Several interesting things have happened over here lately. For starters Randi and the chickens are in the running for the most mischief this week award. On Saturday Randi and I were enjoying a break on the bed when we heard frantic chicken crying and so we jumped up to investigate. What I found was one of the chickens had gotten her head stuck in the cage and couldn't get out. When I opened the door it scared her enough to motivate her to get out. Since then I've been paranoid that they were all going to get themselves stuck and die. It's not happened. They have made the permanent move to the patio because they are too stinky to stay in the house.
Today Randi decided to use her personal doggie door (my bedroom window) to get back into the house while the cleaning ladies were here. They called because they didn't know what to do. I said, try the bones, she's on a diet so she'll want to eat. That seemed to work and she exited the building without much ado.
Earl has recently decided that the little dog bed is his.
This was with an app that I downloaded for this guy I found on YouTube who is dang funny.
My olfactory senses have announced that the chickens are hitherto-forth too stinky to continue in the house full time and will start their outside training tomorrow. They are currently chilling outside on the grass so I could clean out their cage and air out the spare room which is starting to smell like a chicken farm. Gross. Tomorrow they are going to chill on the patio during the day in their cage so they can get acclimated to being outside so that in two more weeks they can live permanently in their coop and then they can stink it up as much as they want.
In other news, last week I remarked to Sara that Clark was hurting my feelings nightly because he no longer was sleeping with me and had even gone so far to come in, look up at the bed, see me, and then turn around and go back outside. It's been rough because for 13 years this guys has slept right next to me. If I rolled over he moved so he was still stuck to my side. If I moved 1/4 of an inch he scooted over and so I've taken this not sleeping with me business rather personally. The only other dog left in the bed is Randi and she sleeps at the foot of the bed unless she's trying to win points and then she sleeps right up against my back like a bolster pillow. I'd prefer she always slept up against my back like a bolster pillow because that feels good. In any case, after my conversation with Sara, Clark has been trying to make up because every night since then he has made an effort to come sleep with me for at least a couple of hours. He still won't give me kisses, but I guess I can't expect everything.
I'm a chicken farmer!! With my chicken coop nearly done (only waiting on "hardware" for the doors), today I went to the feed store on a chicken fact finding mission and came home with four baby chickens (chicks) and all of their accoutrements. There were only four left and the lady said that if I waited these guys would probably be gone and I'd have to get younger chicks and they require a light and I thought fuck if I want to complicate chicken farming. They are two weeks old and currently chilling in the spare room where they are going to continue to chill unless they never go to sleep and keep chirping and keep me up and then in that case they are probably going to have to chill somewhere else, but I'm not sure where. It's too cold for them to be outside right now. In two weeks I can put them out during the day and bring them in at night and then two weeks after that they can live in their coop and in 5-6 months I should have eggs! They don't have names yet.
Yesterday Jessica and I went to the Long Beach Quilt Show to see her mom's quilt which was part of the traveling Hoffman Challenge quilts. We also saw a quilt about two dogs who get into mischief.
Randi and Earl?
Wednesday Max and I were quite disappointed to show up for gymnastics only to find out that gymnastics had been cancelled. We decided to go to the airport, but I was stressed out the whole time because we had neither a hat, nor sunscreen. We only stayed about five minutes before I was convinced that he was going to burst into flames or turn into a crab. I told him all of the planes were gone and we quickly returned to the shade. I was convinced I was going to be in trouble for the rest of my life because he was red, but no one noticed anything so I dodged a bullet on that one.
Not sure if he's red or not.
One day this week when I went to go to bed Randi Unadopted only wanted to lay next to me with her head on my shoulder. She is mighty silly sometimes.
On Friday Sara came over and helped me take Randi, Earl and Clark to get their shots. We went in Sara's truck. Sara doesn't have dogs, so she was a bit surprised to learn that they just don't sit nicely in a cage and prefer to leave their nose prints all over the windows. We waited patiently in the office and Randi and Earl spent some quality time evaluating the cage that held some kittens. When we went in the room and they took Earl out, I put Randi on the scale in the room. Oh dear. It just kept going up and up and up and up. I didn't think it was ever going to stop. Sara and I were aghast. Randi weighed in at only six pounds less than the St. Bernard puppy. The vet tech said that she had gained eight pounds. Earl had gained 5 pounds and Clark was about the same. (Yay Clark!!) Everybody is once again on a restricted diet because one should not weigh the same as a St. Bernard puppy unless one is a St. Bernard puppy.
Friday morning I went over to spend some quality time with Max who was having a needy morning and wanted to be held. When I picked him up he wrapped both of his arms around me and then patted my back like he was consoling me. I said, "Max, you are going to make me cry." After that we went on a walk where he wanted to sleep with cracker in his mouth and there was a minor disagreement in the middle of nowhere about me taking the cracker out. Then we saw a tractor. Then we had to stay in the middle of the road watching the tractor while the tractor driver was staring at us like wtf? The only thing that would have been more exciting than the tractor scooping up dirt would have been if a helicopter had landed on the street or a train came around the corner. I think we may have also seen a coyote.
Sunday when were about to start our walk I noticed two cabinet doors that someone had dumped right at the trail head. I promptly put them in the car and brought them home to make a headboard. I painted them and then cut 2x4s to attach to the frame and Jeff the Handyman attached them to bed. I also spray painted this old ugly chest that I put by the foot of the bed for Clark to use as a step. I'd tried to make it prettier before. I had tried regular pain. I had tried découpage. Only recently had it occurred to me to use spray paint and so when I was at Home Depot getting wood filler I picked up a can. It looks like it belongs in a science fiction movie, but it's good enough for me. The best part about the headboard is that it should keep Randi from jumping through the window.
Notice Randi sitting very pretty on top of Sara's case of water and school work.
Doors. I didn't end up keeping the hardware.
Ugly chest
Bedroom Update!
Somebody taught him to stick his tongue out when you say cheese.
On Monday I left the heat of the desert and my entrusted my Pack of Dogs to Sara in order to meet my mom and dad in San Diego. They were visiting Sea World and the Zoo with Max all week. It was quite the adventure because first, the BOB stroller got a flat at Sea World and if there is one thing that my mother does not deal well with is a change in her plans. So she called me and I had to stop on the way down to get a bike pump to avoid a complete catastrophe. When I got there they were still at Sea World. Once they were back we pumped up the tires, but it was pretty clear that we were going to need new tubes. Luckily Chula Vista is no Apple Valley and there was both a Sports Authority and REI in the town. Monday night we went out to dinner and walked around Old Town and my mom told me and dad exactly what to do about everything. When we got back to the motor home I finally just told her, I'm not talking to you any more. She is very bossy.
Tuesday morning me, my dad and Max went on an expedition to get new tubes. My dad was of the opinion that Sports Authority would have the tubes (he did not call ahead) and since it opened at 9am we went there first. Alas, they did not have the tubes so we had to go to REI and wait for it to open at 10am. On the way there were heard an endless variation of "choo-choo" and "train coming, Grandpa. Granmpa, train." I swear that guy only has one thought circle through his head at a time. In fact when we woke up that morning his first words were, "Aunt Beth, choo-choo."
After we got the tubes fixed we all took a nap and then we headed out to the zoo where we saw hippos, monkeys, lions, crocodiles (and crocodiles), polar bears and elephants, "Horton Grandpa! Horton, right there!" We also saw a helicopter and one of us went in the helicopter and when it was time for that person to get out of the helicopter there was major distress. We solved in the way we Thompsons do and gave that person a cracker. Problem solved.
Today Jeff the Handyman came over and pronounced me a Master Plumber. He's going to build my chicken coop this week.
At dinner
He wanted to dance then got shy.
Evading Grandpa and exit of the covered wagon.
I bought him a sombrero to celebrate his Mexican heritage.
The Big Guy and the Little Guy
Shortly before the worst moment in his life when he was forced to leave the controls.
Randi wouldn't move when I decided to make the bed, so I just made it with her in it.
Today I was forced to do some actual home improvement. On Thursday the hose that connects the water to the garden irrigation system burst and was squirting water out underneath the patio and soaking everything but the plants. I used my best 911 fix and put packing tape around the hole. (Because I didn't have any duct tape.) But packing tape turned out to be a poor patch and water was still squirting out all over the place. Jeff the Handyman is MIA and so I was forced to deal with it by myself since my dad and mom and Max left for San Diego this morning. I asked Bill what to do, then I went to Home Depot and stood in the PVC section. I have never had actual useful help at the Home Depot, so I was not surprised when no actual help came to my aide. Then I came home and realized that what I had purchased wasn't going to work, so after I watched the presentation of awards for the 100e Tour de France which was absolutely fucking amazing (the spectacle à l'Arc de Triomphe) I returned to Home Depot where I stood some more in the PVC section unhelped, until frustrated I called Bill who helped me and with a very good plan devised I came home to realize that my very good plan was not going to work because of the way the pipe was in the ground. Still not willing to give into tears, I improvised with what I had and now, with PVC primer and cement coating my hands, I'm waiting for it to cure so I can turn on the water and see if it's worked. And if it hasn't I am just going to burst into tears.
Friday Sara and I went to the Greek Theatre to see Brantley Gilbert. I love Brantley Gilbert, but sometimes I think my politics may be at odds with country music. In any case, the concert was fantastic. We got an email before the concert with "what you should know." It didn't include that it was a BYO Hula Hoop kind of concert.
Early on Sara had spots on her and since I just finished reading Year of Wonders, I diagnosed her with the plague. She's not succumbed yet to puss sores in her armpits so maybe it was some other kind of disease.
Our date, Mario
It's a long story.
Woooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!
In other news, I continue to be asphyxiated by noxious dog farts. I'm going to need to purchase the gas mask attachement for my NBC attack grade Camel-bak in order to continue to live at my house. It's bad.
So far during vacation I have not been very productive. I've mostly been watching a lot of TV, reading a lot of books and spending a lot of time not doing anything. On Tuesday, after realizing that I hadn't really left the house in days except for my walk I asked Sara to go golfing and that was great fun. I like golfing best when you don't keep score because keeping score ruins everything. We invited my dad, but he "had things to do." He always "has things to do." I told him I didn't get it because I try not to "have things to do." In fact, most of my vacation has been spent avoiding "things to do." On Monday when I invited him to go to the movies he told me he couldn't because he "had things to do." Then called back and said he could go, then had to cancel to take the Snickerdoodle to the vet for what turned out to be an ant bite. (Swear to God.)
On Tuesday I walked into the kitchen to find Sara cornered by some dogs hungry for some chicken. Even Clark who is on a new diet of a breakfast of eggs and hot dogs, lunch of ground beef and regular dinner in an effort to plump him up. So far he's been eating pretty good. This morning not so good, but he was also had a couple of accidents in the house last night. And I got up and let him out twice. He's just old.
Yesterday after gymnastics I said, fuckit me and Max Hobbit are going to get some ice cream because I'm the goddamned aunt and my job is get him all hyped up on sugar and take him home. It was great fun. After we went briefly to my mom and dad's until we had to go pick up Jessica from school. Say the word "school" to Max and he immediately starts screaming "Cow- moo! Pig! Oink Oink. Chicken. School!" Isn't he going to be disappointed on the first day of kindergarden? We made the trip to school which was incredibly disappointing with all the cows having become beef and the pigs pork and the chickens chicken after the fair in May. We also went over some train tracks which were just as disappointing because there were no trains. Then we watched the Tour de France. Because it is awesome.
This morning I was woke up first by the pitter patter of rain on the room and then a brief jolt of panic trying to remember if I had anything outside that would get ruined. After briefly reassuring myself that I had nothing of value that had been left out, I went back to sleep only to be woke up ten minutes later by a crying dog. No other dog in the neighborhood was barking so I wasn't sure why it was that Earl was crying until I got up to make my coffee and saw him cowering in the bathroom afraid to leave and traverse the hallway. Then I realized, he's scared of the hallway- again. This latest bout of hallwayphobia lasted about 15 minutes and ended when Earl turned around and just walked down the hallway like it had never threatened his life in the first place.
1. Shila learned how to open the door with her nose, allowing her to exit the house at will to bark at nothing. It's been fabulous.
2. Max loves the Tour de France!! I know it's an exciting race. You know it's an exciting race and now so does Max. It's got bicycles and people and sometimes choo-choos. We were watching and he said, "Oh no! Fall down" because there was a big crash. Best day ever.
First, I set up the smoker I got from my dad and on Tuesday I set about smoking a brisket. Tuesday was by far the most epic day of the week because I got up at 4:30am, put the brisket on at 5:00am, dicked around on the computer, went to Home Depot at 6:55am, purchased new patio furniture, and returned home to prepare for my bike ride. Yes, you read it correctly, a bike ride. I had arranged to catch Bill and Friends on the last part of their ride to Tom's Restaurant. Bill was going to call around 9:00am, but I didn't want to have to rush getting my stuff together, so I had everything ready at 7:30am. Helmet- check. Water botel- check. Shorts with chamois- not so much check. It should have been about 8 miles which would have been the longest ride since my surgery. My dad was going to pick me up and take me to Home Depot to pick up my new patio furniture since it wouldn't fit in my car. However, when I arrived at Tom's and called the Big Guy, I discovered that he had not been at the eye doctor like he had said, but at the urgent care where he found out he has a hairline fracture on one of his left ribs as a result of dumpster diving in his own trash can. Because of this injury, the Big Guy was unable to come get me and rather than ride to Sara's house down the street I decided that I could just ride my bike home. I did. I made it, but I think most runners run faster than I was pedaling at the end and holy mother did my butt hurt. My back didn't hurt at all, but my ass. Yikes. There's a reason you're supposed to work up to a two hour bike ride. The brisket was freaking fantastic. I served it with yellow squash casserole. Everything at the Saratoga Animal Shelter is being served with a side of yellow squash because I have a lot of yellow squash. In about a week everything is going to be served with a side of yellow squash and eggplant because in a week I'll be having a lot of that as well.
This week was also epic because Max scared a little girl at gymnastics. He didn't do it on purpose, but they both went in this tent they're supposed to crawl through and he went in one side and she went in the other and while he thought this had been great fun, she did not so we had to learn how to say, "I'm sorry for scaring you" which he says about as well as "thank you." I also spent some quality time watching "Ah les crocodiles" with Max because I think it's important that he be able to say crocodile in French. On the second day of watching it, he told me, "Crocodile walking." I was mostly concerned whether or not there were actual crocodiles in the Nile river and why an éléphant would be the mortal enemy of a crocodile or why they don't talk about the crocodiles any more after they go off to war. Seems rather harsh. We had to watch les crocodiles on Youtube after we discovered that TV5.org was no longer offering "Les bêtes" as a catégorie on the videos on their mobile app and which used to feature prominently a crocodile in the opening sequence. A discovery that was disappointing to all concerned parties.
Max also learned the sound that a snake makes. What was actually funnier was his reaction when he saw the spider in the book, but I didn't have my camera nearby for that.
I anticipate that next week Max and I will have an epic battle around 5:00pm about whether or not we should watch some stupid Thomas the Train episode or the Tour de France. I fully expect there to be tears and whining and then for my parents to side with him. I am prepared, though, to fight this worthy fight because it is the freaking Tour de France which is EPIC and AWESOME and not some stupid movie about really useful trains which is flipping boring.
Shila and I have settled into a nightly routine. It goes like this: I feed her and Clark outside and then she starts to bark at nothing. I go out and get her and bring her in. Then we have a variation on this conversation:
Me: No. You're not going outside. You just bark at nothing.
Shila:
Me: No. You. Are. Not. Going. Outside. If you want to go then figure out how to open the door with your nose.
Shila:
Me: Seriously, go lay down. You'll just bark at nothing and I can't stand it.
Then we repeat from the beginning, sometimes with Shila doing the Shuffle Dance of Impatience until I get up to get ready for bed and let her outside to use the facilities and she barks at nothing and I have to go get her.
