Nevermind

I don't have to worry about the second quiche because Earl just ate it. Took it off the fucking counter and ate it. Now he's drinking out of the toilet. I choose the white wine that my friend Julie gave me to go with mine. A chacun son fucking chapeau.

Duck Egg Quiche

Since my sister canceled her dinner party (quelle surprise), I went ahead and made my duck egg quiche. I sautéed mushrooms and onions and used gruyère cheese. (Brief moment to say how much I love using the accents on the Mac as opposed to PC. 2o0,000 times easier.) I actually had enough for two quiches. Who knows what I'll do with the second one. (Take it to 5th period, I guess. Those guys will eat anything.) In any case, it was quite delicious. I beat the eggs for a while, since the yolks are so thick and I was afraid it might come out heavy. Duck eggs are thick. There was no possibility of breaking it open with one hand à la when I worked at Jack-in-the-Box. (Gratuitous use of an accent mark.)

In the meantime, the eggs donors were busy on the hunt for who-knows-what. I have noticed that my backyard is free of ants, whereas normally you are being overun by ants, so maybe EDub is snacking on those. I know it's not mice because that would be useful.

Backyard Wildlife

In addition to the dozen finches, doves, pigeons and who knows what else kind of birds that frequent the little backyard for the duck food smorgasbord, I also have one hummingbird that comes religiously. Today it played in the water.

One time a hummingbird came in my house. It was before I had a screen door on the back of the house and he just flew right in. When I saw it I screamed because I thought that it was a gigantic moth or gigantic wasp or some other gigantic thing that was going to do me harm. Let me tell you, trying to capture a hummingbird in a house with cathedral ceilings is no easy task because hummingbirds do not sit still. I chased it around, but I got afraid it might have a hummingbird heart attack from the stress, so I ended up calling Bill to see if he had any sage wisdom. Unfortunately Bill had already been imbibing and didn't really have any sage advice other than giggles. Eventually the hummingbird got straight wore out and I captured him and put him back in the wild. I like wildlife better when it is not in my house.

I have taken an immense and deep satisfaction that after I put up the new 'duck' fence on Saturday, PDub and EDub have been unable to penetrate the garden walls. I am finally smarter than a duck. Also since yesterday when I reinstalled the wire fence along the cement they have not been on the patio, which has left my patio duck crap free. I like the ducks better when they just fertilize the grass.

I have eight eggs for my duck egg quiche. I would have had 13, but I didn't realize that EDub was laying eggs by the wheelbarrow for five days and had to throw those away. I'm trying to be smarter than them now, by checking every where for eggs every day. They're sneaky little bastards.

Desert Wildlife

Today Bill and I went for a 2.99 mile hike. (Had we made a loop around his truck it would have made 3.0 miles.) My leg did not go numb. It was extra-ordinary! Then we saw an amazing gigantic lizard. I said, "Look at that lizard!"because it was a strange gigantic lizard on steroids iguana looking thing. Bill said it was a chuckwalla and he could take us down in instant and so if he started to run so should I. Lucky for us, Bill's often full of shit and the chuckwalla did some push ups and then scurried into a rock. I did not have my camera, so here is another picture of the chuckwalla lizard. The picture doesn't do justice to his size. He was as big as a squirrel!

The chuckwalla lizard should not be confused with the chukar bird who also supposedly lives in the desert. I don't know anything about chukar except that one time Josh went on a hunting expedition for chukar and I had the image in my head of a little tweety- finch looking bird with huge eyes and Josh holding a glock sideways at him. It's one of my favorite completely made up images and still makes me laugh when I think about it. Turns out chukars are kinda weird looking.


We did not see any snakes. This is good because I hate snakes. I hate all types of snakes. Good snakes, non-poisonous snakes, water snakes, baby snakes, dead snakes, snake eggs and snake gumbo. When I see a snake I use what Bill calls my sonic weapon. Two weeks ago we were riding and nobody told me there was a snake and I screamed so loud Bill heard me almost a half a mile back. Turns out that particular snake had been run over by a previous cyclist and was near dead. I did not care and was upset that no one noticed the snake and didn't say, Bethany-snake, so I would know ahead of time. I'm not a diva when I am on the bike, but I do request prior notification for all snakes.

There are these types of snakes in the Mojave Desert:

Mojave Green: A very poisonous snake. He is green. I spend much of my bike rides and hikes listening for him and getting ready to scream should I need to. They sun in the morning and afternoons in the summer. If you go later in the morning you have less of a chance of seeing them, but I have seen lots of Mojave Greens. One time Bill almost stepped on one and I screamed. One time I nearly ran over one. I screamed. One time I heard one and I screamed.
Every other snakes: Some snakes are not poisonous and the bike guys like to tell me that I don't have to be afraid of these types of snakes, but I don't care. A snake is a snake is a snake.

I think one time Josh and I saw this snake.

We were hike-a-biking out at Sycamore Rocks in a canyon and all the sudden we saw the biggest snake I have ever seen in my life even in a zoo. He was at least 5 feet long and as fat as my forearm. I screamed. Josh screamed. We didn't know how we were going to get out of the canyon because he was in our way. Then I said, well at least he's not rattling and then he started to rattle. I screamed and jumped back and broke a nail. He scuttled under a rock and we high tailed it out of there. Then we saw another two other snakes on the way out, so when Josh drove home, I put my feet up on the dash in case one tried to jump in the car. I didn't want to take any chances.

High Wire

Earlier I watched some doves get it on. It went like this: the male dove cozied up to the female dove on the telephone wire. There was some too brief kissing and then he hopped on top of her for about two seconds after which there was awkward silence and distance. Then she tried to get him to kiss her again and he put even more distance between them. They were still sitting on the telephone wire in the awkward after mess when I came inside to make dinner. I hope he calls her.

Rough Day

Is it me or does EDub look a little harried?

PDub scales the fence.

Then she plays with her favorite toy, which I have now confiscated, fearing a disaster in which she eats it and then I have to take her for a very expensive trip to the vet. The background noise? Yeah, that's the gale force winds.

This morning PDub tried to use trickery to make me think she hadn't laid an egg by covering it up with sticks, but I was too smart for her and found it and put it in the frig. I gave my dad some ducks eggs last week and I asked him today if he wanted some more and he said very apologetically, "Uh, no, uh not really. I tried it but I wouldn't really eat them again." I said, "Dad, that's fine. I didn't lay the egg myself, so it's not like my feelings are hurt." Now I have five eggs in my frig which I am going to use to make a duck egg quiche this weekend.

Prom Picture

Prom pictures were delivered today! I did not know that chaperones could have their picture taken for free at prom, and since I'm always by myself, why would I have taken a picture of myself anyways. But this year Gretchen (left) grabbed me and said let's go! And so voilà my picture! I got a 5x7 and four wallets. I was a bit concerned that I wouldn't be able to find four friends who would want a wallet picture of me at prom, but I pressed three students into taking them. Good thing, because I'm not really sure I care about having a picture of me. Anywhere.

I also bought some more heavy duty wire to put up this afternoon to keep out the ducks, but I don't want to be outside because it's windy. It is so windy I couldn't get the door open on my truck to get in the car. It is so windy, I thought I was going to blow away on my way to the car. No duck fence repair today.

Though I am still being cautiously optimistic, I have had hardly any sciatic pain this week. Like on the pain scale it would be a 2, where I am normally at 7 or 8 and sometimes 9. This morning I even ran a mile! A whole mile without stopping and I don't hurt. This could be the most amazing advancement ever; particularly since Gretchen says she has one of the electric impulse machines at home that she'll let me use. I'll walk around with electrodes attached to my butt 24/7 if it means I can walk. Sure it might look bizarre, but I'm willing to take that chance. I might even be able to hike again this summer! Imagine!

(Pretty sure my boobs could not look bigger.)

Break-Ins

The number of times I have been outwitted by a duck during one commercial break: 3

The number of times I was previously outwitted by the same duck since I came home today: 3

The number of times Clark has ever opened the door with his nose, including just right now: 2!! It's a second Christmas miracle!!

Good news-I went to the chiropractor today and he used little electric suction cups on my sciatica and I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic, but afterward I ran/walked and I feel great! My leg didn't even go numb! And it hasn't gone numb since! I'm going to go back Friday, but this is most extraordinary.

Garden

Yesterday I finally got most of my garden planted. I choose some of the larger potted tomatoes at Lowe's to make it look like I had actually started much earlier. I didn't finish because I didn't put in the seeds for my sunflower patch. I did put up chicken wire around the garden in order to keep EDub and PDub from eating the garden. I have not been surprised, then, then I have had to kick EDub and PDub out of the garden at least 4 times since yesterday. PDub doesn't even run anymore. She just stands still and waits for me to pick her up and place her on the other side of the chicken wire. I'd go to Lowe's today and look for duck wire, but it's winter again. Rainy, 40 degrees and feels like 32 according to weather.com. I might have to make a fire to avoid freezing to death.

Why I'm going through duck food so damn fast.

Smart Bird

Once again, just the threat of having her privates basted, prompted PDub to into action and she laid an egg! I knew she could do it.

Overdue

If PDub doesn't lay an egg soon, I'm going to have to take her to get basted. Her belly's freaking huge! She's going to have to wait until after the fair because Duane and the Ag kids are all there eating funnel cakes and drinking beer. Or just showing their animals. Probably just showing their animals since they can't really drink while on a school sponsored trip. That went out in the 1990s.

Fat Lip

I got a fat lip this morning because last night Peggy and Evan's little chihuahua bit me. (On the lip, obviously.) He took a little chunk out. And it bled for a good moment. I'm fine. I don't really know what happened. I was holding the dog on my lap and next thing I knew...Maybe I got too close to his face? Maybe I pinched him? It happened pretty quick.

My official story is that Evan socked me in the face because I said I wasn't going to take his plates to BTSA this afternoon. That's a much better story.

Jealousy

Today I went to Costco. I do not usually go to Costco because it takes like 25 minutes to get there and I usually only want some lettuce. But today, I went. While waiting in line, I turned around to see two people making out! I'm an expert at making out, not from doing it so much but from seeing it. Apparently my classroom is make out central and I see kids kissing all the dang time out my window. But these people were not teenagers. The guy was at least 50 and she was no so 50, but they were making out. After staring, I turned around, then turned back again and they were still at it! Making out in line at Costco. My thoughts in order:

Numéro Un: Ewwwww
Numéro Deux: Double Ewwww
Numéro Trois: I want someone to make out at Costco with.

It reminded me of when I was in Strasbourg and people were always making out on the tram. I desperately wanted to make out on the tram with someone; if only just to fit in. In fact one time I got on the tram, me and the chemists and I thought, really, who else besides me could get on the tram being the only girl with six nice looking boys, not one of whom is going to make out with me. That tram ride sucked.

Grammar

I would like to take a moment to rant about the importance of proper grammar. Today I had a moment where not only was I fearful for the future of our country, I was just annoyed. I have to hire some new tutors for our after school program. So I sent an e-mail to the community college and community college students have been e-mailing me regarding the tutoring positions. (No, my applicant pool is not coming from Harvard or a UC, but still community college has standards.) What I get are e-mails from people who can't even capitalize "I" in an e-mail to inquire about a job! Or e-mails that say "can u tell me..." Let me just say that in case you are looking for a job as a tutor in subjects such as English, Spanish, etc. you should know that those words are capitalized! Some people are not getting an interview just based on that alone. I mean come on! We're not even talking about something as complicated as there, their and they're. What a waste of my time reading these stupid e-mails.

Also today I just feel like shit. My sciatica/arthritis hurt so much this morning I was shaking. I can't even sit today and be comfortable and normally I can at least do that. That could be a reason I was so easily annoyed with dumb people today.

Clearly the barrier I put up to keep them off the patio is not effective.

Where's Clark? (Hint-He is not wearing a stripped shirt like Waldo.)

Terror Threat

It is a well established fact that the biggest threat the Saratoga Animal Shelter faces is hot air balloons. When the balloons fly over, the Threat Alert at the Shelter goes into maximum overdrive and everyone barks incessantly. Today the threat came at 6:42 am while I was sleeping from the south and east facing fronts. Lucky for me, the Pack is vigilant regarding these types of threats to our safety and peace of mind; Sarah, whom I'm surprised can even see the balloons, Clark-even Randi and Earl all participate by being the four most annoying dogs ever. And I can say a lot of things about Randi and Earl, but one thing they are not are barkers. They make special allowance for balloons. They are currently all passed out after protecting the domicile from hot air threats.
Additionally, yesterday I purchased my ticket to go see Tim McGraw and Lady Antebellum!! I'm going to go with Gretchen and Buddy. Besides being named Buddy, my second favorite part about Buddy is that he's a fire fighter and I am always hopeful that Buddy will invite some of his hot fire fighter friends whenever I'm around. Several times I've been out and about and seen a group of hot fire fighters and thought, please let Buddy be with them, please let Buddy be with them, because then I would have reason to walk up and be like Hey, Buddy, how's it going? Who're these fine young men here? But unfortunately Buddy is never around when there is a group of hot fire fighters.

This Week

• EDub has started pulling out her feathers. The little back yard looks like there was a pillow fight. I think PDub is getting ready to lay some eggs because her belly looks bigger.
• Wednesday I heard this in the back of the classroom, "Just ask her, don't be embarrassed." Then the question, "Ms. Thompson, uh, you know that, uh, Plan B pill? That's good for like 72 hours right? I think it's 72 hours, not two days right?" What I said was I have no idea, but probably you wouldn't want to wait. What I wanted to say was, Well the last time I had to use Plan B, I rolled over and said, hey, what's your name again? Put some clothes on. We're going to Walgreens. One time, I had this question: Ms. Thompson, is it true boys can't get pregnant? I responded that yes I was a 100% sure boys could not get pregnant. (They were still doubtful.) Answering these types of questions is nearly as fun as when Dr. Lee was absent for Advisory in January and I had to give the STD talk. With no notes or anything because I didn't know he was going to be absent until the tardy bell rang. Good times. Good awkward times.
  
• This morning I used Randi as a pillow. She decided to take a walk up by my head and rolled over onto her back, so I put my head on her belly, cradled between her rib cage and leg. Despite, I think, making me lean toward the crazy lady with the dogs variety, it was remarkably comfortable. My ear was up against her ribs and it sounded like those wave machines. She only liked it for about two minutes.
  

Handyman

The Saratoga Animal Shelter has a new handyman and I love him. Love him in non handyman porn scene way. He rewired the swamp cooler on the roof, fixed all the lights that weren't working, installed the screen door, went to Lowe's and bought the faucet thingy I couldn't find because I said when I went and couldn't find it I just wanted to cry. (I did. And of course there was no one at Lowe's to help me find the faucet thingy.) Today he came over and put the other swamp cooler in the window. He did not have a spout of tourettes; he cleaned up after himself and he brought and took away all his own tools. Who even knew it was possible.

Pre and Post Prom

My pre-prom preparations yesterday inlcuding bike riding, bullshitting with my bike boyfriends, getting the rototiller and trip to the Apple Valley Wal-Mart*. Going to the Apple Valley Wal-Mart is a morale booster, like going to the Stater Bros by my house. Compared to the average patron I've got my shit together. I've got a job. I don't have to shop on the first or fifteenth of the month. My clothes (mostly) match. I don't have to leave my 40 outside; nor am I purchasing a 40 inside. Yesterday at Wal-Mart there was a guy collecting signatures. I never sign petitions and sure as heck am not going to sign a petition by a guy with a home made sign outside of Wal-Mart in Apple Valley. I want my signature getters to have real signs. So when he asked me if I was a registered voter, I said no. (I am, of course.) And then he asked me if I wanted to be and on the fly, using my rapier wit and intelligence I responded I can't because I'm not a citizen. He asked where I was from and I said, France. He looked surprised, You don't strike me as being French. I shrugged my shoulder, but had my rapier wit not been depleted I would have responded, why because I'm not wearing a stripped shirt and a beret? I am now going to always be French for these people because it also will be a small protest. How does he know I'm not?

Prom was fine. The bus ride was fine. I read my book. There was a brief moment where I suspected some sexual activity going on in the seat behind me. And I had to keep turning around. Then an even more awkward when the couple asked me for some kleenex. I was grossed out for several minutes, but I figured if they're freaky enough to be getting it on in the seat right behind the chaperone in plain sight of everyone else then there was nothing I could do to save these two young adults. We did not find an contraband alcohol. We busted up couples getting too freaky on the dance floor. We chaperones danced up a storm for a few songs. I like dancing, but always feel a bit awkward dancing at prom; the key is to just look as stupid as possible so the kids know you are being stupid and won't think you can't dance. I got a perfunctory lap dance from Ms. Angel- an overt attempt to get me to put out, but I was not going to be swayed by peer pressure. The ride home, well, my bus got to leave. But then they realized that they were missing two kids. Calls all around, do you have extra kids on your bus? No. Count them again. Lights on. I was afraid of what I might find going on in the back of the bus, but those kids were passed out. Turns out, after an hour of searching, worrying, controlled panic, the mom had already come and picked the kids up, but didn't tell anyone. So 100 kids were over an hour late getting back because mom didn't mention she picked up her kids, as if we wouldn't notice. As if this is fine. Inconsiderate bastards.

I'm currently waiting for Randi and Earl to make me breakfast for mother's day.

Randi looking out our new screen door!

*Going to Wal-Mart in Victorville can be taking your life in your hands. Whenever I go, I call my sister and say, "I'm going to Wal-Mart in Victorville, so if I don't call in an hour I've been shot up."

Oh Thank God

Again, take the time to read the comments attached to the article.

Tonight, AVHS presents Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Still not taking my pot smoking dog as my date, though he might enjoy the play.

Media Matters!

Most be some craziness going on in the news centers in Los Angeles, what with the worst oil spil ever, Nashville under water and some kids not getting some prom tickets. You can see what Fox News LA had to report here. It's all pretty awesome. What I learned today. The kid in the video saying how sad he is- has his ticket. One of the girls in the picture from the Daily Press "wasn't going to go anyways." I guess the news vans were parked outside the school until it got out and then followed the kids to Jack in the Box, where all the high caliber students hang out before they get into fights. Can't wait to see tonight's news.

Next week we're expecting our $5,000 grant package from Lowes' to arrive complete with a media package to promote the fact that we were awarded a $5,000 grant from Lowes'. I'll expect Channel 11 to come back to report on that.

Prom

This weekend I am going to prom. I like going to prom-you get to see all of the girls dressed up, you get to hunt for contraband alcohol and search kids, you get to make kids stop dancing freaky on the dance floor. It's fun. This year our prom is embroiled in scandal. You can read the article from the Daily Press here. If you're going to bother to read the article, take the time to read the comments because that's really the crème de la crème of the High Desert there. That is my dating pool. The article doesn't mention that for a 24 hour period this week I was not chaperoning prom because they were going to use that spot for a student and I, for a 24 hour period, was pretty excited about getting out of prom. But then Ms. Angel called and asked if I'd be her date because they needed more chaperones and I said, yes, but don't think that just because you waited until the last minute to ask me that I'm going to put out. Ms. Angel said that was unfortunate because that was why she asked me. Putting out at prom is so 90210.

I never have a date for prom and always have to check the "I will chaperone prom" box and not the "I will chaperone prom with my significant other" box on the prom chaperone form. I briefly considered taking my pot smoking dog Earl as my date, but he has done two things this week to make me not happy. First, he knocked me over on Monday and I fell onto the dead stump of a tree in the back yard. Earl, well, he's not so graceful and when he jumps he has this look on his face like "What the hell is going on here?" It happened in slow motion. He was up on the cement; I was on the dirt and he jumped up and landed on my chest causing me to fall over onto the stump. Luckily I did not break a nail. Then last night I made bread. I was damn excited about my bread. This morning I laid in bed thinking "Am I going to have a sandwich? Just bread? Bread for breakfast? Bread for lunch?" And so when I got up, I took the bread out of the bread maker and put it on the counter. Then I took a shower. When I got out Earl had taken the loaf of bread off of the counter and Sarah was gnawing on it in the living room. At first I didn't know what it was because I didn't have my glasses on and I thought she might be gnawing on a dead animal. But no, it was my loaf of bread. I wanted to cry. I considered cutting off the parts that hadn't been knibbled, but Earl did a good job of slobbering over every part and I didn't want my bread so bad I was going to eat Earl's slobbered on seconds. So I threw it in the trash and yelled, "NOBODY GETS BREAD NOW!"

Recycling

Effective immediately the Saratoga Animal Shelter will no longer be separating its beer bottles (numerous), wine bottles (quite numerous), plastics and paper since such separating, plus the guilt of not separating and the procrastinating of taking said separated recyclables to the recycling center resulted in a MEASLY $1.39. Henceforth the Saratoga Animal Shelter will be a recycling sloth and throw everything into the blue recycle bin. In fact the Saratoga Animal Shelter will be relocating the blue recycle bin to the patio, so that all the Shelter has to do is open the back door and throw mixed recyclables into the blue recycling bin and will thus reduce the number of recycling bins on the patio from five to one.

Omlettes and Crack for Birds

My curiosity got the better of me and I cooked up a mini-omlette for an appetizer despite the fact that it did not fit in with my taco salad menu. I ended up scrambling the eggs in the pan. Observations: duck eggs have barely any egg white and the yellow is thick like a custard. They tasted a bit more 'farmy' than chicken eggs, but overall tasty. I just used some salt. Next time: quiche!

The last time I purchased duck food I did so at Wal-Mart because I did not want to have to go to two different places to feed the animal shelter. I do not know what is in the Wal-Mart poultry mix, but it is crack for birds because as soon as I put some out the finches swarm in and have a party flicking food around until it is all gone. And it will be all gone in a matter of hours. I had been filling up a large coffee can and putting that much food out, but since the finches don't have any self control I'm going to have to dole it out in smaller portions. They ate TWO tubs full of food since yesterday. Maybe they'll become so big they'll start eating mice. I got a new sprinkler head today and EDub and PDub stood in the grass under the sprinkler, their heads tilted for 10 minutes while they figured out what was going on. They they took a swim. They are awesome.

I don't know what the Pack did while I was in Palm Springs, but they have been very tired. Maybe they poisoned themselves on Stan's, the goo you put in your tubeless tires to seal them, because I found the bottle in the yard and Stan's all over the place. I guess the dogs won't leak if they get poked with a goat head.

Again with the Dead Things

100% of the times I have time back from Palm Springs there has been a dead animal in the yard. Today, it was a bird, dead, drowned in the duck pool. I followed proper dead animal protocol and screamed and then got the pool leaf skimmer and skimmed it out, all the while screaming.

Only one conclusion can be drawn: I do not need to be going to Palm Springs for any reason. Or if I do go, I should not return.

All other animals were fine and I had one egg to collect. Next to the golf ball.