One Week

I have been back to work now for one week and I can report that out of that week, school has kicked my ass every day.  I'm exhausted.  I'm so tired I can't sleep.  Yesterday I felt great.  At 3:00 I was like, "Wow, I'm kicking school's butt today.  I'm not even tired at all."  Then I had to stay for Back to School night, which in retrospect, maybe I should have tried to get out of because then I got my ass handed to me by Back to School night.  I cancelled my college class today because I was so tired I could barely walk to the car.  If I could have had someone drive me home and pick me up tomorrow I would have.  If I thought I could have gotten back up, I would have taken a nap in the closet in my room.  I'm going to assume that one day I will not be this tired, but it's not going to be this week.  Or next week because as of next week, I have three more classes to teach and 100 more students.  It's going to be some extra good times teaching six periods a day in a back brace.  I plan on crying a lot this year.

Today this kid came up to me and said urgently, "Mademoiselle, je peux poser une question en Anglais?" Et moi, j'ai répondu, "Oui."  I was expecting the usual, "I didn't understand my homework...Can I go to ____?  Is that poster really signed by Justin Bieber? " Not this kid.  This guy said in all seriousness, "Gandalf or Dumbledore?"  The silence that followed was me trying to figure out what the fuck he was talking about because I have only the vaguest comprehension of both those names.  I blinked three times, looked really tired and said, "I don't even think I could even attempt to chose."  Then he gave me a two minute argument on why Gandalf is clearly the right choice.  I said, "Well, I guess I could be persuaded by your eloquent argument.  Why don't you sit down and take out your cahier."  He was clearly disappointed in my unwillingness to participate in the nerdversation.

In other news baby Max is officially a Thompson, as he had to go Monday to the ER for three breathing treatments.  My dad said, "You're not officially a Thompson until you've been to the ER for a breathing treatment."  Poor little guy.  He's certainly the youngest Thompson to have an inhaler, aerochamber, nebulizer, mask and prescription for albuterol.  On the plus side, it's one more person with an inhaler.  I said to my dad, "How many refills does he have on that?"  Kaiser used to give 4-5 inhalers per prescription and it was much better than my lousy one per refill prescription.  I'm not saying I would steal the baby's inhaler; just that an extra inhaler around is never a bad idea.

Mon Week-end

This has been the most awesome weekend in quite a while; mostly because I've done several things that did not involve being on the couch in my house. Friday I made it through work. I'd be lying if I said I was anything but absolutely exhausted. I also made it to book club where I discovered that perhaps I don't have to worry about being kicked out of Married Ladies Book Club for improper behavior. Saturday I went with Gretchen to the lake outside of Barstow. (What? You didn't know there were lakes outside of Barstow either?) It was great fun because they put a chair on the edge of the lake and I got to sit with my feet in the water. I exclaimed, "Ooh it's summer!" I was a total loser and the first adult to put myself to bed because I was tired. But, I was also, the only adult in a backbrace.

Then. There was today.

10:30am I get home from Barstow.

11:30am Sarah comes over to accompany me to Stater Bros.

11:30am We leave the dogs in the house (to be nice.)

12:30pm We get home and Randi and Earl are outside. Yes, outside. They got the window open in my bedroom. I don't know how because I am well aware that they do not have opposable thumbs.

12:31pm I consider putting them up for adoption.

12:32pm I remember this did not work the first time.

2:00pm Max comes over for me to babysit him. He is very excited about it because he is looking forward to some alone with Auntie time.

2:10pm I discover a hole in the drywall in the living room. I suspect it was a result of some kind of Mischief involving the couch.

2:11pm I decide to put Randi and Earl up for adoption.

2:12pm I remember that didn't work the first time.

3:00pm Randi and Earl try jumping on the swamp cooler.

3:10pm I imagine shocking them with a shock collar and then kicking their ass. I also imagine a life with good dogs. Coincidentally, this life also involves the guy from Hawaii 5-0 shirtless, fixing the drywall in the living room and then doing my laundry.

3:15pm Max hears me scream, "I'm going to kick your ass if you don't knock it off." He laughs.

4:45pm I tell Max that I think I'm going to have to cry "uncle" because the getting up and down off of the couch with him has kicked my ass.

4:51pm I call my mom and cry "uncle."

5:00pm I remind Max that he has to look like he had the best time of his life while here.

5:30pm My dad shows up and Max looks like he's had the best time of his life for 30 seconds and then proceeds to get hysterical. (Probably because he didn't want to leave me.)

6:00pm I open the wine and make all of my lunches and diners for the week because I plan on being exhausted the rest of my life.

Back to Work

My first day back to work started out rough when I discovered that there was no longer handicapped parking in front of my room. I don't have my handicapped parking sticker yet because I haven't turned in my paperwork, but I was going to park there anyways and send a text to the principal to let him know not to have my car towed.

The lack of handicapped parking was made up for by the flowers that Janice had waiting for me on my desk.

I didn't do much, besides first day blah blah blah and tell the kids that they had to be careful with their backpacks so I didn't fall on my face or hurt myself. And get very very tired. No pain. If I didn't know better, I'd think I just rode my bike 100 miles instead go to work on a minimum day. When I finally got home I called my dad to see if Max could come over. Max was indeed available for visiting, and coincidentally so was my dad, so they came over. I put Max in his sleeper thing. He liked it ok, but preferred sleeping with me holding him, which is fine by me. My dad and I didn't strap him in because we don't think he can jump out yet. My mom says we have to strap him into the swing because he will jump out if we don't. So far, I've not see the baby try to jump out of the swing. I think my mother may be overestimating Max's ability to jump. I asked my dad today when he will start to play and he said, "You mean, when will he do something?" Besides being awesome, the little guy still doesn't do much.
And now, I'm going to go to bed before 7 because I am exhausted!

For the Little Ones

The Saratoga Animal Shelter Baby Paraphernalia Collection

(I had to select standins since Max wasn't here.)

This morning I went back to Baby Boot Camp for the Bathtime Training for which there are a lot of rules and regulations that must be followed to ensure that the baby gets clean without getting cold or soap in his eyes. There were too many rules for me to remember all of them, but I think I could probably give the baby a bath without them, though he might be like, "Uh, excuse me, you didn't use three towels. Grandma uses three towels" or "Pardon me, but you didn't tell me 'snug as a bug in a rug.' It's not a proper bath without saying 'snug as a bug in a rug.'" I don't know how anyone ever gave anyone a bath without having attended Baby Boot Camp for Bathtime Training.

La grève

Apparently, 99.97% of my patience was located in the L3 and L4 discs that were removed from my body, because without them I seem to have very little, if any patience. This blew up this morning, when, after several expletives and pounding the keyboard violently, I decided that I was going to go on a work strike because for a person who is not working, I've sure been doing a lot of work. Donc, moi, je fais grève and I refuse to work until I go back to work on Wednesday. I'm not looking at email and if work calls I'm not answering. Even my mother called with a question about sewing and I said, "I don't know what to tell you mom, I'll have to look when I get back to work." I should have started this strike a week ago.

Unfortunately for me, I couldn't even go for a walk to get rid of all of my anger because I was already tired from my morning excursion to get my nails done. I picked up my house-violently throwing out stuff and swearing and then went to Best Buy to look at chest freezers. They didn't have not even one chest freezer, so I bought the new Nook instead.

I had been considering the new Nook for a while because the buttons on my Nook were broken, plus it is true that I generally covet all new technology. Right now seemed like as good as a time as any because 1) Best Buy didn't have a chest freezer 2) I don't have any books checked out from the library and 3) I really was in a really bad mood. I generally don't participate in retail therapy. I love the my new Nook. So light! So little! So easy to turn the page: tap, tap, tap. I did not get the Nook color because if I wanted to read with a big glare I'd just use the iPad.

I'm going to make it a cute little case.

Mon amour:

Friends-0

It's so sad to watch Clark trying to play with Randi and Earl because those two have their own unique play which involves biting each other's feet and Clark just constantly looks like he's on the fringe while they look like, hey you're getting in the way here. I guess it doesn't hurt his feelings because he tries to play with them all the time.

Big week because I walked 12 miles this last week!! And today, my final walk of the week, I walked my fastest and longest. I can't wait until I can walk the whole 2 miles without the cane because it means I could maybe start walking out in the desert again and I love that. I don't expect to walk 12 miles this next week since I'm going back to work and I will be excited if I just make it through the day. If you do exercise you should sign up at dailymile.com so you can be my friend because every time I log in it says "You and 0 friends" and that just seems so pitiful.

Book Reviews

Without Mercy Lisa Jackson This is a murder mystery suspense book. Jules Faratino's little sister Shaylee has had some problems with the law and is sent to Blue Rock boarding school. Jules has some serious issues with the school and so she ends up getting hired as a teacher in order to investigate undercover. As it turns out, Jules first love Cooper Trent (or Trent Cooper, I kept getting confused) is also there undercover, having been hired by parents of a student who has gone missing. Clumsy crime solving ensues. This book was 500 pages and I liked it eh, ok. I finished it, but there were too many "coincidences" to make it seem believable. I never bought into Jules gut feeling that something was just "wrong" at the school. She seemed remarkably neurotic and flaky to have any gut feelings. Yes there is some evil at the school, but it all seemed too contrived to make complete sense. This book rates an "I finished it."

The Wave Susan Casey I haven't read much non-fiction this summer and this was a welcome distraction from crime novels. This is the true story of rogue or freak waves. The history, the myths, the reality, the science and the "big wave" surfers who ride them. If you're not sure what a rogue wave is just put Laird Hamilton into YouTube. These waves are so big you have to be towed out with a jet ski. What I learned from this book is that I never ever ever want to go on the ocean because you could be on a nice cruise and BAM a rogue wave could hit you and you would get eaten by a shark in the middle of freaking nowhere. If you like adventure and have an interest in science then you'll like this book. I had to skim over the paragraphs about the physics of the waves because it was way above my head.

The Uncoupling Meg Wolitzer Suddenly in a New Jersey town, women start not wanting to have sex with their partners. Havoc is wreaked all over the city as couples try to live their new sexless lives. This sexless spell coincides with the school's production of Lysistra, a Greek play about women who withhold sex in order to stop a war. I started out really interested in this book, but by page 90 I was bored. Once again, a book with a premise/gimick where the story takes second place. I want a book where the characters and plot are interesting. I guess if you have recently found yourself repulsed by your lover and can't figure out why you might be interested in reading this book, or maybe you might just want to see if anyone is producing Lysistra around you.

Sans Sara

The Pack and I spent our first day sans Sara who had to go back to work today. There are still people whom I can call to help me, but reality is, there is no one whom I could call at 1:30 and say "gin at 2:00?" and who would be here at 1:45 with limes. Clark was in such a despair that he put himself to bed at 6:30.

So the Pack and I spent the day doing the only things we could: Wearing ourselves out with a walk (2.25 miles .75 without the cane, which in hindsight was a tad too far because I'm exhausted), working and watching The Millionaire Matchmaker. Also my dad brought Max over. We looked up all of the milestones for months 2-4 in What to Expect in the First Year to see how Max was doing. We had to look up several months because although Max is almost four months old, his adjusted age is about two months, since he spent the last nine weeks of his gestation in an incubator and not in my sister's belly. The book says Max should be able to smile if smiled at, so I smiled and said, "Max smile!" And he did! In addition to being the Cutest Baby in the World, he is obviously the smartest as well. What Max likes the best at my house, besides me, is the quilt that's hanging up waiting to be quilted that's not for him. I think that he likes to stare at it because he can't figure out why anyone would make a quilt that is not for him. Every time he looks at it I say, "I know Max, it's not for you." He also forgot that he doesn't like his swing.

By far the best part of not working is being able to spend time with this guy.

Baby Friendly Home

With the addition of the new used swing with a reclining back, five speeds and five sounds, a tray for toys and a Winnie the Pooh mobile, I think I can say that my house is finally baby friendly.

Clearly Max is not impressed.

Adventures in Babysitting

Max, upon successful putting to bed on the part of the babysitter and wearing all kinds of clothes that are too big for him. For a Grandma who said he wasn't going to be one of those boys who wears saggy pants, she sure dressed him in the wrong shorts today.

Today Baby Giant Max (11 lbs!!) and I got to spend some quality time together. We were supposed to spend some quality time together alone at my house, but my house is lacking several things such as a place for the Baby Giant to sleep, so we had to spend quality time together alone at my mom's. (First thing on my plans tomorrow are to go and get a suitable place for the baby to sleep so that Max and I can spend quality time together more often.) Before I was approved to spend quality alone time I had to have mini-baby boot camp with enough instructions to write a baby instruction book. Then my mom left and Max passed out. He stayed passed out until a half hour later when my dad got home and I said, "He's sleeping." And my dad said, "Huh, sounds like he's screaming." At which the Baby Giant made me a freaking liar. (Probably he was just excited that my dad was home.)

I would say that Max and I had a great time. He was fussy and I held him. For three hours. It was great! Sure this might make it harder for him to sleep without someone holding him, but you know what, I've been reading What to Expect in the First Year and it said that babies that are held are less fussy than other babies. I put him in the swing and we talked again, about going to Disneyland.

In other important news, this morning I broke my walking record by .3 mph!!! I walked 1.8 miles at 2.2 mph. And I'm going back to work August 24 because the principal suggested maybe I might want to start on a minimum day and only work a half a week, given the ass-whooping I got from Stater Bros last week. Since the principal's such a reasonable guy I thought that sounded reasonable.

It gives me one more week to be the daytime babysitter.

Something Wicked ...

6:00am

Outside, having refused to come in during the middle of the night, Earl senses paranormal danger and sounds the alarm.

6:01am

In a vain attempt to not hear Earl's alarm, I shut the window. Because he has keener senses, he continues to bark.

6:05am

A spirit arrives and slips through the three inch crack in the open window in the sewing room and turns on iTunes. Music blares. Begrudgingly I get up and turn off random music and let Earl in.

7:20am

The iTunes ghost turns on music once again. This time his/her presence was not preceded by a warning from Earl. I quit iTunes and put the computer on mute just in case.

7:40am

Randi wakes up and decides she needs to lick every part of my body. I get out of bed to discover that even though iTunes is not even running, there is music playing on my computer.

Tailfeathers

This was the scene today when my duck finally came out of her duckhouse and I finally got the rest of her eggs. I'm not fluent in duck squeaks, but the body language suggests what I believe could be aggression. I didn't stick around for when she went back in the duckhouse and found her three precious unfertilized eggs gone.

Standoff

Via Reuters

The standoff at the Duckhouse at the Saratoga Animal Shelter continues unresolved. Unwilling to negotiate and unappeased by bribes of massive amounts of food, the Duck refuses to leave her Duckhouse. The standoff is entering its fourth day. She has made no demands and refuses to communicate with negotiators in any comprehensible manner. There is no evidence that she has left to eat, swim or do any other normal duck activities. Tired and wore out, negotiators have left the Duck to her own devices, but if she doesn't come out on her own volition by Monday authorities will contact the Duck Whisperer, Stephen, for further advice.

That in Which the Hapless Heroine Gets Put in Her Place by Stater Bros.

The grocery store went Jack Reacher on me today. Not only did it kick my ass- it followed up the ass kicking with a karate chop to the chest and a stomp on my head.

It all started out great: I went for my walk and I walked .25 miles without the cane and at my fastest pace. Then I took a shower and then I decided that I could go to the store by myself. Big Mistake. The grocery store was a necessity because the day before I had run out of Ken's Light Creamy Cesar Dressing*, which is cause for raising the terror alert to HIGH as far as I'm concerned. One should never be without three bottles of Ken's Light Creamy Cesar on hand: one in the refrigerator, a back-up and a back-up-back-up. So I went to Stater Bros. and about the time I reached for the onions, I thought, hmm perhaps I shouldn't be here by myself. By the time I got to the bread I was positive that I had made a mistake, and when I finally put the four bottles of Ken's Light Creamy Cesar in the cart, I was thinking of nothing but the end; having committed and gotten myself there, I finished up my shopping and got in line where I had to stand waiting for 15 minutes. There was only two checkstands open and it was too long. The checker turned out to be the mom of a friend of a friend of a friend and I found out all kinds of interesting facts about her as she gushed to the random mom in front of me with TWO carts full of food and some problem which cause the gushing checker to call the manager. In my pain filled daze, all I could think was wow, I'm glad someone else's mother shares inappropriate information with complete strangers. I had to instruct the checker and bagboy to not fill up bags too heavy because I am weak and then I had to ask for help out. The kid walked me to my car and said, "Are you still teaching French?" Turns out he was one of my students. I didn't recognize him because he was about two feet high when he was a Freshman. He put the stuff in the car and I drove home, took out only the most perishable of perishables and promptly put myself on the couch, treated myself to some Bridezillas and tried not to burst into tears because I was so wrecked. I couldn't even finish getting everything out of the truck. I left most of what I brought in on the counter. I almost cancelled my hair appointment, but kept it just because I thought if I feel so shitty, at least my hair will look nice.

When I got home with beautiful hair, I knew I had to take Randi's wrap off around her leg, but I didn't have the energy to wrestle her to get it off. Instead, I decided to make her do the work and I took off her cone and said, "Get to work. The doctor said you could be resourceful. Be freaking resourceful." Then I took a pain pill and waited for Sara to come over and finish putting away my groceries. If Sara hadn't arrived there would be Ken's Creamy Light Cesar still in the car.

For the record, it took Randi at least an hour to get the wrap off of her foot and it is a new rule that I am not allowed to go to the store by myself for at least another couple of weeks and I'm going to include WalMart on that last.

*Ken's Light Creamy Cesar Dressing can contact me for an endorsement deal because I'm not the only fan at the Saratoga Animal Shelter. Earl's also partial to the Ken's Light Creamy Cesar.

And the Nominees Are....

Mother of the Freakin' Year over here decided that 11 eggs into her 13 egg laying cycle that she wasn't going to get off her nest. I've been out now four times today and let's review for the slow people: it's not freaking easy for me to get the damn eggs right now.

Showtunes

The Saratoga Animal Shelter Award Winning International Show Choir performs daily at random intervals and whenever I go for a walk. Shows are of various length, usually ending when I yell at them to shut the hell up or I get to the end of the street.

Riddle: How to three dogs and one person sleep on a full sized bed?

I was surprised to see the Pack lined up like this this morning because this is not normally how we sleep. Normally Clark and Earl have to be separated by me because Clark growls when Earl comes near him. Also I was impressed how Clark managed to wiggle his way in between Randi and Earl. Randi Conehead is dutifully sleeping up at the bed where her body weight and indifference to being used as a pillow makes it comfortable for me to sleep on my side. As an aside, last night I started Lisa Jackson's Without Mercy, which I would not describe as a particularly frightful book, but which gave me such nightmares I didn't think I was going to be able to stay asleep because I was so afraid.

eBook Reviews

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One Night Stands Chelsea Handler This book is what it claims to be. Stories of crazy times that Chelsea Handler had. And it's funny and entertaining and I thought, how is it possible for this to happen all to one person?

The Defector Daniel Silva The Russians kidnap secret Israeli assassin Gabriel Allon's wife. He's understandably pissed. He shoots people in the head and crisscrosses Europe in search of clues. Fast paced and interesting. This could be my favorite Daniel Silver novel yet.

One Day David Nicholls I almost put this book down. First because I was like goddamnit, once again I have chosen a book of short stories because despite the fact that it follows Emmah and Dexter throughout the book, the fact that the chapters take place once a year on July 15 makes it feel like a collection of short stories with the same characters. Second, I was like oh heck no I don't want to read a book about friends who are in love who don't know it and spend years of their life wasting around. By far the best line in the book is when Emmah's boyfriend says, "Why would I want to go out with Harry and Sally?" I'm glad I stuck with this book because I actually enjoyed it. I thought it was going to be too gimmicky, but it ended up sucking me in. I may have cried a bit. And I'm looking forward to the movie.

Irresistible

To improve one's fuckabilty rating it appears that all one needs to do is wear a cone around one's head because I tell you, Randi's been getting a lot of action.

Productive

Today was the first teacher day back to school, but guess who wasn't there!!? Instead, I opted to recover by walking 1.82 miles at 1.9mph which is in the lightening fast category. I was walking so fast I thought I might take flight. Afterwards, I took a nap. Then I cleaned out my closet. While I was doing that, I noticed that Randi Unadopted had licked her claw raw and it was bleeding all over the place, so I called the vet. They said to bring her in so I had to get Sara to help me. What a fucking disaster. Clark started to run out of the yard. Randi dragged Sara out. Her phone dropped and the battery fell out. Earl cried like we were ripping his heart out. In all fairness I had warned Sara that getting Randi to the vet was going to be embarassing. The good news was that Randi had lost 3 lbs and we saw the same vet who had recommended that Randi lose a few pounds, so I pointed out her weight loss. She said, "Why, Randi, you almost have a waist line!" She also said that we had to put the Collar of Shame on Randi because she is 'resourceful' and would most likely take off her dressing on her foot without it. I had been ready to lay on the couch for 15 minutes so I said, "Do it." Et Voilà: Randi Unadopted left the vet with her foot wrapped up and the Collar of Shame around her neck. Then we returned to the domestic domicile to find Earl painfully relieved that his sister had returned and we drank sangria.

Sara wipes Bechamel sauce off of Randi's cone, after Randi refuses to let it keep her from pre-washing the dishes.

Clark and his One True Love, Sara, holding hands.

Earl

Randi Unadopted with her Collar of Shame and wounded foot.

Welcome Back Monster Truck!

My dad came and picked me up today, in my truck and I drove me and my dad in my truck to his house and then he let me drive home alone in my truck. Pretty Big Time, though I am not planning on making any big road trips or shopping excursions. For example, I'm still going to need someone to go and get dog food for me.

Super Sad True Love Story eBook Review

I have decided that I am old based on the fact that when I am taking my walk with a cane, I prefer to listen to the New York Times Book Review Podcast than music. What always surprises is me about the podcast is that people have such intelligent and interesting and insightful comments about the books they read. I thought that in addition to being old, I might just be dumb and inarticulate because I never feel like I have a lot to postulate about the books I read other than euh, I liked it or great read! That is until I read Super Sad True Love Story by Gary Shteyngart.

I'm going to start by saying that the thesis of this book is stated quite clearly on the last page and that I bookmarked it on my nook so that I could put it in this review, but I lollygagged so long writing it that the book expired and I no longer have access to the thesis. I for one, was glad for the simply stated thesis because I had begun to think that I was too dumb for this book. It takes place in a post-modern world where the USA doesn't really exist. The financial world is collapsed and dollars have to be yuan pegged or they are valueless. The ruling party is the "Bipartisans" who aren't really bipartisans and everyone has an äppärät that streams all of their information including credit ratings and fuckability ratings. Instead of talking people 'verbal' each other. Everyone communicates through GlobalTeens (which I never figured out if it was just for teens or not.) Women walk around in 'onionskin' jeans that show everything and I mean everything. They shop at ridiculous named stores like AssJourney . They are nothing more than their fuckability rating and transparent outwear. There are HNWI and LNWI (high and low net worth individuals.) What's left of the USA is in a collapse and towards the end of the novel there's a revolution and the loosely termed "country" is left in an even more dire strait. Enter Lenny Abramov, a forty year old, messy, incoherent, wants to do good Russian Jew, quasi- loser with a very low fuckability rating who works for the Post-Humantity Services where you can go through dechronification processes to live forever. On a trip to Italy he meets and falls in love with Eunice Park a young, Korean American who is not so much in love with Lenny, but who returns to New York City to live with him because she doesn't really have any other place to live.

Yeah, you could think the Super Sad True Love Story is that of Lenny and Eunice, but here's a hint, it's not. This book's really a gimick book. The gimick is reading about this future where there are fuckability ratings, dechronification processes and Lenny is degraded for owning (gasp!) books. And after I got over the shock factor, I didn't care. It was Lenny and Eunice whining and not liking each other and reading stupid letters from Eunice to her friends. If there wasn't so much sex and bad language this book could replace 1984 as required reading in high schools. Oooh I'm scared. Oooh a warning. This book could easily make a 10 page essay for English class. It took me three books to read it because I kept putting it down thinking, geez I'm dumb because I just feel that I'm not smart enough to get the whole point of this book, plus I'm not interested; which is why I'm so very thankful that the author wrote his thesis statement on the last page of the book.

What's In a Name Challenge 4

This morning I signed up for the What's In a Name Challenge 4 Challenge, because why the fuck not. It's a 'challenge' to read books from specific categories based on titles. (See gadget at right.) Given my haphazard and illogical reasons for choosing books it seemed like as good as a reason as any to pick a book.

My Ragamuffin Motley Crue

Clark's hurt his foot and is limping around on three legs when it's convenient for sympathy.

I walked into the bedroom this morning to find Earl having a seizure like Randi- his head shaking from side to side. His didn't last very long.

The Duck didn't even bother to hide her egg this morning.

Everyone is very busy licking their feet.

I'm making sangria for my BBQ this afternoon.

Meltdowns

Yesterday, two members of the Saratoga Animal Shelter have suffered what can only be described as mental meldowns.

1. The Duck- I couldn't get her egg out from the duckhouse yesterday because I was too tired, so I had my dad look for it when he got here. He didn't find it either, which then required that we go on an egg hunt in the Little Backyard to see if she happened to lay it in another one of her nests. We did not find an egg. What we found was Randi's tennis ball neatly placed in her nest. I'd have a picture but when I said, "Dad, I'm going to take a picture, don't move the tennis ball," and went in to get the camera, he heard, "Dad, get the tennis ball." The duck clearly has some issues if she believes she can hatch a tennis ball.

2. Puppy Clark-Last night we all got into bed rather quickly and calmly. I was flanked by Randi and Clark and Earl was pleasantly posed at the foot of the bed. All of the sudden Clark jumped off of the bed and faced the wall with his tail in between his legs. He wouldn't move. He wouldn't look at me. He wouldn't sit. He wouldn't turn around and he wouldn't jump on the bed. Normally this type of behavior is preceded by some sort of altercation with Earl's alter ego Mob Boss Earl, but I had heard nary a peep out of either of them. In case Earl had been sending Mob Boss psychic energy or looks, I tried blocking him from Clark's view by propping up a pillow. That didn't work. I advised his girlfriend via text that her boyfriend had gone insane and per her instruction I told him that she loved him and would be home soon (but not that she was at a party in a penthouse at Cesar's Palace, which surely would have put him over the edge.) When that didn't phase him, I decided to perform canine resuscitation: I went to the kitchen and took out the cold cuts. Clark pulled himself out of it long enough to eat some turkey, but as soon as we walked back into the room he went right back to staring at the wall next to the bed. I figured he wasn't too far gone if he was still willing to eat cold cuts, so I turned off the light and went to sleep. About 3:30, he snapped out of it and jumped on the bed.

This morning I found two eggs in the duckhouse which I had to throw away because I don't know which was laid this morning and Clark is acting perfectly normal.

Humiliation Ends in Injury

Last night Gretchen and Kim were over and I had locked the Pack outside. Randi Unadopted took it upon herself to try to get inside via climbing on top of the swamp cooler in the window which is at least four feet off the of the ground. She scaled it several times and I had to get up and yell at her and finally I let them in because I didn't know how to keep from her from doing it again. Gretchen said, "You know you're rewarding her bad behavior." And I replied, "I know, but I'm wearing a back brace!" (Actually Gretchen offered to discipline the dog for me because I am in a back brace.) When I let them in, they were remarkably all well behaved and didn't bother anyone and Randi had even put herself to bed at 8:30pm, which is not normal.

Well, that's because today I discovered that Randi Unadopted ripped off her toenail climbing on the swamp cooler. It's the one that hangs off the side of her paw- whatever it's called. She ripped the entire outer covering and part of the nail. No wonder she was so docile last night and this morning. I called the vet because when Clark did that it cost me $150, which was shortly after Sarah had to have a mass removed from her ass for $300 and so I was trying to figure out how I was going to get Randi to the vet and who was going to take her. Lucky for me, the lady at the vet said all I need to do is "soak it in benadine for 30 minutes every day." No problem. Now I just need to take Randi to the vet to get the tranquilizers to get her to sit still for 30 minutes a day while she gets a pedicure.

Puppy Clark when he ripped out his toenail.

(He was so doped up from the medicine that he couldn't remember how to lay down and I had to move his feet for him.)

Q and A

In case you don't get the Daily Press delivered to your house, there was a very nice article about the Big Guy in Saturday's paper. I finally saw it today. I don't know why the Big Guy listed To Kill a Mockingbird instead of a Jack Reacher novel as a book that inspired him.

Here's my own Q and A (not published in the Daily Press.)

What did the doctor say about your back?

He said that it was looking good, but that the L3/L4 fusion isn't straight. He said he didn't think I did it because the screws weren't out of place. He said it may or may not cause me problems. Probably my scoliosis that never showed up until I was 34 will cause me more problems. He said I'm doing very well and to keep walking.

When are you going back to work?

Well, that depends on my schedule, but not before Aug. 16th, but as late as September. I have to be able to be upright for six hours because you can not teach French laying on a couch, even if you do have an Interwrite Mobi pad.

Do you have restless leg syndrome?

The doctor said one in a hundred patients report some leg restlessness after surgery. I am the 1% and he said he doesn't understand that, but to take muscle relaxers to see if it helps.

When are you going to start driving again?

As soon as my dad gives me back the keys to my truck or I find where my spare keys are and where my mother has hidden the key to the lock to the gate where my dad has put my truck. And if I can't get in it, then I'll switch cars with Sara because I think people are getting sick of carting me around.

When will Sara change her Facebook status to reflect Clark's relationship with her?

Probably not in the near future.

How will you get the eggs out of the duckhouse given your immobility?

Great question. I don't think my pinchers will work, so I think I will have to use various objects to scoot the egg forward until I can reach it. It will require skill and dexterity.

On a scale of 1-10, ten being the most awesome display of Walmart-ness how would you rate today's trip to Walmart?

Easily a 9.6. There was everything. Bald ladies. Shaved half bald employees. Employees with no teeth. People who were walking as slow as me or slower on purpose. People trying to get me to register for stuff. Kids trying to get me to support their causes and everyone with an EBT card. It was an Experience.

Have you ever played in a dumpster?

No, but I made Sara turn the car around when I saw five kids playing in the dumpster on Kiowa. At second look, the mom was with the kids who were playing in the dumpster. This was in the part of quartier that would be considered ghetto and not ghetto adjacent.

Besides vampires do you think there are other creatures that require an invitation before entering a house?

Yes, Douchebags otherwise they are forced backwards by Nature into the dark of the Louisana Bayou, just like in True Blood.

What if you don't live in Louisiana?

Doesn't matter. Nature still forces them there.