Clean Socks

After throwing Randi out this morning for trying to get me out of bed by walking on my head and then walking on my body and the poking at my body with her freezing wet nose, and after Randi let herself back in because the front door doesn't shut properly because it got swollen in the rain and she tried to get me out of bed again via the same annoying tactics, I rolled over Earl and gingerly touched my feet to the floor. My feet hurt something terrible. No more body aches, but my feet. Yikes. Feels like they are on fire and being poked with pins. Thursday I slept an hour. Yesterday I took a moment and cried at my desk. (No kids were around.) I don't know why but my feet have been sweating buckets. Just my feet and ankles, so that I wake up and my socks are drenched and the sheets are damp, which means I have to change my socks quite often or go sockless and I can't sleep very well sockless if my feet are cold. The first thing on my agenda this morning was to wash some socks because I am out of clean socks. I also can't find my slippers and Earl is being inordinately silent on the matter. I would not be surprised if I walked out into the backyard and found two pairs of slippers half chewed, doused in dirt and sitting amongst the tiny weeds.

Yesterday I had a blood test which will hopefully determine if I have too much uric acid and really do have gout which, in case you didn't know, is generally an fat old man disease. I am now a teetotaler vegetarian who doesn't eat beans, avocados, spinach or asparagus because they are high in purines and I do not particularly like being a fat old man.

If you haven't met Jake and Amir at College Humor...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.