah and spent about five hours digging out his truck. "And of course, everyone looks to me and says 'how long do you think it will take you to hike out and get help?'" I told Nick that's what he gets for being super fit.)
  

The Birthday Challenge

With my birthday less than two weeks away some decisions had to be made regarding my Birthday Challenge. Here they are:

To review the BDC is:

350 situps
350 push ups
35 mile mountain bike ride
70 mile road bike ride
35 laps in the pool
3.5 quilts
Lose 35 lbs.

Unless I get some kind of crazy Thinner-esque tapeworm beginning tonight (which I'm not against), I'm not going to make the 35 lbs weight loss. Lest I be a complete chunky girl failure, and counting somewhat liberally, I have completed the 3.5 quilts. I made a quilt for my sister and her husband. I quilted a quilt I was going to give to Bobby, but it was too asymmetrical to gift and I made a wall hanging. If you count the cutting as part, then I have also completed 50% of another quilt.

A modified birthday challenge will take place over 3.5 days beginning at 4:30am on my birthday, Thursday, April 15 with the 35 lap swim. (Why 4:30am? Because any other time of the day will just piss me off at the pool at the gym because people are in there with their damn floaties and water noodles. It doesn't say "Floatie and Water Noodle Pool"- it says Lap Pool, but apparently not every one at the 24 Hour Fitness in Apple Valley can read and comprehend. I'm sure they can sound out "Lap Pool"- they just don't understand what that means.)

I have decided to still try and complete all of the miles in the mountain bike and road bike categories, though not at one time, thus:

Thursday afternoon I'll do a mountain bike ride.

Friday I will do a 3.5 mile walk/hike in the afternoon. I'm also going to try a mountain bike ride either before or after.

Saturday morning- 35 mile road bike ride and afternoon mountain bike ride.

Sunday morning- Another 35 mile road bike ride and early afternoon mountain bike ride. (This is ambitious, I know, but I'm going to try-it is supposed to be a challenge.)

If I don't feel up do doing a whole extra mountain bike ride I will try to ride 35% of the ride Chad and I did Wednesday. This shouldn't be hard to make the 35% because I will have to push my bike quite a bit. (I will lure Chad to this portion with the promise of carne asada. I might even make it part of my hike and scatter Mary's tacos along the route so he knows I'm serious.)

If it is windy the road bike ride will consist of 3.5 miles to breakfast. Because I hate riding in the wind and no one needs to be a hero.

Sunday April 18 at 4:00pm the Saratoga Animal Shelter will host an open bar cocktail hour(s) for anyone who wishes to attend. NO PRESENTS. (Unless your present is free weed abatement, helping me with my pool or tickets to the Stagecoach Festival. Then you are welcome to bring presents.)

Circumstantial Evidence

Yesterday at breakfast during our discussion of whether or not pot should be legal, Pete said that just because Earl looks high some of the time doesn't mean he is smoking pot. True. It is a fact that I have never seen Earl smoking pot. I've never witnessed him with a bong or a joint or any other pot related paraphernalia. I've never seen him lighting up. What does that prove? He doesn't have thumbs, it would be hard for him to hold anything. I have however, witnessed the dog exit the house and come back in smelling like smoke. None of the other dogs do this. No other member of the Pack has that vacant look on his face. Ever. I say there's enough circumstantial evidence to say the dog smokes pot. Even if we put everyone on the witness stand and cross examined them we would have to admit that Randi has a huge bias and couldn't be trusted to tell the truth. Clark would be so intimidated by possible repercussions he couldn't tell the truth and Sarah, well, Sarah has a vested interest in seeing Randi and Earl re-incarcerated and would make up anything she could to make that happen. Who's going to tell an old dog she's lying? This leaves me and I say the dog is high. Case closed.

In other news, the most exciting event at the Saratoga Animal Shelter today was when I watched EDub this morning spend about five minutes trying to figure out how to jump up and get on the ghetto retaining wall where PDub was already perched. She went from side to side. She craned her neck. She made a weak attempt at jumping, but none of her fine thinking could puzzle it out and she remained on the ground, while PDub enjoyed the full morning sun a foot and a half higher up.

Continuing insanity

Reasons for PDub to be on top of the ghetto retaining wall.

1. She has gone insane.
2. She has decided to make her nest there.
3. She flew up and can't get down.
4. Who the hell knows.

But I did explain to her that:
1. It is a freaking crazy place for her to be.
2. It is a very bad place for her to make her nest.
3. She would have difficulty getting down since her "flying" or ever walking lately seems to involve some wing flapping and then falling on her chest which can not be comfortable.
4. It was a bad idea all around.

I would feel much better about the whole thing if I knew how she got up there, but I don't. I just picked her up and put her back on solid ground.